Wednesday, February 19, 2014
"I try to lie but it isn't me..I try to look but I can't see.. I can't stop right now because I'm too far...
and I can't keep going because its too hard..." ~ Flipsyde
This post is for one of my readers. She wants to frame up a picture of her son's grave and put it in her cubicle at her office. People are saying she's going nuts or being inappropriate, things like that. She asked me, should she do it? Is she being weird? She says when she looks at the picture, she feels like he is close to her, but nobody seems to understand that.
But I do...yes, I do.
Tuesday evenings I reserve for Akif these days. Leave the office and see him. Baca Yassin, tell him my updates for the week. Whats happening at work, whats happening with his big brother at school. I ask him hows things are up there. I find graveyards peaceful. Birds chirping, wind blowing, its never too hot or too cold. The uncles that take care of the graveyard, they expect me to come every Tuesday. They know my name, they know Akif's name, what happened to him. They smile and laugh with me, they have cried with me. They keep me company when they see I need it, they give me space when they know I must have it.
You know, its my way of coping. I think when you lose someone permanently in your life, when they die, all you want is to feel close to them. That they are still somehow close and connected to you. And this is my way.
For those who have lost someone, find your own way to cope. It might be strange to others, it might be morbid, it might cause discomfort, ruffle a few feathers. But this is who you are. Your burden to bear. You have to ease it your own way. I never expect people to understand why I do the things I do when it comes to my relationship with Akif. What I experienced with him, only him and I will know.
Kerinduan itu, tiada satupun yang mampu mengertikannya...
I hope this answers your question love.
Much love from me and Airiel.