Monday, April 7, 2014

A Beautiful Dream...

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and its enough to break your heart..." ~ Nicholas Sparks

My dearest Akif,

Humans, unless they are gifted do not usually remember their dreams. I never do either. But for some reason, every single visit from you in my dreams are committed into memory.

Last week was a special week yes, because in my dreams you spoke.

Every dream is always almost the same. I am outside. I do not know what is inside, or where inside is, only that I am not allowed in. You are dressed in green. Your clothes made of marble almost, but fluid. It is hard to describe my surroundings, because it is unlike anything I have ever seen on Earth.

You come outside and sit on my lap, wrap your arms around my neck. And we stay like that until it is time for you to go back.

But this time, you put your hands on my heart and smiled and said 'Alhamdulillah, you have forgiven, your heart is clean'. When I look back at that moment, I am reminded of your brother Airiel and how he did the same to me.

'My heart for you Mama' ~ Airiel

MasyaAllah. Both of you are indeed gifts bestowed upon me by the Almighty.

I smiled and nodded and said 'Yes son, I have'. And you kissed my forehead. I asked you 'Will we be together one day?'. You do not answer but you smiled.

I held your face in my hands and said 'Promise me, when the time comes you'll come and find me Akif, find me...' and you smiled.

And it was time for you to go.

That is how it always is Akif.

Seeing you in my sleep. Never to touch and never to keep.

I woke up crying. Crying in my sleep. 

Tears of relief, tears of happiness, tears from missing you. How I will miss you for the rest of my life, son.

And yet thank you for telling me what I already knew.

That I am at peace, that I am happy, that I am free.

I love you.

Then, Now, Forevermore.

This is who I am. And I am your mother.

Thank you Allah.


  1. Im suppose to be studying for my exam but I ended up reading your blog, starting from the list of confinement services (thanks you for that long list!). I hope you stay strong and I pray that Allah give you jannah. May you find real happiness with your angels Akif & Airiel there..

  2. Thank you Anonymous. Amin for your prayers. I hope to see him one day.