Hanging On When Your Heart Has Had Enough...

Had a domestic in respect of balancing my work and my duties as a mother. It is amazing how I feel like crap when anybody makes a comment about me being absent in Airiel's life.

I have written about how this issue has bugged me in my previous posts.

I honestly cannot try and keep juggling everything. This is my work, it is my calling, it is my passion..
But I have always put Airiel first. He is always my priority. I think about him all the time at work. Like that Bruno Mars' song. I would jump in front of a train for him, I would put my hand on a blade for him and I would die for him. No question about it.

What else must I do? I keep this blog and post about these things in the hope that in the future, Airiel and my other kids can read this and understand how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning and leave them to go to work. I hope they can understand that when they are sick, I pray to God with tears running down my face to ask that I be sick instead. I cannot even see Airiel get injected...I just burst into tears.

I listen to this song... and I just cry...

In My Daughter's Eyes


In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be in daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I found reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

When she wraps her hand around my fingers
It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realise what life is all about
Its hanging on when your heart has had enough
Its giving more when you feel like giving up
I have seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I'll hope she'll see
How happy she made me
I'll be there in my daughter's eyes

My love is not qualified, it is absolute. It is a love which is beyond my own comprehension or understanding, a love that overwhelms me at times.

I have never been so scared of losing someone as much as the fear I have of losing Airiel. I have never been so terrified of not being able to be there for someone as I do for him. I have never been so committed to anything in my life.

Airiel, if you ever get to read this. Please know that Mama loves you very much. Loves you more than anything. Loves you more than her own life. There is not a day that goes by that Mama does not feel sorry and bad for leaving you and going to work. There is not a day that goes by without Mama feeling like she wants to give this all up and spend every possible second with you.

NOT EVEN ONE DAY.

Mama thinks about being with you ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

If you read this, Mama wants you to know this. Remember this Airiel.

Changes

A lot of changes... and it is inevitable perhaps...

I've gone from 3G to 4G...its super fast and I'm super happy

After receiving my shelves (bukan senang nak dapat shelves here tau....) for my room, had a shopping trip to Ikea to make tidy things up...ain't the green white combo great?

Changes have been positive so far...more positive things to come InsyaAllah.

Sims 3 Crazy

Hello, its a new week already here in Malaysia.

Airiel is getting much better after taking some furious medication by the dermatologist. Another checkup is due this Saturday, so I hope by then the spots will be eliminated completely . If it isn't, they have to take Airiel's blood for further tests, and I hate seeing Airiel being poked.

Anyways, Bonda went and bought me a Sims 3 game for mac and I am hooked. I love the custom content installer that comes with the game by EA:-

This is different from sims 2 where you have to download installers made by fans of custom content. Coolness!

Sims 3 allows for sims to drive their own cars! Hehehe...

My fave website for free downloads of custom content for the sims 3 is The Sims Resource. I mean look at the endless options in so far as custom content is concerned below:-

And what's even better, it comes in either a sims3pak file or zip file and not .package files which are easier to install.

I am a happy camper...and I am currently looking for the expansions and add ons of course (anybody willing to sell it to me cheap? hehe or better still free? ehhehe).

Now, the question that remains is how the heck am I going to juggle working 10 hour days, being a Mom, a wife and a gamer too? Hmmmn, we will see....

I have happily found my dream whiteboard for the office!!!

How cute is this? I got it from Harvey Norman and Aries bayarkan (thanks hunny!!!)

It's funny how the smallest things make you happy kan?

Have a great week everyone!!

Luluh Hati Seorang Ibu

Airiel is sick...

I came home today and saw how bad it was and I cried the moment I saw him...and I cried and I cried...and I'm still crying...

I thought it was a normal rash at first, or some kind of infection skit sebab garu tempat gigit nyamuk ke..but looking at him today I know something is terribly wrong.

I have an appointment with a skin specialist at 9.00 am tomorrow. I cannot stand seeing him injected, poked at...it upsets me greatly.. Thank God Bonda and Nenda will be with me. Thank you both of you... you are my ROCK.

I hope everything goes alright tomorrow. Pray for me and Airiel readers! Thank you

Nasi Lemak Idaman Kalbu

I have blogged about my fave nasi lemak place here

Hehe, had a chance to go there again when I had a matter in Shah Alam 2 days back

The Paru paru cili padi is to DIE for!!!

I love you nasi lemak!!!

Indeed...

"It is those we live with and love and should know who 

elude us."- Norman Maclean

And I look back on how relationships in my life has changed throughout the years.

