Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

I think this article is useful..just for sharing purposes..

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live togetherdifferently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.

One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.

The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

Article taken from

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Weekend Trappings

I know its already Wednesday..but I have been busy..trial this week and another trial the next.

So you can imagine.

Anyways..last week went to burn some RM on a shopping spree at pavilion.

Verdict - kopak

ON Sunday.. me and Aries pekena nasi ayam Pak Mal. UITM students sure tahu pasal nasi ayam ni..hehe

The famous sambal

Yummy chicken -Aries

My chicken


Honestly, portions ayam dia mcm skit..tapi it depends on luck rasanya..sebab diorg potong ayam cam random...

I know I have not been updating pics of Airiel lately..tapi itulah sebabnya dia dah ligat sgt bergerak..its hard to take a proper pic. Will try and tangkap and upload..

Bz gotta run!

Friday, April 16, 2010


Kebelakangan ni, rasa teramat rindu kepada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa..

Its hard to stabs at the heart and you feel like..Ya Allah, rindunya padaMu.

Syukur yang tak terhingga terhadap kehidupan sekarang untuk nama, harta dan keluarga yang dikurniakan..

Lalu sentiasa mendengar lagu ini sambil menangis..


Disaat waktu berhenti...kosong
Dimensi membutakan mata,memekakkan telinga
Lalu diri menjadi hampa
Saat paradigma dunia tak lagi digunakan untuk menerka*
Sadarku akan hadirmu,mematahkan sendi2 yang biasanya tegak berdiri

ult li albi bissaraha (I'm opening up my heart with honesty)
hayya nab'idil karaha (Let's avoid the hated and hatred)
syakkireena a' kulli ni'ma (Let's remain thankful with what we have)
ba' ideena anil fattana (Let's avoid all lies and sins)

Merenungi luar jendela,mengagumi kebesaran yang Maha Esa
Ku menilai kehidupan dari sudut berbeza
Tak memadai hanya kecapi rasa selesa
Maukan harta yang mampu beli 1 semesta
Berpesta ke pagi botol bergelimpangan
Kekasih muda bukan takat berpegang tangan
Harta dan jamuan nafsu tidak berkekalan
Bila menjelang tua bukan itu jadi bekalan
Dan jangan puisi ini disalah tafsir pula
Bukan berkhutbah cuma betuli diri jua
Ingin hidup sempurna aset nilai berjuta,
Saling tukar wanita,senyum dan mati tua
Bakat dikurnia jangan disalah guna
Jangan kufur nikmat yang diberi percuma
Guna kelebihan untuk hikmah bersama
Jagalah nama hidup penuh pementasan dan drama
Ada berisi ada yang kurus,ada melencong ada yang lurus bukan semuanya tulus
Ada sempuna ada kurang upaya ada yang jadi buta hanya bila sudah kaya
Sebesar rumah bermula dengan sekecil bata,boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata
Ucaplah alhamdulillah bukannya sukar, kerna semua nak kaya atau besar
Tetap Allahuakbar

Jadikanlah ku tentera Fisabilillah yang tertera di kalimah harap memanduilah
Entah apabila persimpangan tiba,hidup penuh rintangan harus kuhadapinya
Harapku tidak terlupa diri bila gembira,dan cuma mula mencari kau disaat hiba
Ku cuma manusia penuh dengan kesilapan tapi bisa membezakan cahaya dan kegelapan
Tabah bila dihalangan duri onak dan cobaan
Teguh bila dicobakan keruh kuasa dan perempuan
Sentiasa legar diminda,dikejar dan dipinta dari zaman bermula hingga ke akhirnya
Ku mengerti siapa ku tanpamu disisi dan apa guna posesi juga posisi
Sementara ini cuma hanya puisi,nukilan tulisan dan bisikan isi hati
Mencari keterangan,menjiwai peranan menepati pesanan janji juga saranan
Alhamdulillah atas kurniaan rezeki,moga tidak terleka dalam perjalanan ini

Aku yang memandang di dalam lubuk hati,mencari-cari zat rahsia yang katanya tersembunyi
Aku yang melihat alam meliputi wujud menyertai lalu ku pindahkan alam ke dalam mata hati
Aku hakiki,aku mengerti segala yang terjadi di langit dan di bumi
Gunanya tiada fantasi, pelik dan benar,qada' dan qadar kau berilah ku kekuatan
Agar dapat ku hindarkan segala kesesatan
Usah kau biar nafsuku terliur dari pandangan majazi ini,
Aku yang hodoh lagi hina amat benar merindui
Moga cahaya lailatul tak membutakan mataku,semoga segala puji tak ku meninggi diri
Moga segala janji dapat juga ku penuhi,moga dapatku hadapi tikaman dari belakang
Lidah setajam pisau, ku tidak akan risau dengan cabaran sepanjang perjalanan
ku pasrah ku akur 7,8,6 Alhamdulillah Syukur...

Sujudku pun takkan memuaskan inginku
'tuk hanturkan* sembah sedalam kalbu
Adapun kusembahkan syukur padamu ya Allah
Untuk nama,harta dan keluarga yang mencinta
Dan perjalanan yang sejauh ini tertempa
Alhamdulillah pilihan dan kesempatan
Yang membuat hamba mengerti lebih baik makna diri
Semua lebih berarti akan mudah dihayati

May I be forgiven for all that I have forsaken, forgone and for all that I have forgotten.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

My sister's keeper

I am upset and angry..

