Only Love Can Hurt Like This

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places..." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Hello readers.

An update about Akif, well sort of.

The picture below Airiel asked me to take. This was Sunday.

When I asked him why. He says that he wants to look at it whenever he thinks of his brother.

Sigh

 What is in that head and heart of yours little one?

Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way

All that you rely on

And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning

Will find you in the day

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

You're all I taste 

At night

Inside of my mind

You run away

Because I am not what you found

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

Everything will change

Nothing stays the same

Nobody is perfect

But everyone is to blame

All that you rely on

And all that you can say

Will leave you in the morning

And find you in the day

Everything is dark

It's more than you can take

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining

Shining down on your face

Your face

You're in my veins

And I cannot get you out

I cannot get you out

In my veins ~ Noah and Allie

"Me : Why do you want to see Akif?

Airiel : I miss my brother

*Silence*

Airiel : Do you miss him too?

Me : I miss him too sayang. I miss him too"

Verily, with hardship there is relief.

And yet only love can hurt like this.

Have a good week ahead readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Takziah QZ8501

"With his revelation... I shattered into a million shards. I felt each piece as it splintered and separated from the whole like a glass I had broken the day before. Debris flew everywhere. It left me without any option but to pick each broken pieces up, analyze it, and find out where it belonged. I had to find out where I belonged" ~ T.R Graves

I know grief

I know death

I know loss

It haunts my dreams, my nights. Almost 3 years ago and committed to memory.

I wake up crying most nights, with the same dream of how that kind lady doctor held my hand in that surgery recovery room while I was covered with a shiny metal blanket over me and told me my SON had died. That he had lost his fight. I was alone. ALONE. Always alone.

And that I was shivering with cold. It haunts. It plunders. Eating away at my soul. Some days I tether on the edge of insanity. Some days are bearable. Rindu ingin berjumpa anak yg dicinta lebih dari nyawa. Sesungguhnya rindu itu menyeksa jiwa.

Gone.

My condolences to all the families of those lost in Flight QZ5801. The grief unimaginable. The pain unbearable. 

May you be granted courage to face what none should.

May those lost be blessed.

It is a trying year indeed.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Aidiladha - From now onwards

"I try to live life so that I can live with myself" - John Green

Reminiscing a year or 2 ago, I would never have thought that my life would turn out the way it did. What was Aidiladha to me 2 years ago? Honestly I cannot remember much of the past. 

But it was mostly filled with laughter, with family. I would always dress Airiel up for raya. There would have been a picture taken of my little family. That was the routine. That was the norm.

With Akif's passing, I have a new routine every raya. A new norm. A new normal. I must visit him the first day of Raya, be it Aidilfitri or Aidiladha. I do not have Airiel with me for most festive seasons and I am happy he goes back to his kampung in Kelantan as he would have the company of his cousins. But I miss him terribly, not used to not having him around me even for a day. 

The graveyard was packed to the brim today. Business was booming as people were selling flowers, water, even umbrellas. 

I do not feel as lonely when I visit Akif during festive season as I would see other parents visit their angel children. They are like me. I am not alone. And neither are they. They hurt as much as I do. Their tears flow just like mine. As they walk away, they would pause, turn their head around and give one last look at the graveyard specially reserved for children, forlorn, with longing, holding back the tears. It gives me an idea of how I must look like when I do exactly the same every week.

Will it ever get easier I wonder?

Sabda Rasullulah ketika mengalirkan airmata setelah kematian anaknya, Ibrahim - "Sesungguhnya mata itu menangis, hati pula bersedih, kami tidak mengatakan kecuali apa yang diredhakan oleh Tuhan kami, dan kami semua disebabkan perpisahan dengan kamu ini, Ya Ibrahim (anak Nabi SAW) teramatlah sedih” (HSR Bukhari No. Hadis 1220) ‪#‎inmemoryofakif‬

I don't know the answer to whether it would get easier.

I hope it would.

Salam Aidiladha readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Darker Days...

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk" ~ Stephanie Meyer

Hello Readers,

It is a Monday.

I must state from the very outset that this post is about Akif.

I have shared with you Akif's story from the moment I found out about his hydrops until the day he took his last breath.

I have shared with you how I have faced the days since I buried him.

There are okay days. There are dark days. And then there are days where I cannot see the light at all. The darkest I call them.

Last week was one such week.

There is always a trigger for things turning darkest I find.

For last week, it was this.

Airiel woke up last week with an obsession. He wanted to see his little brother. I relented after the 37th time he pestered me (Yes, I counted because I am anal like that).

So I brought him.

