Thantophobia

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again..." ~ Suzanne Collins

For some it is a phobia. For Mama it was a reality, angel Akif. Today is your birthday. Today is the day you left Mama and Airiel 4 years ago. Thank you for teaching me how to survive loving and losing. Thank you for the permanent scars on my body I now carry with me everywhere in memory of you. Thank you for hugging and kissing me in my dreams. Thank you for teaching me that love hurts, and that's why it matters. Thank you for making me weak and then making me strong. Mama misses you so much. More than words can say. More than tears can ever convey. May you be blessed kid. Al-Fatihah

My beloved Akif - 3 years on

"This is a love story. I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make people do so many things. I never knew there were so many different ways to say goodbye..." ~ Maggie Stiefvater

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Yesterday, my angel Akif would have been 3, had he been here with me and Airiel.

I share the chronicles of my struggle so that mothers who have lost their child, either due to hydrops or in any other way, know that they are not alone. 

I tell this story so that all mothers know that as mothers you can bleed with all that gaping wound the child you lost have left in his/her wake, but also in that grief and pain you bleed, you can bleed love and grace.

I am much much better 3 years on. Most days I function great. Being busy does really help. And I think its important that as mothers/fathers who are struggling from the loss of their child busy themselves.

It is more of the triggers that usually get to me, like that sofa seat in Dr. Cafe in Citta Mall facing the window where I would always sit at in the mornings (having been away from work for 4 months) counting heartbeats to make sure that Akif was alive for another day. Like that white honda car (Stevie, I call it) which I drove to the hospital with Nenda in the passenger seat and Airiel on her lap, she was crying all the way to the hospital. I sold the car after that, I just couldn't bear the flashbacks. Like that moment, half awake in surgery I knew the doctors took Akif out of me and I could not hear a cry. Like when I see another baby wearing that exact baby shirt I bought for him which I eventually gave away. Like when I accidentally see one of my flowy tops I kept in my closet which I would wear all the time while I was carrying him (3 years on and I still can't bear throwing it out, sigh - will do it soon). Like that moment when Bonda told me that Atok carried Akif on his lap all the way to the cemetery. Like the moment I got discharged from the hospital and they gave me Akif's dead body tag, morgue tag and his post-natal ICU ward tag which they put on him while he was fighting for his life.

The list is endless..

So I will be going about my normal day, and I would see certain things that triggers the memory and everything will play out like a 3D movie screening, and I would be reeling from it. It feels like a stab sometimes, most times like a punch to the chest, where you have all the wind knocked out of you. Yes, pretty much like that.

I do not know the 5 stages of grief, or where I am at with it, or whether I would ever be out of it. I do not know what is normal or considered normal. This is my normal, and I am happy with that. 

I realise that family support is extremely important, but while it helps, only I can deal with my grief and help myself out of it. My family have thankfully and mercifully (I might add), left me alone to deal at the times they know I am not up to being pleasant. Sometimes I forget that while I have lost a son, Bonda has lost her nephew, that Nenda and Atok have lost their grandson, that I suffer yes, but so do they, and they feel a pain which I know not of. 

The recovery is ongoing, but I am thankful for what I do have (on most days).

Deep down in my heart I have a regret that all mothers have, that wish that there was something more they could have done, that maybe if I tried harder, I could have saved him, that maybe if I did something different, things would not turn out the way it did. I am only human, sigh.

Some pain and experiences in our lives dulls us, numbs us. But Akif, he CHANGED me. And I was never the same since.

You made me strong angel child. You made me understand how it feels to yearn for someone, how to fight for something you believe in. You made me understand the power and will within us, and that there are powers which are beyond. You made me understand hope. You made me understand pain and overcome it. You made me understand...

You made me understand love, and how sometimes to love means to let go.

And I love you so. And so I let you go.

Follow Akif's journey here.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

2016 - Bring It!

"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Hello Readers.

My New Year's Resolution for 2016?

