Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Losing a child - How insensitive can society be towards us mothers?

"Death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between 
being taken and being missed, lives are changed" ~ Mitch Alborn

It has taken me a while to write about this. I wanted to wait until I was less upset and until I calmed down. When I was in court the other day, I bumped into my junior (well I think she is my junior because her face was vaguely familiar and I have seen her masa my LLB Hons days).

Mind you, I wasn't close to her at all. Definitely not close enough to be friends, or even as a facebook friend. I couldn't even remember her name. She looked at me and screamed out on the 5th floor lobby of the Kuala Lumpur Duta Court "OMG, I heard you miscarried, so kesian!!!"

It was like it was the most normal way of greeting a person you rarely see and barely know and who have been through HELL and back these past few months. In public, loudly, in full view and hearing of everyone. Naturally I just froze, and began to get visibly upset. EVERYONE and I mean everyone went quiet.

After I managed a pissed off retort to which she replied rather rudely to me, I just did not see the point in responding and walked off to run off to the ladies to stop myself from bursting into tears in full view of my other brethren on the 5th floor lobby.

What is wrong with these kind of people? I don't understand. Can't she just ask quietly if she was so curious? Why does those kind of words have to come out of anybody's mouth?

And one word in that sentence pissed me off beyond measure. She said (or screamed out rather) that I 'miscarried'.

I did not miscarry. Does people know what miscarriage means at all? Or what it is that happened to Akif? Let me enlighten these people:-

Miscarriage :- Spontaneous end of a pregnancy at a stage where the embryo or fetus is incapable of surviving independently and is the most common complication of early pregnancy;

Stillbirth : - Occurs when a fetus had died in the uterus. Most stillbirths occur in full term pregnancies;

Neonatal Death : - Death of a baby born alive within first 7 days of life.

What I experienced was a neonatal death, Akif meninggal tidak lama selepas dilahirkan. He was 8 months, almost full term. I did not miscarry.

Faham tak?

Somehow people think that if it is a miscarriage, it is normal for a mother, so you are supposed to get over it quicker or something.

Then they say something utterly stupid like 'buatlah anak baru'. I mean what the heck does that mean? Like my child was a pen or a bag which I lost, that I can replace just like that? No one child will be the same as another. That kind of statement does not make me feel better at all.

And then she said something else in her response to my retort. She said 'get over it'. Don't you think I would like to be over it? Don't you think that I do not wake up everyday wishing that I do not feel like a black hole exists in my heart which only Akif can fill? Don't you think I would want to go about in a day and not feel like a knife is stabbing my heart everytime I see another mother holding, hugging and kissing their baby? Don't you think that I want to be over all that? Do you think I purposely want to feel that way?

And I hate it when people say this to me, and yes there have been people who have said it to me time and time again. 'Janganlah bersedih, bersedih itu tandanya tak boleh terima takdir tuhan'. Is that really what grief is all about? Is it really about me not being able to accept that Akif is dead, buried and gone? I am at peace with the fact that little Akif is gone. That he is waiting for me in heaven. That he misses me as much as I miss him. That he wants to hug me as much as I want to hug him. That he wants to smother me with kisses as much as I want to smother him with mine.

I know he is in a better place. I am glad he did not have to suffer. But my grief does not come from the fact that he is gone...unlike so many people think or presume...my grief comes from the fact that I miss him so very very much and there is nothing I can do to make that go away. Have you ever gone outstation and left your kids behind? Do you have sleepless nights thinking about them wishing you could kiss them goodnight but you can't because you're so far away? That is what I feel, every day about Akif.

And I am struck by fear sometimes, so much fear that it cripples me. I am afraid that if I am not being the best muslim I could be, I will not be able to meet him on the other side. Call me crazy but that is how I feel. I am afraid that Akif is in heaven and that I will go to hell and I will not have a chance to meet him. Or be with him or make up for the time that I have lost since he is not here with me in my lifetime.

This is the truth of the matter.

I just wish people can be supportive for the sake of being supportive. I just wish people can treat me normally instead of giving my sympathy looks. I just wish people can leave me alone in my grief.

This is my burden to bear and I will bear with it in my own way. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aurat compliant top - Chantek Dress

Hello everyone,

Not only is it a Monday, it is a HAZY monday here in Kuala Lumpur.