It amazed me to no end to see how grown up and mature he acted. He amin all the prayers I recited. He insisted that he pour the water over his little brother's grave. He helped me pull out all the weeds. He was talking to his little brother. He brought along his current favourite toy at that moment (because it changes pretty much every week). A bat mobile which he 'showed' Akif.

And then he said something which astounded me and killed me at the same time. He said 'I hope you have better toys in heaven brother, we cannot play together'.

It felt like a samurai sword had just sliced me in half and then chopped my heart into little pieces. And then it felt like someone tried to force feed me the chopped little pieces of my own heart.

He was pleased with himself that he visited.

I was okay initally. The grief of it only kicked in a few days later. When I realised how messed up things are.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be having a conversation with his brother at his brother's grave.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be facing this when he is only 5 years old.

How messed up it was for me to watch my son grow up too fast. How I could not protect him.

How I could not protect Akif. How I could not save him.

How messed up things are.

How its just so messed up.

And I know Akif is in heaven, and he visits me in my dreams. How it is a much better place to be. No pain, no suffering. Things are all beautiful and peaceful.

But in those days when the darkness consumes me, I do not want Akif to be in heaven. I want him to be here with me.

I do not want Akif to be in a better place. I want him to be here with me.

I don't want to settle for seeing Akif in my dreams. I want him to be here with me.

Screw the beautiful, peaceful place. I want him here with me, with Airiel.

I want him with me and everything else can be damned.

I am such a human. So flawed, so greedy, so damaged.

I am so damned, blessed. Depending on whichever way you look at it.

Let this darkness pass, like everything else.

My dearest Almighty, janganlah Kau sesatkan cintaku.

Mama rindu Akif.

Rindu.

No words...

"From child's hour I have not been. As others were, I have not seen. As others saw, I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone. And all I loved, I loved alone" ~ Edgar Allen Poe

I sat there listening to our PM say those words.

Those words. "...ended in the Indian Ocean".

"Ended"

"Ended"

There are no words...

No words...

My deepest condolences to the family and friends of those on board MH370. 

May they all be blessed.

Erti Rindu...

"I try to lie but it isn't me..I try to look but I can't see.. I can't stop right now because I'm too far...

and I can't keep going because its too hard..." ~ Flipsyde

Hi everyone.

This post is for one of my readers. She wants to frame up a picture of her son's grave and put it in her cubicle at her office. People are saying she's going nuts or being inappropriate, things like that. She asked me, should she do it? Is she being weird? She says when she looks at the picture, she feels like he is close to her, but nobody seems to understand that.

But I do...yes, I do.

Tuesday evenings I reserve for Akif these days. Leave the office and see him. Baca Yassin, tell him my updates for the week. Whats happening at work, whats happening with his big brother at school. I ask him hows things are up there. I find graveyards peaceful. Birds chirping, wind blowing, its never too hot or too cold. The uncles that take care of the graveyard, they expect me to come every Tuesday. They know my name, they know Akif's name, what happened to him. They smile and laugh with me, they have cried with me. They keep me company when they see I need it, they give me space when they know I must have it.

You know, its my way of coping. I think when you lose someone permanently in your life, when they die, all you want is to feel close to them. That they are still somehow close and connected to you. And this is my way. 

For those who have lost someone, find your own way to cope. It might be strange to others, it might be morbid, it might cause discomfort, ruffle a few feathers. But this is who you are. Your burden to bear. You have to ease it your own way. I never expect people to understand why I do the things I do when it comes to my relationship with Akif. What I experienced with him, only him and I will know.

Kerinduan itu, tiada satupun yang mampu mengertikannya...

I hope this answers your question love.

Much love from me and Airiel.

1 Year Soon - A Tale of Love

My dearest readers,

It is going to be a year since Akif has left me soon, on 02.02.2014. I don't think I will be able to post anything about him on the day itself, it will be too difficult. The pain is too raw, the memories too fresh. So I will post this now, while I still have the strength.

What I'm about to disclose below is something I wrote after I had a dream where I met my grandfather. That post is here. This was written on 26th January 2013:-

"Akif,

Mama mimpi semalam. Mimpi mama bagi mama tanda yang Akif akan tinggalkan Mama tak lama lagi. Yang Akif tidak lama lagi di dunia ini.

Hancurnya hati Mama tak dapat Mama gambarkan. Tapi sayang Mama pada Akif, cinta Mama pada Akif tidak sehebat cinta Yang Maha Esa terhadap Akif. Mungkin ada hikmahnya di sebalik tempoh Akif berada di sini yang Mama sudah pasti tidak lama. Mama harus terima, Mama harus redha. 