THIS.

Let's kick ass, my little Padawan. Mama is with you...always.

Be with us, angel Akif and Aisha. Mama misses you both...

Let's do this readers. We are NOT what has happened to us. Or what was done to us. We are MORE.

Believe it. Live it.

Credits : -  JayismailPhotography (find him on instagram)

Gravity

"I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. And this is one; I'm going to tell it - but take care not to smile at any part of it..." ~ Emily Bronte

In the name of Allah, the Benevolent, the most Merciful.

At the outset, I must say that this post is about Akif and Aisha...

I have not written about them in so long. And I find not writing makes it heavy. The weight of keeping everything inside, its heavy.

I stumbled along this song, and it immediately gave me flashbacks of my angel son and angel daughter. Sometimes, how you feel, words just fall short. And it takes a song, or its melody to express it for you.

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I still feel you here until the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I've never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me because I'm fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

All my fragile strength is gone

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need

Here on the ground

You're neither friend or foe

Though I can't seem to let you go

One thing that I know

Is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me

On to me

On to me

All over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long..

Mama misses you Akif

Ummi misses you Aisha

More than anyone could know or imagine...

Jealous ...

"Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the shadow of a cloud..." ~ Yann Martel

Minute 1:39 - "The lyrics kind of say 'I'm jealous you're happy without me...' and I kind of see it in the sense that I'm jealous that he's now happy in heaven and that he's moved on to a better place and that I can't still be with him..."

Jealous

I'm jealous of the rain

That falls upon your skin

It's closer than my hands have been

I'm jealous of the rain

I'm jealous of the wind

That ripples through your clothes

It's closer than your shadow  

I'm jealous of the wind

Cause I wish you the best of all this world could give

I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive

But I'd always thought you'd come back and you'd tell me

All you found was heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say

I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me

I'm jealous of the nights 

That I don't spend with you

I'm wondering who you lay next to

I'm the jealous of the night

I'm jealous of the love

Love that wasn't here

Gone for someone else to share

I'm jealous of the love

I wished you  the best of all this world could give

I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive

But I'd always thought you'd come back and you'd tell me

All you found was heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say

I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me

As I sing in the sand

Watch you slip through my hands

As I die here another day

Cause all I do is cry behind the smile

I wished you  the best of all this world could give

And I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive

But I'd always thought you'd come back and you'd tell me

All you found was heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say

I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me

 Mama misses you very much kids...

Have a good week ahead everybody.

Much love from me and Airiel.

Peace and love to everyone.

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places..." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Hello readers.

An update about Akif, well sort of.

The picture below Airiel asked me to take. This was Sunday.

When I asked him why. He says that he wants to look at it whenever he thinks of his brother.

Sigh

 What is in that head and heart of yours little one?

Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way

All that you rely on

And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning

Will find you in the day

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

You're all I taste 

At night

Inside of my mind

You run away

Because I am not what you found

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

Everything will change

Nothing stays the same

Nobody is perfect

But everyone is to blame

All that you rely on

And all that you can say

Will leave you in the morning

And find you in the day

Everything is dark

It's more than you can take

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining

Shining down on your face

Your face

You're in my veins

And I cannot get you out

I cannot get you out

In my veins ~ Noah and Allie

"Me : Why do you want to see Akif?

Airiel : I miss my brother

*Silence*

Airiel : Do you miss him too?

Me : I miss him too sayang. I miss him too"

Verily, with hardship there is relief.

And yet only love can hurt like this.

Have a good week ahead readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Turn I Cannot Seem to Make

"There's a moment when love makes you believe in death for the first time. You recognise the ones whose loss, even contemplated, you'll carry forever, like a sleeping child. All grief, anyone's grief... is the weight of a sleeping child..." ~ Anne Micheals

Ever since February, 2nd 2015. I have not been able to go back.

