Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The Clock is Ticking..

For the life of me I am bad in maths.

I can't count to save my life. Maybe that explains my current profession.

But there is an automatic clock, calculator in my head. For instance I know for a fact without counting that Akif passed away exactly 220 days ago. Just like that. Isn't that the weirdest thing?

I remember almost photographically what happened on the day he died. What I ate for breakfast that day. (Actually I did not eat, I drank tea). What I was wearing when I drove to the hospital. That Nenda was crying with Airiel on his lap. What I was chatting about with the nurses in my room. Akif on a monitor. Doctors coming in and out. Younger doctors fascinated by Akif's condition asking me all sorts of questions (you can obviously tell by now what he suffered from is very rare).

Me being transferred on to a bed, wheeled to the operating room. They stopped by in front to let me see Nenda and Airiel. Nenda still crying. Me talking to Akif about fighting to the end before being wheeled in. Feeling his final kick.The operation, the doctors taking Akif away.

Me shivering in the recovery room. Pediatricians holding my hand telling me they are doing everything they can to save Akif. That Akif is a strong little fighter. That kind lady doctor pediatrician holding my hand as she told me Akif did not make it. Bonda coming in asking me about funeral arrangements.

Every single detail committed to memory photographically forever in my mind. Etched.

They say you are too painful to remember. But to me, you are just too beautiful to forget.

I miss you very much. Every day. Till we meet again, my little one.


  1. This made me tear, Idza.
    I am sure every single little thing is committed to your memory. An expression not many understand, but I sure know how it feels, even if my story is different from yours.
    Etched in our memory, nonetheless. Stay strong, sweets.

  2. Thanks Fara. Onwards and forwards I say. But in the nook of our hearts, a portion always knows what it is we have lost. Hugsss

  3. I'd be lying if i say i understand how much it hurts, coz i don't. But i couldnt imagine how heartbreaking it would be if i were to lose my boys. Stay strong dear and i pray that the coming days will be easier for you & family. *hugs*

  4. yes i agree wif fara, we share different stories, i surely feel ur loss iza. take care of urself at least for airiel and ur family :)

  5. thanks love, its a daily struggle for me..some good days, some bad days...i hope to get a grip on this..

  6. ada hari dana, mmg tak tertahan rasanya pilu.. sob sobmoga tuhan berikan kekuatan