2 days back, I saw a so 'called' friend on FB make a derogatory comment about a disabled person trying to sell him a pen. The disabled person apparently perli him when he did not want to buy the pen. And he referred to the disabled person as 'org cacat yang kerek'.

When I read blood boiled..I actually posted a comment that said" jgnla cakap macamtu, nanti ko cacat baru ko tahu'. He deleted the comment. I deleted him from my friends list. He is a DPP.

I find it totally unacceptable for a person to make these kinds of comments. Tryla bila kau diuji Tuhan dengan kekurangan anggota, terpaksa menjaja menjual pen dalam keadaan panas terik, lepastu org dgn suka hati tak mahu beli. Tidakkah anda akan merasa stress? Kalau setakat pen itu RM5 atau RM10, takkan tidak boleh bersedekah dgn membeli? Bukankah Tuhan sudah menjanjikan ganjaran 10 kali ganda atas apa yang anda sedekahkan dengan seikhlas hati?

Kalaupun tak mahu beli, kalaupun terasa dengan perlian org yang kurang upaya itu, perlukah menulis komen sebegitu di FB? Perlukah menghina org yang kurang upaya kerana dia cuba mencari rezeki dengan menjual pen? Bagaimana pula jika Tuhan menguji anda dan satu hari anda kehilangan anggota dan terpaksa menjual pen pula? What then?

Why am I so angry and upset over this? Because my youngest sister IS DISABLED. She has been since she was 8 years old. She does not want to be the way she is and sometimes she lashes out ... but I realised that if I was in her position, I would probably be as bitter as she is and I accept her tantrums and let it go.

I suppose unless you are a disabled person yourself or have someone disabled in your family, you wouldn't be sensitive to these kinds of issues. But still, it is no excuse to be disrespectful to another human being, regardless of whether you think you lebih 'sempurna' dari org itu.

To that person, I think you should be ashamed..but I know you are not. Berhati-hatilah dengan apa yang anda katakan, jgn bongkak dan takabbur, kelak nanti Tuhan akan menguji anda pula.

I am my sister's keeper.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Weekend haritu..pergi tgk Clash of the Titans (3d) kat Mid Valley.

It was ok, but I find the title to be extremely misleading, and as a fan of Greek mythology, the title came as a disappointment. It was not a clash of the Titans, but rather a clash between mortals and Gods. was a remake of a classic, so i suppose you can't change the title.. but I would have to say, special effects aside, I loved the original more.

Before the movie, we got makan dekat Madam Kwan, lauk biasa je..and it was so so..:-

My fav, mushroom and brocolli

Aries order kari kepala ikan (small ok?) skali yang kuar gedabak gila..rupanya ini mmg small punya..

Sambal ikan bilis

Petai and udang

And BTW, I received my spanx! I dah start pakai and I am loving it. But lemme warn you from the outset that spanx ni adalah utk eliminate bulges and give a streamline shape to your body, and is not like all the corsets we have on the market that forces your body to have really crazy shapes sampai takleh nafas. Its very comfy but mind you, not cheap, I bought 5 sets of the 'higher power' spans and it costs me a hefty RM1k ok?

Tapi my bulges are gone and I don't have excess skin bulging out when I wear my jeans and clothes, so for 1K, I think its a reasonable price to pay.

Tgh dlm mood bershopping lagik, so wait for the next update yea!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Shopping nurses a broken heart!!!

The title above really works for me!!


My newest online purchases below:-

The blogshop is femme@ellza

Maxi dresses galore yeayy!!!

Bukannya semua nak menggantikan baju kelawar yang dipakai di rumah..nampak frumpy je depan suami..ingat nak ranggi skit..kalo tengok length baju yang dijual disini pon..macam ok dgn ketinggian diri - the length of the maxi dresses above is 145 cm..:-)


I am happeeee!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Berdiam itu Lebih Baik

Recently... ada mende yang menyebabkan hati rasa sangat terguris.

Harus melihatnya dengan penuh hikmah.

Tak mahu bertindak melulu.

Terkadang terasa bahawa ujian yang diberi Tuhan itu seperti tidak mampu sahaja untuk ditanggung.

Tapi nak buat mcmmana..hadapi dengan senyuman, walaupun airmata itu deras sahaja mengalir.

Tuhan, berikanlah kekuatan yang berterusan kepadaku.

Aku memerlukannya untuk anakku.

Kali ini, sesungguhnya berdiam diri itu lebih baik.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Bizzy April

Iye iye..April ni tersangatlah bizzynye..

I've got 2 trials back to back.... penat nak buat ground work tp macam excited gak sebenarnya.

Appeal hearings..God knows what else punya in Court almost every day starting tomorrow sampai habis April ni..

Aries pon bz dgn trial human trafficking nye..

Airiel dah start nak berlari sini sana..kepala pon pusing..tapi hati rasa warm and fuzzy bila tgk dia.. pics sebab skrang nak tangkap pic dia susah..he's always running around!!!

I need a vakasyen!!! Aries oh Aries..plan a romantic getaway boleh?



Dear Aries,

Happy belated birthday...

Hope you're happy with the 'S'...

Yours truly..then, now..forever and for always..