I have shared with you how I have faced the days since I buried him.
There are okay days. There are dark days. And then there are days where I cannot see the light at all. The darkest I call them.
Last week was one such week.
There is always a trigger for things turning darkest I find.
For last week, it was this.
Airiel woke up last week with an obsession. He wanted to see his little brother. I relented after the 37th time he pestered me (Yes, I counted because I am anal like that).
So I brought him.
It amazed me to no end to see how grown up and mature he acted. He amin all the prayers I recited. He insisted that he pour the water over his little brother's grave. He helped me pull out all the weeds. He was talking to his little brother. He brought along his current favourite toy at that moment (because it changes pretty much every week). A bat mobile which he 'showed' Akif.
And then he said something which astounded me and killed me at the same time. He said 'I hope you have better toys in heaven brother, we cannot play together'.
It felt like a samurai sword had just sliced me in half and then chopped my heart into little pieces. And then it felt like someone tried to force feed me the chopped little pieces of my own heart.
He was pleased with himself that he visited.
I was okay initally. The grief of it only kicked in a few days later. When I realised how messed up things are.
How messed up it was for Airiel to be having a conversation with his brother at his brother's grave.
How messed up it was for Airiel to be facing this when he is only 5 years old.
How messed up it was for me to watch my son grow up too fast. How I could not protect him.
How I could not protect Akif. How I could not save him.
How messed up things are.
How its just so messed up.
And I know Akif is in heaven, and he visits me in my dreams. How it is a much better place to be. No pain, no suffering. Things are all beautiful and peaceful.
But in those days when the darkness consumes me, I do not want Akif to be in heaven. I want him to be here with me.
I do not want Akif to be in a better place. I want him to be here with me.
I don't want to settle for seeing Akif in my dreams. I want him to be here with me.
Screw the beautiful, peaceful place. I want him here with me, with Airiel.
I want him with me and everything else can be damned.
I am such a human. So flawed, so greedy, so damaged.
I am so damned, blessed. Depending on whichever way you look at it.
Let this darkness pass, like everything else.
My dearest Almighty, janganlah Kau sesatkan cintaku.
Mama rindu Akif.