Falling out and sugar coating with 'those who cannot be named or referred to in this blog'

Meddling by other people or as the org putih would call 'fire stone' that burns bridges by default.

Drifting away and away with those who used to matter...

Being betrayed and betrayed .... and betrayed and forgiving and forgiving .... and forgiving and learning 

to trust once more...

Getting a loved one into trouble...

And I realised...

It is those who we respect the most who fall below our expectations 

It is those we trust the most who ends up betraying us

And it is those who we love the most who ends up inflicting the worst pain in our lives

The quote above is very true... for in our need to idolise, love and trust someone, we want to believe that 

they can do no wrong, that they are everything that we expect them and want them to be and over and 

above everything else, we want to believe that everything will be alright in the end...


The reverse is also true...and I have at times hurt and disappointed those who I love and respect the most...

The truth is often not what we perceive it to be...but at times like this, I would read another quote to 

make sense of it all...

“The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns.” - George Santayana

Things happen for a reason and every laughter, tear shed, heart broken, bridge burned has made me 

who I am today. I may not be whole... but I am complete.

Terima Kasih Allah atas segalanya...

  

House of Kebab, Solaris Dutamas

Hi,

Another foodie update.

A lot of eateries opening up at the office and on one of the days me and a colleague decided to go to House of Kebab.

I love middle eastern food!

The Menu

 The Salad, loved the olives! However, after a couple of bites, the sharpness of the salad dressing was a bit too much for my tongue

This was what I ordered, lamb and chicken kebab with rice. As you can see, the portions were quite huge. I loved the lamb, but the chicken tasted quite bland honestly

This was the gravy that came with the set. It has a tangy flavour which complimented the lamb really well 

My colleague ordered garlic yogurt... yummy! 

This was what my colleague ordered, lamb kebabs with rice. 

House of Kebab is located at G4, at the very end of the road leading down to G3, it has a great view of the Wilayah Persekutuan mosque and has shisha's for those who like them.

I love the food and will definitely go again!!

SKII update (3)

Hi guys!!

A reader has apparently followed my journey with SKII and has asked me to post an update. Okies, so here goes.

Almost a year since I have started using SKII, there are definite changes to my skin.

This is me without compact powder, liquid foundation or the like today. This is my face 'bare'.

From the flaky complexion which I used to have, this is what I have now. No flakes in sight. Previous products I used would irritate my skin, making it red but SKII seems to not have such an effect at all!!.

I used to wear night creams from other brands only to wake up with extremely oily skin, and when I wash it off, my skin then flakes because the cleanser is too strong. I think my skin is still extremely sensitive to cleansers, but I have found the perfect cleanser for me so far, and this is the only non-SKII product I use in my skincare regiment:-

Cheap and so effective!! SKII does of course have its oil cleanser, but I still prefer this one because of the price point plus!!

I am a happy and satisfied SKII user!

If you have any questions regarding my experience with SKII please do not hesitate to leave a comment here or e-mail me. I am more than happy to share my experience. Everybody is entitled to good, healthy skin!!

Happy Birthday Bonda!!!

This post is a bit late but I've my 5th vertigo attack this year so had to lie down today.

Malaysia day is also Bonda's birthday!!!

Happy Birthday BONDA!!!

Yehaaaa!

Photograph session with Airiel

Airiel loves to pose these days...!

Here's a little collection on pictures we took yesterday together

Tutup mata mode 

Baring pulak 

 Jelir Lidah mode

Look at my feet mama! 

Airiel's foot is about half the size of mine at the moment 

him reaching out for the camera

Heart is melting!!!

A Day in JBC

Was in JBC yesterday for a matter which had a positive outcome. Alhamdulillah.

Anyways, Aries was kind enough to take me on another gastronomic escapade and we had lunch at 6 corner senibong food. Yummms! Let the pics speaks for themselves!:-

Pinggiran Senibong 

Aries' kelapa muda drink 

My 'murky like our rivers' teh ais

Baby Kailan Ikan Masin 

 The Siput Sedut Lemak Cili Api, which is apparently a specialty here. The gravy was delicious but you have to be careful with the siput sedut, some of them were bad. But it really is a matter of luck really, as you can't really tell if the siput is still ok to eat until you taste it

Our usual telur dadar 

And sambal that was more sweet than spicy but complimented the dishes well

Thanks Aries!!! More food next time ok?

Hehehehe

Chilli's, Citta Mall

A new community mall is open in Ara Damansara!

Can you imagine how ecstatic our family is, as this makes everything so convenient!!!

We dropped by yesterday for a late lunch at Chillis.