There are days when I go to work or come back from work and I will tell myself  'Today, I'll go visit him. Today I am strong enough...'. And then as I near that fork in the road that would lead to where he is, I just can't seem to go into the junction. 

My brain freezes, my hands sweat, my stomach churns, my vision blurs. My heart...it just breaks. And I drive on. Always looking at that junction from my rear-view mirror as it fades away.

I can't do it. I just can't do it.

And then, I will spend the rest of the day asking myself 'What is wrong with me? I used to be able to do this, easy peasy. It's nothing more than a grave..'. And I will miss him for the rest of  the day. An ache that never dulls.

I was always kidding myself. It never was easy to go there. But these days, it just seems so much harder.

It's like I am damned if I go, and I am damned if I don't.

2 years on and yet the struggle is ever present.

The struggle for sanity. To overcome grief. To function normally.

It is a daily battle. As a mother who has lost a child, it is a daily battle.

I miss him so very much. Some days, more than I can bear it. 

It brings me to my knees, knocks out the strength in me.

Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia.

I will never forget the moment his heart stopped, and mine kept on beating.

 

See You Again

"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now..?" ~ Douglas Adams

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Who knew

All the planes we flew

Good things we've been through

That I'd be standing right here talking to you

About another path

I know we love to hit the road and laugh

But something told me that it wouldn't last

Had to switch up

Look at things different

See the bigger picture

Those were the days

Hard work forever pays

Now I see you in a better place

How can we not talk about family

When family is all that we got

Everything I went through

You were standing there by my side

And now you're going to be with me for the last ride

First you both go out your way

And the vibe is feeling strong

And what's small turned to a friendship

A friendship turned into a bond

And that bond will never be broken 

And the love will never get lost

And when brotherhood come first

Then the line will never be crossed

Established it on our own

When that line had to be drawn

And that line is what we reached

So remember me when I'm gone

So let the light guide your way

Hold every memory as you go

And every road you take

Will always lead you home

Home

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Mama misses you angel Akif.

Umi misses you angel Aisha.

Putting one foot in front of the other now.

Some days are long. Too long.

One day if I ever see you again, I'll tell you all about it.

Bangkitlah Matahari

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead" ~ Louisa May Alcott

Matahari bangunlah

Indahkan hari ini

Bagi kami terus melayari hidup kami

Matahari bangkitlah

Indahkan hari ini

Bagi kami terus menghidupkan cinta kami

Lupakan kisah kisah yang terjadi

Mengharap sinar

Sinaran darimu

2

"Everyone has their weak spot. The one thing that, despite your best efforts, will always bring you to your knees, regardless of how strong you are otherwise..." ~ Sara Dessen

Miss you little one...

I'm weak in the knees for you

But I'll stand if you want me to

My legs are strong and I move on

But my baby I'm weak in the knees

For you...

The Darkness Is Coming...

"Some nights the sky wept stars that quickly floated and disappeared into the darkness before our wishes could meet them" ~ Ishmael Beah

My dearest Akif,

02.02.2013.

On Monday it will be 02.02.2015.

Tick tock tick tock.

You would have been 2 years old.

I know you are in a better better place than I could ever be or hope to see.

I am glad that of all places, that is where you are. 

I have like so many things I have done in my life, let you go.

But like all mothers, I have to say I miss you.

I miss you everyday, but on some days I have to admit it gets unbearable for me. I call them the 'dark days'.

I can feel it angel son. I can feel the darkness coming. 

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't function. The dark days are always that bad. Your big brother Airiel keeps me going. Drags me out of bed. Covers my tears with kisses. Makes me laugh. Keeps me sane. 

What I would give for a hug, for 45 minutes with you, to hear your voice or laugh or something like that. But I know, I am selfish because that is maybe what I think I want, but once I get a taste of that, I would want more. More and more. More and more of you. 

Some things are just not meant to be. 

Nothing else hurts like missing you do. Nothing.

