Friday, March 29, 2013

School Holidays Activities

“One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.” 

Hello Everyone,

An update finally!

This is the last week of my long long leave, can you believe I have been away from the office for 4 and a half months since Akif's diagnosis?

It's crazy...and my bosses have been really supportive. Honestly I cannot wait to be back at work and to be busy again.

Anyways, some school hols pics for everyone.

First up, a trip to PD. A short one. Was not very happy with the Corus Hotel as our room went out of power tgh malam, that we left and went back to KL. Tempat lain fully booked as it was school hols kan. But at least Airiel had fun at the beach that evening.

Next up, Puteri Harbour Family Theme Park. Its still relatively new and way small compared to Legoland, but it had fun rides and innovative games which Airiel loved and yes, its fully air conditioned (Thank God!!).

We did in actual fact go to Legoland but only took a few pics, which I will upload later. The weather was terrible, it was way too hot to have any actual fun and I had a sweater on! Maybe we will go next time when we have the chance.

More than love...

This is the only life I am going to get to live, and I must live it to the best of my abilities. So I shall smile and make the most of my fractured life...

Have a good weekend my readers...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Luahan Cinta Seorang Hamba

Dear Allah, my heart belongs to You...always have and always will ...i know You will not break it, i know You will always show me the truth, i know You will not betray me, i know You don't break Your promises, i know You were always there for me...forgive me if i have forsaken Your love for a love which was deluded and mortal...i am willing to let everything go, so long as i can hold on to You...I love You

Friday, March 15, 2013

A day harder than most...

“Here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” 
― Haruki Murakami

Yesterday was Akif's due date. But Allah has other plans and I only have 2 days left to my confinement. And well...its hard.

And so today I was driving around running errands everywhere. Byk tertangguh dah sgt.

And then I read Bonda's status update.

it was a good day yesterday..not too much patient..i sempat wanna do my own thing..hari smalam je ade dr perempuan..coz its my turn to locum all the preggy lady will come for scans..all was ok..until the last patient that i was a picture that i know too well..fluid was the abdomen..the chest was the grave "hydrops fetalis"..instantly my eyes swells up..flash back of the last 8 months was playing in front of my eyes late nephew akif....bonda ( thats what my nephew calls me) was there when me and mama first book u at kk kelana jaya..bonda was there when we realize something is wrong with you.and .since then bonda has never left your side..for every scan..for every follow up..bonda was there when you were fighting for your life..and saw you struggling to breathe..and bonda was there when you draw your last was bonda who carried you in my arms ..from the NICU to the morgue..and held you until atok came for your burial..never did once bonda cried..because bonda need to be strong..strong for mama..strong for nenda..strong for atok..and strong for your brother airil..eventhough our encounter was have taught me a few things..that every single a battle..and it is a battle that is worth fighting for..that we should fight until our last have remind me..that i should never give matter how hard life in peace my nephew..i know that you are in a better place...
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And my tears just started flowing. I know people say I am strong, but honestly I am not. I just try my best to be, what choice do I have?

Thank you family for reminding me you are always there when I felt most alone. Thank you Allah for the family I have in my life. Thank you Bonda, Nenda and Atuk. You guys are my ROCK. I would not have survived Akif's death and my other tribulations which I face right now without you. Thank you for sharing the burden, thank you for understanding my pain. Thank you for crying with me...

And my everything, Airiel. Thank you for being grown up and taking care of mama, thank you for wiping mama's tears, thank you for hugging mama when mama desperately need it, thank you for existing...this is LOVE.

Akif, finally mama knows what it means to be missing someone every day for the rest of mama's life....

Pohon kekuatan Ya Allah, ku sedar semuanya sekadar pinjaman...

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If she has to make a choice, may she make it now. Then I will either wait for her or forget her.” ― Paulo Coelho

As I am confronted by my own demons, I see my own friends being beset with theirs. Nothing is ever what it appears to be, and happiness is usually only skin deep.

I say to myself, is God trying to show me something by showing me all this? Is this a sign for something that I should do with my own life? I wish He would just write in capital letters in the clouds and tell me what is best for me and Airiel and my family, but things are never that simple...or clear. Sigh...

And I don't understand the concept of 'I've screwed up big time with my life and my family, let's go to umrah...'. Will that magically solve every problem you've caused upon yourself and your family? If you wanted to change something within yourself, is going to umrah going to help you make that change? Or is it something you have to decide for yourself? within yourself? I don't know...

Cliche... I find.

And I know most you will that this is also cliche, but its true when they say that your life really flashes before your eyes when you think you're going to die. When I was in surgery with Akif, and I thought that I would surely die of grief in the event that Akif dies, that's exactly what happened. Images flashed through my head, of all the times I had with Akif. How I spoke to him, laughed with him, read to him, cried for him. Images of me and the husband and the times we shared together. 

I am at a crossroads in my life. And I must decide which turn I must take.

May Allah help me.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Pantang Menu

No matter what, once in your life someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces, and they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you are strong. And no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone ~ unknown

Some of my readers have been asking me what my pantang food is like.

Well, the only thing I can eat and drink is below:-

1. Nasi Putih
2. Ikan Bawal bakar with salt and black pepper
3. Daging Bakar with salt and black pepper
4. Ikan masin kurau with salt black pepper
5. Air panas/suam
6. Serunding daging only

So, switch that up over 44 days.

Terrifying kan?

It doesn't end there, the pantang does not stop at 44 days, only select food is available for me to eat up to a certain point:-

1. No vege. Sawi can only be eaten 4 months after delivery
2. No seafood except udang until maybe about 6 months after delivery
3. No fruits except watermelon. Fruits pantang lama, maybe a year like that
4. No ice or cold stuff for about a year (which means no ice cream and yg sewaktu dengannya ok?)

Yezza, get the horror of what I am going through?

But I look at Nenda and she is so healthy for her age, takde sakit urat, takde badan angin angin, takde pantang makan apa. She says she owes it all to her pantang regime. So I'm just following whatever her orders are for this pantang thing and hope I will be as healthy as her when I get old. Bukannya boleh harap sgt suami atau anak anak jaga. In the end kena jaga diri sendiri.

Alright readers. Until next time...