Friday, September 30, 2011

Hanging On When Your Heart Has Had Enough...

Had a domestic in respect of balancing my work and my duties as a mother. It is amazing how I feel like crap when anybody makes a comment about me being absent in Airiel's life.

I have written about how this issue has bugged me in my previous posts.

I honestly cannot try and keep juggling everything. This is my work, it is my calling, it is my passion..
But I have always put Airiel first. He is always my priority. I think about him all the time at work. Like that Bruno Mars' song. I would jump in front of a train for him, I would put my hand on a blade for him and I would die for him. No question about it.

What else must I do? I keep this blog and post about these things in the hope that in the future, Airiel and my other kids can read this and understand how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning and leave them to go to work. I hope they can understand that when they are sick, I pray to God with tears running down my face to ask that I be sick instead. I cannot even see Airiel get injected...I just burst into tears.

I listen to this song... and I just cry...

In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be in daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I found reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

When she wraps her hand around my fingers
It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realise what life is all about
Its hanging on when your heart has had enough
Its giving more when you feel like giving up
I have seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I'll hope she'll see
How happy she made me
I'll be there in my daughter's eyes

My love is not qualified, it is absolute. It is a love which is beyond my own comprehension or understanding, a love that overwhelms me at times.

I have never been so scared of losing someone as much as the fear I have of losing Airiel. I have never been so terrified of not being able to be there for someone as I do for him. I have never been so committed to anything in my life.

Airiel, if you ever get to read this. Please know that Mama loves you very much. Loves you more than anything. Loves you more than her own life. There is not a day that goes by that Mama does not feel sorry and bad for leaving you and going to work. There is not a day that goes by without Mama feeling like she wants to give this all up and spend every possible second with you.


Mama thinks about being with you ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

If you read this, Mama wants you to know this. Remember this Airiel.

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