Promise me Akif, that when the day comes....ages and ages from now that you will find me. That is what was promised by the Almighty to me. Find me. 

"Masih terasa nafasmu

Lembut menusuk jiwaku

Tenang dihembus bayu

Membawa khabar rindu

Tapi sulit ku teruskan

Engkau jauh ke hadapan

Aku tabah berjalan

Sembunyikan harapan..."

Takziah QZ8501

"With his revelation... I shattered into a million shards. I felt each piece as it splintered and separated from the whole like a glass I had broken the day before. Debris flew everywhere. It left me without any option but to pick each broken pieces up, analyze it, and find out where it belonged. I had to find out where I belonged" ~ T.R Graves

I know grief

I know death

I know loss

It haunts my dreams, my nights. Almost 3 years ago and committed to memory.

I wake up crying most nights, with the same dream of how that kind lady doctor held my hand in that surgery recovery room while I was covered with a shiny metal blanket over me and told me my SON had died. That he had lost his fight. I was alone. ALONE. Always alone.

And that I was shivering with cold. It haunts. It plunders. Eating away at my soul. Some days I tether on the edge of insanity. Some days are bearable. Rindu ingin berjumpa anak yg dicinta lebih dari nyawa. Sesungguhnya rindu itu menyeksa jiwa.

Gone.

My condolences to all the families of those lost in Flight QZ5801. The grief unimaginable. The pain unbearable. 

May you be granted courage to face what none should.

May those lost be blessed.

It is a trying year indeed.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Bye Bye

"She leaned down and looked at his lifeless face and Leisel kissed her best friend, Rudy Steiner, soft and true on his lips. He tasted dusty and sweet. He tasted like regret in the shadows of trees and in the glow of the anarchist's suit collection. She kissed him long and soft, and when she pulled herself away, she touched his mouth with his fingers...She did not say goodbye. She was incapable, and after a few more minutes at his side, she was able to tear herself from the ground. It amazes me what humans can do, even when streams are flowing down their faces and they stagger on...." ~ Markus Zusak 

Hello everyone,

It is a Monday.

I miss Akif today. For the longest time I could not even bear to listen to that song by Mariah Carey, Bye bye. Familiar with it?

Yesterday I accidentally heard a remix of the song with Mariah Carey and Jay Z.

I just cried and cried when I heard it.

Right THERE. At the heart. Stab, stab, stab.

Some of the beginning parts of the remix really ... well... you can read it below:-

"I'm wishing the days could go fast

So I can crash

Close my eyes

Try to go to sleep

And bring you back but..

I can't bring you back

(No, can't bring you back)

...Wish time could freeze

But our time is up

And I promise you

I am going to hold it down until it is my time to leave

And I am okay

I mean I am alright, I am not okay

And it hurts my soul

I won't see your face

But if you truly are in a better place

Like what they say

Then that's okay

I'll be alright..."

I never knew that I could hurt like this... but I will be alright.

I miss you, angel son.

Have a good week ahead everyone.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Seumur Hidupku...

"You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. 

Language buries, but does not resurrect..." ~ John Green

Dengarkan bisikan kalbuku

Sungguh besar mencintaimu

Rasakan

Rasakan rinduku yang dalam sedalam samudera

Mencintaimu

Menyayangimu

Merindukanmu seumur hidupku

Tuhan kuatkanlah hati ini

Saat dia tinggalkan diriku sendiri

Walau pedih ini sungguh perit

Akan ku relakan 

Asalkan dia bahagia

[Bisikan Rinduku - Dayang Nurfaizah]

Mama tahu Akif di tempat yang lebih baik.

Alhamdulillah. Berbahagialah di sana, anak syurga Mama.

Promise me when the time comes Akif, carilah Mama di sana.

Itu janji Yang Maha Esa pada insan-insan seperti Mama. Bahawa anak anak syurga kami akan menangis apabila tidak berjumpa ibu bapa mereka dan meminta agar dipertemukan, dan disitu kami akan kekal bersama anak anak syurga kami.