Aries had the huge ribs...!!! which if course he could not finish at the end of the meal 

 I had the ceaser salad, with the lime grilled shrimp as an add on. This was a sore point for me... i mean ...there were barely 4 or 5 shrimps in the whole salad, and from 19 bucks to almost 30 bucks for the add on, I was not happy. Other than that, the salad was nice

We strangely received our main courses before our starters. Apparently the staff forgot our order..and whats worse, when we could not finish them, we could not pack them to take away home! 20 for that and we could not take it home...Sigh..

There are definite hiccups in the service, but overall everyone was friendly. The place is new so it would naturally take time. The following shops are already open or in the midst of opening in Citta Mall:-

1. Chawan;

2. Meatworks;

3. Wondermilk Cupcakes;

4. Papparich;

5. Shojikiya;

6. Bacci;

7. Subway; 

8. Bubba Gump;

9. Rakuzen.

Can't wait for the rest to open!!!

Yessshhhhh

Memories during raya

Ok, malas lagi nak berkabung... life goes on. I am thinking of making the blog private for perhaps a year...we'll see how it goes.

Our family tak byk pon tangkap gambar during raya and I forgot my camcorder..(blehtak?)

The only pics taken were these...

Fun fun fun it was!

My grief

For friends who have known me long enough, they would know how much this blog has helped me in retaining my sanity.

I love sharing my days, my happiness, my sadness, my online shopping experience with friends and foe's alike. I take criticism in whatever way both my friends and foes would like to dish it, although I must say that I won't take it lying down la kan...

I once resolved to never ever make this blog private...and was once talked out of it by a friend when i did go down that line after a misunderstanding...

But I supposed, one of my posts titled 'A Spade is a Spade After All' pushed the mark too far and I offended the relatives in my posts who then attacked my dad, saying things like me being 'biadap' and that he 'tak pandai ajar anak'.

I do not regret writing what I wrote, because it was all true. But I do regret being too harsh in the language used... resulting in my dad getting all these demeaning smses from my uncles. Like that post which I wrote, the family crisis between my family and the rest of my uncles have been long ongoing because of my aunt. But now, I have just made it worse... 

They say 'Mentang-mentang le dah keje besar...' and I reflect and think, could what they say be true?

I have always been brought up to tell the truth, address issues and bring it out in the open and resolve it, and my dad had always told me to do it without fear and favour... does that make me biadap? Honestly, I dont know... 

Today was an especially difficult day for me... I feel lost, like the very principles which I have steadfastly held on to holds no meaning when it comes to my relatives...

I feel lost because I have gotten my father, the nicest man on earth... into trouble.

I feel lost because with a heavy heart, I had to make a decision to make this blog private so I can continue to keep this sacred space of mine ...well... mine. 

What's worse is...those relatives are now emphasising on HOW I wrote the post, instead of WHAT I wrote..and I have a sinking feeling that things will not get better for my grandmother at all, because the issue of whether she is well taken care off is NOT as interesting or as juicy for them compared to the issue of how rude and biadap I was..

I realise that my youth and foolish belief in thinking that I can change the world has done nothing more than hurt those that I love the most...

The grief grips me...

I am inconsolable at the moment.

Ayah, maafkan anakmu ini...

Hiding My Heart

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
He blew me away
Blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow
And too my pain
And buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappeared in a daze
So i spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Dropped off you of at the airport
Put a kiss on top of your forehead
Watched you walk away
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers and neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You disappeared in a daze

So i spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Woke up feeling heavy hearted

Im ging back to where i started

The morning rain... the morning rain

Though I wish you were here 

On the same old road that brought me here

Its calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I've ever known

You disappeared in a daze

So i spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away...

Takziah

Due to the overwhelming response surrounding my previous post, I have removed that post. My poor dad, he has nothing to do with this as this was my view on the matter from what I have seen and experienced, and he has always taught to me tell the truth, no matter how much it may hurt.

The post maybe harsh, but not a single lie was told inside it and the contents therein are all facts. They are all true.

So sorry for stating the obvious.

It is time to move on to more pressing matters.

Takziah buat keluarga Kak Marina atas pemergian anak lelaki keduanya, Mohammad Fariq Ilham.

Somoga Kak Marina dan keluarga tabah menghadapi ujian Allah ini. I cannot imagine how she feels and will not say I will try to understand.

Al-fatihah buat arwah baby Fariq Ilham.

A Spade is A Spade after all...

I have to admit, Raya celebrations are fun only for the kids, and you feel a sense of enjoyment because you see how much your kids enjoy Raya.

My son had fun putting on a Baju Melayu which matches Aries to a T.

