Depressed DAY

Oh, I know its a holiday tomorrow and that should put me in a good mood, but I am depressed.

There was some events yesterday that really made me sad sampai nangis and takleh tido so that did not help. Although rasa mcm dah clear the air, tapi still rasa macam sedih. Sigh

I was in a full day trial today and the trial has been going on since last year, and so the Judge was asking this one counsel "how many issues do you have to cover?". And the counsel says "I go by topics Mr Lord" and so the Judge asks "What topic are you at now?". He answers, "I am at topic 7 my Lord". And so the Judge asks "How many topics do you have?" And he says "I have 42 topics my Lord". Jeng jeng jeng....Depressingnye, from the looks of it, we will only finish by Christmas...and when I mean Christmas, it might not even be this Christmas, 5 years time maybe? Aduyai...

And then when we reconvened after lunch, takde chambie plak bleh amik notes of evidence, bila try tanya diorang ckp "Sorry, I am busy"... Sigh, how can you be more busy than I am, may I ask? Lalu rasa depressed sebab dulu when I was chambering, I would never dare say such a thing if someone asks me to do a piece of work. Depressed sebab masa dan generasi telah berubah. Depressed because I realised I am getting old.

And then rasa depressed sebab tgh hari masa lunch Aries call and he was already at home playing with my Airiel, while I am slaving away...rasa jeles kan so terus rasa depressed.

And then rasa depressed sebab nampak org perempuan cantik yang sangat tinggi kat court pastu pakai high heels lalu sebelah, Oh perluke tayang ketinggian dirimu kepadaku? Perluke pakai high heels lagi pulak tu? Tak pasal-pasal terasa dekat orang yang telah diberi kurniaan Tuhan itu. Macamlah dia lahir-lahir mintak tinggi macamtu betul tak? Kenapa perlu cemburu tak tentu pasal? Lalu rasa depressed lagi sebab perempuan cantik tinggi tu lalu sebelah, bertambah depressed sebab rasa bersalah cemburu dekat dia.

And then bila sampai opis, depressed pulak bila nak balik sebab tengok jalan jem merata-rata. Bila nak sampai rumah tgk suami tercinta dan anak tersayang ni? Depressed lagi sebab banyak masa terbazir dekat atas jalan raya instead of spending time with the loved ones

Rasa depressed sebab nenda dapat pergi conference ke Penang sampai Isnin, bestla dia dapat kerja sambil melancong kan? Dapat makan nasi kandar, dapat peluk peluk dengan atuk, dapat jalan tepi pantai, dengar bunyi ombak. Depressed sebab masa tak mengizinkan

Rasa depressed sebab rindu dekat Huda, tapi malu dan malas nak kacau Huda sebab dia preggy and penat. Malulah nak ajak dia jalan jalan shopping sebab tahu dia penat jalan sebab perut semakin besar, nak ajak mani pedi rasa macam dia mesti tak mahu sebab Huda ni lain skit. Rasa depressed sebab tak dapat spend masa kualiti dengan kawan yang sangat disayangi.

Rasa depressed fikirkan krisis rumahtangga yang melanda diri suatu masa dahulu. I know moving on is the way to go, and diri ini masih dalam proses untuk melakukannya. Terima kasih Aries kerana sabar dengan isterimu ini, but healing is a time consuming process.

Ish, kenapa hati manusia susah melafazkan syukur? Should I not be thankful kerana walau ada kerja yang susah, tapi dibayar gaji setimpal usaha, bonus yang lumayan dan mempunyai bos yang baik?

Why am I not thankful that the misunderstanding yesterday has hopefully been cleared up and that is the end of the matter? Why lament on the what ifs?

Why am I not thankful for the trial that will go on a lot longer than anticipated when I can learn so much from it?

Why am I not thankful that despite not having chambies to help me, I have a wonderful secretary and colleague who is reliable and dependable?

Kenapa tidak pula bersyukur dengan Tuhan sebab walau tersekat dalam jem, masih ada kereta instead of perlu bersesak-sesak naik bas, MRT, LRT macam org lain? Masih dapat dengar lagu Maher Zain sepanjang jalan right?

Kenapa tidak bersyukur that at least one parent get to spend more time with Airiel as opposed to both of us being absent and busy with work all the time?

Why am I not thankful that although I am not tall, or strikingly pretty, diri ini sempurna anggota dan akal fikiran?

Kenapa tidak bersyukur yang Huda sekarang ini bahagia sebab akan ada cahaya mata yang bermaksud Airiel akan dapat kawan?

Kenapa tidak bersyukur yang suami kini berada di sisi dan berusaha memperbaiki perhubungan?

Diri ini beristighfar dan beristighfar kembali.

Semoga Allah mengampunkan hambaNya ini kerana lupa akan kurniaan yang diberi.