Itu pendorong hidup Mama, putting one foot in front of the other every day. Towards you. YOU.

I love you son.

Then, Now, Forevermore.

Aidiladha - From now onwards

"I try to live life so that I can live with myself" - John Green

Reminiscing a year or 2 ago, I would never have thought that my life would turn out the way it did. What was Aidiladha to me 2 years ago? Honestly I cannot remember much of the past. 

But it was mostly filled with laughter, with family. I would always dress Airiel up for raya. There would have been a picture taken of my little family. That was the routine. That was the norm.

With Akif's passing, I have a new routine every raya. A new norm. A new normal. I must visit him the first day of Raya, be it Aidilfitri or Aidiladha. I do not have Airiel with me for most festive seasons and I am happy he goes back to his kampung in Kelantan as he would have the company of his cousins. But I miss him terribly, not used to not having him around me even for a day. 

The graveyard was packed to the brim today. Business was booming as people were selling flowers, water, even umbrellas. 

I do not feel as lonely when I visit Akif during festive season as I would see other parents visit their angel children. They are like me. I am not alone. And neither are they. They hurt as much as I do. Their tears flow just like mine. As they walk away, they would pause, turn their head around and give one last look at the graveyard specially reserved for children, forlorn, with longing, holding back the tears. It gives me an idea of how I must look like when I do exactly the same every week.

Will it ever get easier I wonder?

Sabda Rasullulah ketika mengalirkan airmata setelah kematian anaknya, Ibrahim - "Sesungguhnya mata itu menangis, hati pula bersedih, kami tidak mengatakan kecuali apa yang diredhakan oleh Tuhan kami, dan kami semua disebabkan perpisahan dengan kamu ini, Ya Ibrahim (anak Nabi SAW) teramatlah sedih” (HSR Bukhari No. Hadis 1220) ‪#‎inmemoryofakif‬

I don't know the answer to whether it would get easier.

I hope it would.

Salam Aidiladha readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Darker Days...

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk" ~ Stephanie Meyer

Hello Readers,

It is a Monday.

I must state from the very outset that this post is about Akif.

I have shared with you Akif's story from the moment I found out about his hydrops until the day he took his last breath.

I have shared with you how I have faced the days since I buried him.

There are okay days. There are dark days. And then there are days where I cannot see the light at all. The darkest I call them.

Last week was one such week.

There is always a trigger for things turning darkest I find.

For last week, it was this.

Airiel woke up last week with an obsession. He wanted to see his little brother. I relented after the 37th time he pestered me (Yes, I counted because I am anal like that).

So I brought him.

It amazed me to no end to see how grown up and mature he acted. He amin all the prayers I recited. He insisted that he pour the water over his little brother's grave. He helped me pull out all the weeds. He was talking to his little brother. He brought along his current favourite toy at that moment (because it changes pretty much every week). A bat mobile which he 'showed' Akif.

And then he said something which astounded me and killed me at the same time. He said 'I hope you have better toys in heaven brother, we cannot play together'.

It felt like a samurai sword had just sliced me in half and then chopped my heart into little pieces. And then it felt like someone tried to force feed me the chopped little pieces of my own heart.

He was pleased with himself that he visited.

I was okay initally. The grief of it only kicked in a few days later. When I realised how messed up things are.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be having a conversation with his brother at his brother's grave.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be facing this when he is only 5 years old.

How messed up it was for me to watch my son grow up too fast. How I could not protect him.

How I could not protect Akif. How I could not save him.

How messed up things are.

How its just so messed up.

And I know Akif is in heaven, and he visits me in my dreams. How it is a much better place to be. No pain, no suffering. Things are all beautiful and peaceful.

But in those days when the darkness consumes me, I do not want Akif to be in heaven. I want him to be here with me.

I do not want Akif to be in a better place. I want him to be here with me.

