Friday, December 6, 2013


Dearest Akif,

Mama is doing some work at the Dr. Cafe in Citta mall right now. It brings back memories.

Mama used to come here everyday after you were diagnosed in the mornings. Staying at home was unbearable, it made mama think too much. Your brother Airiel was off to school.  Your father had another life, his work somewhere else, Nenda and Bonda off to work. Everybody was gone doing their daily thing...

Mama stopped mama's life for you. The doctors said Mama need to lay easy on the stress triggers in Mama's life for your sake. And work was definitely one of them so Mama did not go to work at all.

Mama would drag mackie, and a novel or the Holy Quran and read it silently, watching the people, the world and time fly by.

The people that work here knows Mama's order by heart, and Mama secretly feels that they might even have a soft spot for mama up to this day, seeing mama so forlorn every morning here for 2 and a half months without fail.

Mama was alone, and yet mama was not. Mama listened and waited for your kicks. Mama spoke to you, cried to you, laughed with you.

And now you are gone, gone to that beautiful place mama would see in mama's dreams. A place mama couldn't enter even in a dream. Mama is always sitting outside. Can mama ever step inside?
Mama hopes to be able to one day. Mama owes you a hug and a kiss.

It is one of the main reasons that keeps mama close to the faith. Mama is scared that if mama is not good enough of a muslim, mama will never get to see you or stay with you. That thought cripples mama with fear and one which mama knows mama cannot bear with if it happens.

Bear with me Akif. One day mama hopes to not feel like mama's heart is breaking into a million pieces when mama thinks of you. Mama hopes to be able to think of you and smile instead of breaking down into heaps of tears. Mama hopes to be able to set the memory of you free, so that mama can also be free of this grief.

One day Akif, one day. But that day is not today...