Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Public Hospital Experience - University Hospital

Hello readers,

Some of my readers have been asking me how my experience was in University Hospital this time around for my c-sect.

Well, I can't say my experience can be the same as normal patients, as my situation was far from normal, but it was a pleasant and lovely stay.

I was bleeding by the 1st of February 2013 and drove to the hospital. I was admitted straight away. Everything was a blur as the nurses and doctors moved so fast. They just couldn't wait as Akif had to be taken out ASAP. But the rooms and facilities were all very comfortable. I had my own room while waiting for the operation. The nurses were all kind and soft spoken. I was of course, the subject of great interest of all the housemans in the hospital who came and saw me in droves to ask me about the hydrops and Akif.

I had a very cheery doctor who did my emergency c-sect. He was singing and cheery all throughout the c-sect. Hahaha.

Whilst waiting in the recovery room, I remember feeling extremely cold (I was shivering), the paediatricians kept me updated with news on Akif. I am extremely grateful to them for holding my hand and comforting me while delivering the updates and finally the news of Akif's passing.

Instead of the post natal ward, they took me to the ante-natal ward and later transferred me to a single room so I won't be stressed hearing the other patients talk about their upcoming deliveries or hearing heartbeats of other babies during the scans for other patients. The nurses were lovely and kind.

I left the very next day because I was already walking and had bowel movements and all (crazy right? but I was so desperate to leave because I am not a fan of hospitals, so I made a point to get up and move it despite the pain).

The best part about everything is the bill, which came up to about RM800 bucks only! I mean seriously? RM800 bucks for emergency c-sect, ward stays and everything else and top notch, kind service.

I would recommend it to anyone and everyone. The facilities are new because UH has set up a new building for moms and kids. So its uber comfortable.

Remember, the key to government hospitals is to not complain and whine about every single little thing (it ain't no 5 star hotel ok so janganla nak melebih pulak?). Be nice and they will be nice to you.

19 days left to my confinement and I can't wait huhu..

Bye readers

Monday, February 25, 2013

Boycotting Israeli Products - Chilli Sauce

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.” 

Hey everyone, is it Monday already?

My thoughts these days usually drift to Akif, and sometimes to Aisha as well. I realised there has been a lot deaths that I have had to deal with in 2012 and 2013. I comfort myself by saying that they are both in a better place, recite Al-Fatihah for them and go on my way.

I have not forgotten the promise I made to Aisha and to myself about doing what I can for the people of Palestine. My family have steadfastly held on to the boycott, Alhamdulillah. It has become second nature to pick alternative products these days.

I do plan to adopt another child in Palestine, although the prospect of them dying and causing me grief sends shivers down my spine when I think of it.

We have found alternatives for chilli and tomato sauce and our fast faves these days are:-

The trick is to look and buy local products, which more often than not, taste better than the ones produced by the conglomerates that supports Israel, if you know what I mean. Now, don't expect me to mention any names now, lest I be sued for defamation in this litigious society.

Alright, have a good week ahead.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Wound That Can Never Heal

"To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity." -Soren Kierkegaard

I love sharing with my readers. I am glad my experience with hydrops have helped some malay readers of mine to join the respective support groups for comfort. I am glad I can answer their questions.

But there are turmoils in my life which are much too personal for me to share here. If I thought Akif's passing was the only thing that I have had to deal with, I was wrong. There have been more surprises, more heartbreak that I have had to face as well, all at one go.

Combined, I felt as if my entire universe was crumbling around me. That this will be the death of me for sure. That everything I knew, believed and trusted was one big lie. The betrayal I felt was beyond excruciating. Beyond any pain I have ever experienced. A knife permanently lodged in my heart.

Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia...

How I wish I could turn back time and make different decisions in my life, then perhaps I could have been spared all this grief. But it is too late for that. It is what it is. 

This is what I have to face. And face it I must.

I have a wound inside which I know will never heal. Because the circumstances of my life have been irretrievably changed, damaged, tainted. What I hold sacred and dearest to my heart for the past 10 years of my life, is sacred and dear to me no more.

May Allah give me strength to face something which I know I have not the strength to shoulder.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Online Shopping 2013 - Part 1

Nenda has a rule when it comes to confinement, all the clothes worn during confinement must be thrown away after the 44 days period.

