Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Spade is A Spade after all...

I have to admit, Raya celebrations are fun only for the kids, and you feel a sense of enjoyment because you see how much your kids enjoy Raya.

My son had fun putting on a Baju Melayu which matches Aries to a T.

My son had fun playing with his cousins at the in laws...

My son was so excited to get duit raya, he would be saying, 'nak duit' to me and Aries...aduyai.

But honestly, holidays are stressful for me.

I hate going back to my grandma's house. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and miss her a lot, but everytime I go back, I wince when I see that:-

1. There is absolutely no food in her house, by NO food I mean NO beras, NO belacan, NO ikan, NO Ayam, NO Daging, NO telur, NO cili, NO kuih raya, NO basic necessities for my Grandma to eat, to sustain herself. NO NOTHING. If it was you, would tears not well up in your eyes? I shake my head and beristighfar and wonder, apa dosa nenekku sampai macamni layanan anak anaknya padanya?

2. I don't like to bear witness to the fact that she has to recycle her own diapers, by that I mean, re-wearing already soiled ones... I can hear my own heart break into a million pieces and I struggle to understand why these things never cross my grandmother's children minds? Apa jadi dengan duit yang dimasukkan ayah ke akaun opah setiap bulan? Mana pergi duit itu? Siapa yang makan duit tu?

3. I hate seeing my father sitting in a corner, tears in his eyes looking at his mother, with a defeated look on his face. Like he cannot do more than what he has already done to take care of his mother. I know he wants to take my grandmother back to KL, but the last time we did that, my crazy aunt came to my house while we were at work and had a crazy fit in front of my lupakan jelah kan.

4. I hate the fact that when me and my sister work overtime and set aside money to buy groceries for my grandmother every month, my CRAZY aunt goes on her usual crazy rampage and says cynical things like 'Biarlah diorg beli semuanya, bukan diorg banyak duit ke? Sorang doktor, sorang loyer...'. I mean WTF? Apala nasib malang opah aku dapat anak mcmni? For your information crazy aunt 'Kami tak banyak duit, tapi kami murah rezeki sebab kami tak pernah kedekut dengan org, kami taat kepada ibubapa dan suami kami dan cuba untuk menggembirakan mereka dan kami sanggup berpuasa jika tiada duit selepas membeli keperluan opah dari duit kami sendiri, ko tuh apa ada selain mulut celupar kau?' . That is the reality... and  I think to myself, patutla duit mereka-mereka ini tak pernah cukup, rezeki pun ciput, sbb dengan mak sendiri pon berkira duit. Apalah guna sembahyang tunggang tonggek, berulang ke masjid, beri ceramah dengan kopiah meninggi dan tudung melabuh, sekiranya mak sendiri tiada benda nak makan kat rumah...?

4. I hate the fact that I am bound by cultures and norms of this society to speak out against my grandmother's children simply because they are older. That is why... as much as possible, I try not to meet them. I cannot look at them in the eye with anything less than disdain. I saw through their facade of kopiahs and tudung labuh a long time ago, bila my crazy aunt fitnah ibu dan bapaku kata mereka tak jemputnya ke kenduri kahwin aku, padahal she was the first one to get the invite which my parents sent by hand!!!, bila my uncles believed her in toto and sidelined my father, bila one of my uncles had the audacity to message my father and my sister saying that my akad nikah tak sah, whilst I was on honeymoon consummating my marriage! Mala Fide ini semua!!! If he really thought so, kenapa lepas akad nikah tak terus bgtahu views dia sbg seorang ustaz tersohor? Kenapa nak tunggu 2, 3 hari selepas itu? What is he implying? That my son is a bastard??? Clearly older does not mean better, nor wiser!

Ini memang membuka pekung di dada, but this issue has been tearing at my soul for some years now, and I need to bury the skeletons in my closet before it consumes me. This shall be the last time I shall write about this. It is time to let things go and move on. I have always harboured the belief that people can change for the better and it is fair to give them chances, but over the years I have learned that sometimes you have to realise and know people for who they really are. A spade is a spade after all kan?

To me, balik ke kedua-dua kampung, rasa sayu dan insaf di jiwa. I pray that when I am old, I am not treated the way my grandmother has been treated. I pray that Aries does not repeat the mistakes of his father.  I hope to make both my inlaws and parents happy. Dan juga melakukan apa yang termampu untuk opah. Berbakti kepada mereka selagi termampu dan ada nyawa. InsyaAllah.

Right now telah memasang niat dan tekad to kumpul duit for the following things next year. InsyaAllah dengan memasang niat, Allah akan murahkan rezeki:-

1. To enlarge rumah in-laws supaya lebih selesa ketika berkumpul; and
2. To buy mum's dream car for her and my dad as a gift.


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