My son had fun playing with his cousins at the in laws...

My son was so excited to get duit raya, he would be saying, 'nak duit' to me and Aries...aduyai.

But honestly, holidays are stressful for me.

I hate going back to my grandma's house. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and miss her a lot, but everytime I go back, I wince when I see that:-

1. There is absolutely no food in her house, by NO food I mean NO beras, NO belacan, NO ikan, NO Ayam, NO Daging, NO telur, NO cili, NO kuih raya, NO basic necessities for my Grandma to eat, to sustain herself. NO NOTHING. If it was you, would tears not well up in your eyes? I shake my head and beristighfar and wonder, apa dosa nenekku sampai macamni layanan anak anaknya padanya?

2. I don't like to bear witness to the fact that she has to recycle her own diapers, by that I mean, re-wearing already soiled ones... I can hear my own heart break into a million pieces and I struggle to understand why these things never cross my grandmother's children minds? Apa jadi dengan duit yang dimasukkan ayah ke akaun opah setiap bulan? Mana pergi duit itu? Siapa yang makan duit tu?

3. I hate seeing my father sitting in a corner, tears in his eyes looking at his mother, with a defeated look on his face. Like he cannot do more than what he has already done to take care of his mother. I know he wants to take my grandmother back to KL, but the last time we did that, my crazy aunt came to my house while we were at work and had a crazy fit in front of my maids..so lupakan jelah kan.

4. I hate the fact that when me and my sister work overtime and set aside money to buy groceries for my grandmother every month, my CRAZY aunt goes on her usual crazy rampage and says cynical things like 'Biarlah diorg beli semuanya, bukan diorg banyak duit ke? Sorang doktor, sorang loyer...'. I mean WTF? Apala nasib malang opah aku dapat anak mcmni? For your information crazy aunt 'Kami tak banyak duit, tapi kami murah rezeki sebab kami tak pernah kedekut dengan org, kami taat kepada ibubapa dan suami kami dan cuba untuk menggembirakan mereka dan kami sanggup berpuasa jika tiada duit selepas membeli keperluan opah dari duit kami sendiri, ko tuh apa ada selain mulut celupar kau?' . That is the reality... and  I think to myself, patutla duit mereka-mereka ini tak pernah cukup, rezeki pun ciput, sbb dengan mak sendiri pon berkira duit. Apalah guna sembahyang tunggang tonggek, berulang ke masjid, beri ceramah dengan kopiah meninggi dan tudung melabuh, sekiranya mak sendiri tiada benda nak makan kat rumah...?

4. I hate the fact that I am bound by cultures and norms of this society to speak out against my grandmother's children simply because they are older. That is why... as much as possible, I try not to meet them. I cannot look at them in the eye with anything less than disdain. I saw through their facade of kopiahs and tudung labuh a long time ago, bila my crazy aunt fitnah ibu dan bapaku kata mereka tak jemputnya ke kenduri kahwin aku, padahal she was the first one to get the invite which my parents sent by hand!!!, bila my uncles believed her in toto and sidelined my father, bila one of my uncles had the audacity to message my father and my sister saying that my akad nikah tak sah, whilst I was on honeymoon consummating my marriage! Mala Fide ini semua!!! If he really thought so, kenapa lepas akad nikah tak terus bgtahu views dia sbg seorang ustaz tersohor? Kenapa nak tunggu 2, 3 hari selepas itu? What is he implying? That my son is a bastard??? Clearly older does not mean better, nor wiser!

Ini memang membuka pekung di dada, but this issue has been tearing at my soul for some years now, and I need to bury the skeletons in my closet before it consumes me. This shall be the last time I shall write about this. It is time to let things go and move on. I have always harboured the belief that people can change for the better and it is fair to give them chances, but over the years I have learned that sometimes you have to realise and know people for who they really are. A spade is a spade after all kan?

To me, balik ke kedua-dua kampung, rasa sayu dan insaf di jiwa. I pray that when I am old, I am not treated the way my grandmother has been treated. I pray that Aries does not repeat the mistakes of his father.  I hope to make both my inlaws and parents happy. Dan juga melakukan apa yang termampu untuk opah. Berbakti kepada mereka selagi termampu dan ada nyawa. InsyaAllah.

Right now telah memasang niat dan tekad to kumpul duit for the following things next year. InsyaAllah dengan memasang niat, Allah akan murahkan rezeki:-

1. To enlarge rumah in-laws supaya lebih selesa ketika berkumpul; and
2. To buy mum's dream car for her and my dad as a gift.

InsyaAllah.