Plus I have given away all my preggy clothes because it reminds me too much of Akif.

So that gives me an excuse to buy new clothes!

On with it then. Some are for wear at home, others are for me to wear out.

For me to wear at home, to replace my kaftans I wear during confinement. These are from 

Soft pastel easy wearing flowy top. From Mooie

To wear at home. Short kaftan top. Am currently looking for some chiffon pants or something soft and flowy to go with it. This is from Kaftan Batik

Lovely pastel mint top. This is from EDZ. For goss sessions with my girls hahaha

This is kinda cute. I chose the black and white one. Maybe I'll wear it to work one of these days. This is from Asylla Collection.

I bought another top from Milktee but it was removed from the website before I had a change to download the pic and post it here.

I'm sure I am going to buy some more stuff before my confinement ends. Let's just hope I won't spend too much ehh?

Friday, February 15, 2013

Reading LIst 2013 - Part 1

Hey Everyone,

Updates are slow I know...simply because well, I am not doing anything much during my confinement. It is kind of boring going through confinement without a baby to care for. But let's not go there shall we?

This post is about all the books I have read 12 days into my confinement.

Very good reads they are, give them a try will you?

I know the weekend is coming up and I hope everyone enjoys it, although for me the lines of time have become really blurred these days, they just drag and drag on.

My confinement ends on 17th March 2013. Let's hope I do not go crazy with boredom by then.

Until next time. 

Friday, February 8, 2013

The End of Akif's Journey - Hydrops

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Ana├»s Nin

I have been writing and deleting...writing and deleting this post since I first tried.

How do I go about describing the greatest love story of my life, the greatest love I have ever known? My love for my children, my love for Akif?

My Akif who was normal up until 6 months in my tummy, my Akif who after being diagnosed..I practically stopped my entire life in motion for? I stopped going to work, I stopped eating and practically only gained 3 kg throughout my pregnancy all in all  but I literally forced myself to eat for his sake. I was sensitive to his slightest movements, I spoke to him, I cried to him, I laughed with him, I told him stories, I read to him the entire Al-Quran in the span of one month...I prayed with him, for him.

I would drive in the car and drive around in Shah Alam and stop and show him places and say things like 'this is where Mama and Abah met' or 'this is where we used to study' or 'this is where we fell in love'. Airiel also learned to speak to Akif everyday.

Was it because I knew Akif was not going to make it? Did I know? A mother always knows I think...I knew for sure that night I had my dream about that beautiful place, I knew that this is where Akif was going to be, and that made me feel better.

After that, my prayer would be for Allah to prepare me for Akif leaving, not for Akif to be alive, but for me to be given the strength to let him go as a mother... that was what I prayed for. Yes, I knew Akif was not going to make it.

Akif was born on 2.2.2013 at 1.14p.m.. Fighting with all his might, he lived and fought right up until the very end and passed away about an hour later at 2.45p.m. Just like I said, he is strong like his mama ... he is a fighter just like his mama.

The day I was wheeled into the operating theatre for my emergency surgery, I spoke to him one last time and said 'Akif, you need to be strong and brave, not all battles can be won, but what matters is that we fought, and that we fought till the very lets go Akif and fight this one final round...Mama loves you no matter what...' and with those words, I felt one final kick before I went in.

And just like that, Akif is gone from my life.

How do you define love I wonder? Is it by how long you have loved and known someone? Can it be counted by the hours you have loved? I don't know... all I know is that in the short moments I have had with Akif, I felt the strongest love I have ever felt in my entire life. Often times, the people who claim to love us are the very ones who hurt and betray us, expect things from us which are just out of  our bounds to give.

The love I shared with Akif and Airiel is nothing like that, it asks for nothing in return, it does not hurt or disappoint, it does not lie nor betray. It does not expect perfection nor crave it. It is pure as can be.

The days that follow have not been easy, I have my ok days and my extremely dark days. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him.

Akif, mama will miss you everyday until the day mama meets you again. Mama hopes mama will be worthy enough of that chance.

Thank you for holding on for so long, thank you for being in mama's life even for a short moment. Thank you for being a fighter to the very end.

Mama loves you, always...