Akif bukan untuk Mama. Akif hanya pinjaman sementara.

Tapi Akif, walaupun cinta Mama, Mama tahu tiada tandingan dengan cinta Yang Maha Esa terhadap Akif, izinkan Mama titipkan juga rasa cinta Mama terhadap Akif yang tidak seberapa. Ini kenangan kita, rahsia kita. Akif hidup di dalam Mama, sakitnya Akif menyeksa jiwa Mama. Hidup Akif melalui Mama. Perginya Akif dari hidup Mama, Akif harus tahu Akif membawa pergi bersama Akif sebahagian dari jiwa Mama.

Ingat cinta Mama Akif. Ingat. Walaupun nanti Mama tidak dapat melihat Akif sehingga Mama dimamah dan ditelan usia, sehingga nafas terakhir Mama, sehingga berakhirnya tempoh usia dunia. Mungkin sekadar diizinkan berjumpa di akhirat sana sekiranya cukup amalan Mama, cinta Mama terhadap Akif tetap kekal dan utuh selamanya.

Walaupun Mama tidak dapat mendengar Akif menangis, melihat senyuman pertama Akif, menyambut Akif ketika Akif jatuh, menyapu airmata Akif ketika Akif bersedih, walaupun Mama tidak dapat melihat Akif membesar di depan mata Mama, Akif tetap hidup di dalam jiwa Mama, Akif sentiasa berada di dalam hati dan memori Mama.

Ingat cinta Mama Akif, kerana cinta Mama bukan hadir sekadar di mata, bisa luput dan berubah seandainya berjauhan, cinta Mama hadir di dalam jiwa.

Pergilah Akif sayang bila tiba masanya, Mama redha. Bergembiralah di alam yang kekal di sana. Tapi Akif, ingatlah cinta Mama. Ingat cinta Mama.

Idza

26th Janury 2013

3.48 am"

Peace and love to everyone.
Idza

Thank You

"Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts" ~ Rick Warren

Hey readers,

From the outset, I state that this is a post about Akif. 

I am glad that my experiences with Akif have helped other mothers. Yesterday I was missing Akif so much, and this email came from one of my readers.

I get 1 or 2 emails like this a day. And it just warms my heart from the inside out.

When I read all these supportive emails, I realise that I am not alone in my grief, that I am not alone in missing my angel child.

When these emails say that I am strong, it makes me believe, even for a moment that perhaps I am as strong as they say I am. 

When my readers say thank you, I just want to say how much I want to thank them back, because they have helped me more than I could ever help them.

All of you make me smile, and even if there are tears, they are tears of joy.

Akif, mama wants you to see how much you have helped others. You have inspired mama so much in your short time here, and now even when you are gone, what you went through with mama helps others.

Mama is so proud of you.

Mama misses you angel Akif, to the heavens and back.

Thank you readers.

Thank you Akif.

Seniman Menangis...

Kalau kau berada di belakang tabir menyaksikan

Kau akan melihat seniman ini menangis...

Na Dasi Saranghaji Anheuri....

"Sometimes when I'm alone, I take the pearl from where it lives in my pocket and try to remember the boy with the bread, the strong arms that warded off nightmares in the train, the kisses in the arena" ~ Suzanne Collins

I will never love again...

Bunga...

Tak usah ditanya
Mengapa ku pilih
Bunga yang mewangi
Terlihat berseri
Yang tak akan nampak di matapun
Berwarni dari lain lain
Segan untuk aku sapa
Walau ada maksud yang ku sembunyi

Pernah ku mencuba terima seadanya
Sayang ia selalu calarkan sudut hatiku
Hingga lelah jiwaku dikecewa
Yang tak mungkin berpaling kembali
Namun ku yakinkan hati Tuhan pasti beri gantinya

Ku mohonkan yang indah padamu
Untuk ku tatap menawar resahku
Kekal aku disitu harungi cinta
Dan aku pohonkan yang baik
Bersantun kata kata tentang cinta
Bicarakan rindu padaku mengharum selamanya

Pernah ku mencuba terima seadanya
Sayang ia selalu calarkan sudut hatiku
Hingga lelah jiwaku dikecewa
Yang tak mungkin berpaling kembali
Namun ku yakinkan hati Tuhan pasti beri gantinya...

Peace..

"If you love someone, tell them today. If you're sorry, don't be ashamed to say it today.

If you're not happy with your life, make a change today. 

Life is short and you may never have the chance again" ~ Idza

Suatu hari nanti, pasti akan bercahaya

Pintu akan terbuka, kita akan bersama

Di situ kita lihat bersinarlah hakikat

Debu jadi permata, hina jadi mulia...