Anyways, I am excited about these tops I have bought recently.


Long, flowy and loose, they are so so comfy. And it covers my aurat! Anyways, I wore them with jeans and not skirts but I still think they look fab.

They are from Chantek Dress.

P.S - these pictures are credited to Chantek Dress.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Welcome to the family!

"The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see - the wailing on street corners, 
the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, 
there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on  the part of your soul that survived" ~ Katie McGarry

Hello everyone.

It's Friday!

Huhu, just want to welcome some new members of my familia.

Meet Addie everyone...

This is Bella...

Have a good weekend...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them
And each day I wish I had another pair
Sometimes my shoes hurt so bad
That I do not think I can take another step

Yet I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in the eyes of others that they are glad these are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes
To learn about how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them

But once you put them on
You can never take them off
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes
There are many pairs in the world

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything
They have made me who I am
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child...

P.S - This poem was taken of the wall of my hydrops support group. I have no idea who wrote it. I do not own any rights to the above

Monday, June 17, 2013

Just Nuts About Jeans - Part 5

Hello Readers,

It's Monday I know.

So many things change in 1 day. For instance yesterday, feedly's own feeder cloud was up and running for the first time! And so goodbye google reader. All good things must come to an end I suppose.

Now, let's get back to my jeans obsession that has only grown over the years.

My Rock and Republic Jeans and Luxe Jeans

These cost a bomb!

But they are so comfy and make my legs look skinny so what the heck! (boleh?) haha

Have a good week ahead now

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Crazy about EDZ

The curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many.
The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain ~ Carson McCullers 

Hello readers,

I have found the coolest dresses yg jaga aurat and looks fab on me.

They are from EDZ. I have bought the Kate dress in batches, in different colours.

 Metallic Silver


My fave colour, green of course

I bought the copper colour the earliest and wore it during my cousin's kenduri during elections haritu. My relatives loved it and were asking where I bought it from!

Ok, you can't see the dress in full from these pictures, but it's real pretty and flowy, see the material?. I had to alter the length but it looked great nevertheless!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Boycott Israel - Progress Update [Instant Noodles]

Hello Everyone,

I have just managed to finish an opinion. Documents were only given yesterday and I had to hand it over before lunch.

Managed to get it done alhamdulillah.

Anyways, back to my progress update. I have permanently changed the instant noodles the household used to buy. You know that the biggest food producer in the world is substantially owned by Israel right and are integral in funding the IDF. So instead I have changed my instant noodles to a local company.

And I love the flavour. The Mamee company is a local company formed in 1976. The company website is here.

Remember readers. The trick is in boycotting Israeli products and making it easy for yourself is to go local or go Asian. Buy local products or Asian based products. So many alternatives out there in the market.

Best of luck!

Have a good weekend ahead.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Updates on Airiel - 2013 [Part 1]

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone.
It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. 
It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it?
What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and it falls apart? 
Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. 
The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever" ~ Grey's Anatomy

Hello readers,

It's time for Airiel updates. 

Airiel the teacher 

Airiel the vainpot 

Airiel the perfume model 

Airiel the dentist 

Airiel the komando 

Airiel the companion 

Airiel the guardian

 Airiel the cheeky

Airiel,  the doodler

Airiel, the 'everything'

This is Airiel, my beloved, my heart, my soul, my universe.

This is Airiel, who I will fight tooth and nail to protect, who I love more than myself, who I would gladly give away my life for.

This is Airiel, my son.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Baci, Citta Mall Ara Damansara

Hello Readers,

It's a Monday and Monday's suck especially when you have work to rush.

I am loving my coffee and my office IT guy just installed my work database on my mackie this morning which allows me to work from home or on the go more effectively! Hooray!

So my Monday is not so bad I guess.

Anyways...here goes a food entry which I should have posted aeons ago. On a hang out session with a fried, she suggested Baci. I mean Ara Damansara is where I live and I go to Citta Mall a lot, but honestly, I have never been to Baci.

I opted for something safe ordering the first time and had spaghetti bolognese (huge portion I might add) and some nice tea.

It was not bad and I recall the prices were reasonable.

The best part? The seats! You have an option to sit on a Japanese bersila, sofa 'ish' type of seats there.


Alright. work beckons. I miss Airiel already.

Have a good the rest of the week.