I don't want to settle for seeing Akif in my dreams. I want him to be here with me.

Screw the beautiful, peaceful place. I want him here with me, with Airiel.

I want him with me and everything else can be damned.

I am such a human. So flawed, so greedy, so damaged.

I am so damned, blessed. Depending on whichever way you look at it.

Let this darkness pass, like everything else.

My dearest Almighty, janganlah Kau sesatkan cintaku.

Mama rindu Akif.

Rindu.

Too beautiful too forget...

"You don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope" ~ Suzanne Collins

My dearest Akif,

It is Ramadhan.

The month of fasting.

The month of giving.

The month of compassion.

The month of forgiveness.

For Mama, it is the month where I will see you every night without fail.

You are always dressed in green. Always smiling. Sitting on my lap. Hugging my neck.

How I cannot wait to close my eyes every night so we can meet.

How real it feels, being there with you.

Until it is time for you to leave. And I struggle to let go of your hand before you go back to where you belong. 

And you look at me smiling. And I muster up every single fibre of my being, strength and courage to smile back before you disappear. And my heart breaks, even in my dreams. I crumble.

And another day has begun.

I found the love that I knew I would miss.

I miss you little one. 

Thank you Almighty for giving me a chance to see my son. Thank you.

A Mother I am...

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without" - Jodi Picoult

Mama misses you Airiel, angel Akif, angel Aisha...Mama loves you more than Mama can describe...

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers out there...

May we be blessed...

A Beautiful Dream...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and its enough to break your heart..." ~ Nicholas Sparks

My dearest Akif,

Humans, unless they are gifted do not usually remember their dreams. I never do either. But for some reason, every single visit from you in my dreams are committed into memory.

Last week was a special week yes, because in my dreams you spoke.

Every dream is always almost the same. I am outside. I do not know what is inside, or where inside is, only that I am not allowed in. You are dressed in green. Your clothes made of marble almost, but fluid. It is hard to describe my surroundings, because it is unlike anything I have ever seen on Earth.

You come outside and sit on my lap, wrap your arms around my neck. And we stay like that until it is time for you to go back.

But this time, you put your hands on my heart and smiled and said 'Alhamdulillah, you have forgiven, your heart is clean'. When I look back at that moment, I am reminded of your brother Airiel and how he did the same to me.

'My heart for you Mama' ~ Airiel

MasyaAllah. Both of you are indeed gifts bestowed upon me by the Almighty.

I smiled and nodded and said 'Yes son, I have'. And you kissed my forehead. I asked you 'Will we be together one day?'. You do not answer but you smiled.

I held your face in my hands and said 'Promise me, when the time comes you'll come and find me Akif, find me...' and you smiled.

And it was time for you to go.

That is how it always is Akif.

Seeing you in my sleep. Never to touch and never to keep.

I woke up crying. Crying in my sleep. 

Tears of relief, tears of happiness, tears from missing you. How I will miss you for the rest of my life, son.

And yet thank you for telling me what I already knew.

That I am at peace, that I am happy, that I am free.

I love you.

Then, Now, Forevermore.

This is who I am. And I am your mother.

Thank you Allah.

Where You Are...

"One day we will breathe together once again, and you will be smiling back at me....Only then will I be free...when I can be where you are.." 

Dark days for us all, for Malaysia.

Yesterday was Akif day as well.

Sigh, dark. Very dark. 

But Airiel was super cheery happy to see me when I came home and lifted my spirits immediately. He was waiting for me the ENTIRE day he said. Look at him!!!

Candle in the dark. This one. How does he make so happy? Tak paham hehe.

Akif, one day when I see you, when you smile back at me... that is the day that I know I will be truly free.

I will touch you one sweet day.

Sigh.

Okay readers. Foodie posts and online shopping posts to come. I promise!! Sorry about the lag. It just seems to insignificant considering the tragedy the nation is facing.

Sigh.

Huggs.

Peace and love to everyone.