I was visiting Akif the other day and managed to take this picture. I just thought it was beautiful and wanted to share it with my readers.

Have a good week ahead. May Allah bless all of us.

Let the healing begin...may this peace last....

Reminiscing

Dearest Akif,

Mama is doing some work at the Dr. Cafe in Citta mall right now. It brings back memories.

Mama used to come here everyday after you were diagnosed in the mornings. Staying at home was unbearable, it made mama think too much. Your brother Airiel was off to school.  Your father had another life, his work somewhere else, Nenda and Bonda off to work. Everybody was gone doing their daily thing...

Mama stopped mama's life for you. The doctors said Mama need to lay easy on the stress triggers in Mama's life for your sake. And work was definitely one of them so Mama did not go to work at all.

Mama would drag mackie, and a novel or the Holy Quran and read it silently, watching the people, the world and time fly by.

The people that work here knows Mama's order by heart, and Mama secretly feels that they might even have a soft spot for mama up to this day, seeing mama so forlorn every morning here for 2 and a half months without fail.

Mama was alone, and yet mama was not. Mama listened and waited for your kicks. Mama spoke to you, cried to you, laughed with you.

And now you are gone, gone to that beautiful place mama would see in mama's dreams. A place mama couldn't enter even in a dream. Mama is always sitting outside. Can mama ever step inside?
Mama hopes to be able to one day. Mama owes you a hug and a kiss.

It is one of the main reasons that keeps mama close to the faith. Mama is scared that if mama is not good enough of a muslim, mama will never get to see you or stay with you. That thought cripples mama with fear and one which mama knows mama cannot bear with if it happens.

Bear with me Akif. One day mama hopes to not feel like mama's heart is breaking into a million pieces when mama thinks of you. Mama hopes to be able to think of you and smile instead of breaking down into heaps of tears. Mama hopes to be able to set the memory of you free, so that mama can also be free of this grief.

One day Akif, one day. But that day is not today...

9 months

"Nothing is unfixable, except the fact that you're gone" ~ Rick Riordan

The chronicles of Akif's journey is here

Missing Akif

"Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart" - Yann Martel

There are good days, some days are bad. And there are those terrible days. Today is one of those terrible days I guess.

You just wake up and realise that something is missing, something you have lost no matter what you do.

I run around and try to keep myself busy so I can stop thinking about it. And yes, when I am busy I do not think, but I still FEEL it. I feel that void all the time. That knife which is permanently stuck in me, twisting and twisting around in my gut.

I see pictures of babies on facebook and that knife just goes in deeper and deeper until I can't breathe and my vision dims because of my tears...I blink them away. Does that make sense?

Driving and being stuck in a jam is the worst. A lot of free time ends up with an idle mind and then I start thinking. What else do we humans think about than about the things that we do not or cannot have? 

I know Akif is in a better place, I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I know that.

I just wish I could hug him, cuddle him. I wish I could kiss him.. I wish I could scold him when he is naughty. I wish I could see him crawl, hear him say his first word, see his first steps. I would I could perpetually worry about him like I worry about his big brother Airiel...but some things are just not meant to be...

It is a daily struggle for me. A struggle I know all mothers who have lost a child go through.

Akif, you are not with Mama here but you are in Mama's heart, all the time...

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

Heart...

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger" ~ Emily Bronte

The Worst Time...

"Everybody was sorry. Sorry was easy. Sorry was for suckers" ~ Gretchen McNeil

A reader emailed me asking, what is the worst time for me in a day, when you get sad and remember all these things that have happened, when do you miss Akif the most?

There are a few times in a day basically. I wake up everyday and the first 5 minutes of waking up, I feel this amazing void and realise that something in my life is missing. But as soon as I am fully awake I am okay. It is just the moment just before that, the few minutes before consciousness sets in, that is the worst. Airiel makes a point of waking me up with a kiss every day and he makes me feel so much better. Thank you Allah for letting him be present in my life.

And then whenever I drive. Yupp, we Malaysians spend so much time on the road kan? Whenever I drive alone my mind just drifts. I dread driving these days. I am reminded of how I drove myself bleeding to the hospital with Nenda and Airiel on her lap, crying. Things like that, you just can't forget. Sigh

And lastly, those moments before I drift to sleep. Always the hardest. Always...

I hope I have answered her questions. She recently lost her twin brother and was finding it hard to cope. No one seemed to understand her grief. I am so sorry for your loss...

Happy Friday and have a good weekend readers. Wish me luck for my marathon this Sunday!!

The Clock is Ticking..

For the life of me I am bad in maths.

I can't count to save my life. Maybe that explains my current profession.

