Yesterday I took a big step.
I did buy a small amount of clothes for Akif before he was diagnosed with the fatal hydrops that lead to his passing.
At first I left the clothes, neatly wrapped and folded in a plastic bag in my sister's room. I would enter the room and pretend not to see it. Sometimes when I couldn't resist the urge, I would open the bag up and look at the cute clothes that I bought. How hard that was...its like a knife through the heart. Stabbing and stabbing until all the blood had drained, until nothing was left but a hole.
Then I moved the clothes to a spare room and hid it in a cupboard. So it was out of sight. But everytime I entered the room I knew it was there. Hidden away in a cupboard. I was paralysed literally. I did not know what to do with it. I couldn't look at it. But I couldn't throw it away. I couldn't bear the thought of another baby wearing them, because it was meant for MY son. MY Akif. That was how it went for months and months, or if you want to be exact, 163 days now.
Until yesterday, when my mom was asking me whether I had anything to give away to single moms in the areas my dad liked to do charity work and help.
I paused, for a long time...
I knew the clothes were there, I had doubts, my chest felt heavy, my eyes began to water, my lips began to dry up. My knees felt like buckling.
And then I said it...... 'Ibu ambiklah baju arwah Akif bagi kat baby ibu-ibu tunggal tu...'
I said it, and then I actually went to retrieve the clothes, and handed it over to my mum. Shaking...
It was a step. A tough one, but a step.
Ohh Akif, betapa mama rindu padamu...setiap detik, setiap nafas mama.
Moga Tuhan izinkan mama bermain bersama-sama Akif di taman syurga suatu hari nanti, dan moga mama dizinkan kekal didalamnya bersama Akif supaya dapat mama lepaskan rindu mama ini...