Thursday, April 23, 2015
The Turn I Cannot Seem to Make
"There's a moment when love makes you believe in death for the first time. You recognise the ones whose loss, even contemplated, you'll carry forever, like a sleeping child. All grief, anyone's grief... is the weight of a sleeping child..." ~ Anne Micheals
Ever since February, 2nd 2015. I have not been able to go back.
There are days when I go to work or come back from work and I will tell myself 'Today, I'll go visit him. Today I am strong enough...'. And then as I near that fork in the road that would lead to where he is, I just can't seem to go into the junction.
My brain freezes, my hands sweat, my stomach churns, my vision blurs. My heart...it just breaks. And I drive on. Always looking at that junction from my rear-view mirror as it fades away.
I can't do it. I just can't do it.
And then, I will spend the rest of the day asking myself 'What is wrong with me? I used to be able to do this, easy peasy. It's nothing more than a grave..'. And I will miss him for the rest of the day. An ache that never dulls.
I was always kidding myself. It never was easy to go there. But these days, it just seems so much harder.
It's like I am damned if I go, and I am damned if I don't.
2 years on and yet the struggle is ever present.
The struggle for sanity. To overcome grief. To function normally.
It is a daily battle. As a mother who has lost a child, it is a daily battle.
I miss him so very much. Some days, more than I can bear it.
It brings me to my knees, knocks out the strength in me.
Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia.
I will never forget the moment his heart stopped, and mine kept on beating.