But there is an automatic clock, calculator in my head. For instance I know for a fact without counting that Akif passed away exactly 220 days ago. Just like that. Isn't that the weirdest thing?

I remember almost photographically what happened on the day he died. What I ate for breakfast that day. (Actually I did not eat, I drank tea). What I was wearing when I drove to the hospital. That Nenda was crying with Airiel on his lap. What I was chatting about with the nurses in my room. Akif on a monitor. Doctors coming in and out. Younger doctors fascinated by Akif's condition asking me all sorts of questions (you can obviously tell by now what he suffered from is very rare).

Me being transferred on to a bed, wheeled to the operating room. They stopped by in front to let me see Nenda and Airiel. Nenda still crying. Me talking to Akif about fighting to the end before being wheeled in. Feeling his final kick.The operation, the doctors taking Akif away.

Me shivering in the recovery room. Pediatricians holding my hand telling me they are doing everything they can to save Akif. That Akif is a strong little fighter. That kind lady doctor pediatrician holding my hand as she told me Akif did not make it. Bonda coming in asking me about funeral arrangements.

Every single detail committed to memory photographically forever in my mind. Etched.

They say you are too painful to remember. But to me, you are just too beautiful to forget.

I miss you very much. Every day. Till we meet again, my little one.

Puisi Nukilan Dayana untuk Ashraf Muslim

Hi readers,

I suppose everyone knows that the Ashraf Muslim (yang ala-ala alim tu y'all) pergi kahwin buat kali kedua di Thailand.

His first wife Dayana was crushed upon finding out after she found his itinerary in his travel bag.

On Dayana's facebook page today, she posted a poem which I will share as it touches my heart:-

"Tak usah bicara tentang payung emas
Kerana
Aku belum layak iktiraf diri sesuci khadijah atau fatimah

Tak usah bicara tentang zuriat
Kerana
Aku bukan Allah...mudah menyebut kun fa ya kun...

Tak usah bicara tentang setia
Kerana
Aku pasti kau tahu aku bukan perempuan jalanan

Tak usah bicara tentang tanggungjwb
Kerana
Aku tahu kau lebih arif tentang itu

Tak usah bicara tentang kesempurnaan
Kerana
Aku terima kekurangan kau kerana Allah

Tak usah bicara tentang dia
Kerana
Aku diasingkan darimu kerana dia

Sucinya aku, kau miliki ketika di Makkah
Hebatnya dia, kau sembunyikan ketika di Thailand..

Berhenti beralasan ini semua jodoh ketentuan Allah...
Kerana satu dunia tahu
Hanya itu lah jawapan mudah utk lepaskan kekhilafan yg disengajakan..."

MasyaAllah, I can feel how her heart is broken....

Ya Allah, help her...help all of us wanita yang teraniaya oleh lelaki lelaki sebegini...

Amin...

Akif's Death - Coping

Hi readers,

Monday Blues...yepp.

Yesterday I took a big step.

I did buy a small amount of clothes for Akif before he was diagnosed with the fatal hydrops that lead to his passing.

At first I left the clothes, neatly wrapped and folded in a plastic bag in my sister's room. I would enter the room and pretend not to see it. Sometimes when I couldn't resist the urge, I would open the bag up and look at the cute clothes that I bought. How hard that was...its like a knife through the heart. Stabbing and stabbing until all the blood had drained, until nothing was left but a hole.

Then I moved the clothes to a spare room and hid it in a cupboard. So it was out of sight. But everytime I entered the room I knew it was there. Hidden away in a cupboard. I was paralysed literally. I did not know what to do with it. I couldn't look at it. But I couldn't throw it away. I couldn't bear the thought of another baby wearing them, because it was meant for MY son. MY Akif. That was how it went for months and months, or if you want to be exact, 163 days now.

Until yesterday, when my mom was asking me whether I had anything to give away to single moms in the areas my dad liked to do charity work and help.

I paused, for a long time...

I knew the clothes were there, I had doubts, my chest felt heavy, my eyes began to water, my lips began to dry up. My knees felt like buckling.

And then I said it...... 'Ibu ambiklah baju arwah Akif bagi kat baby ibu-ibu tunggal tu...'

I said it, and then I actually went to retrieve the clothes, and handed it over to my mum. Shaking...

It was a step. A tough one, but a step.

Ohh Akif, betapa mama rindu padamu...setiap detik, setiap nafas mama.

Moga Tuhan izinkan mama bermain bersama-sama Akif di taman syurga suatu hari nanti, dan moga mama dizinkan kekal didalamnya bersama Akif supaya dapat mama lepaskan rindu mama ini...