Friday, January 30, 2015

The Darkness Is Coming...

"Some nights the sky wept stars that quickly floated and disappeared into the darkness before our wishes could meet them" ~ Ishmael Beah

My dearest Akif,


On Monday it will be 02.02.2015.

Tick tock tick tock.

You would have been 2 years old.

I know you are in a better better place than I could ever be or hope to see.

I am glad that of all places, that is where you are. 

I have like so many things I have done in my life, let you go.

But like all mothers, I have to say I miss you.

I miss you everyday, but on some days I have to admit it gets unbearable for me. I call them the 'dark days'.

I can feel it angel son. I can feel the darkness coming. 

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't function. The dark days are always that bad. Your big brother Airiel keeps me going. Drags me out of bed. Covers my tears with kisses. Makes me laugh. Keeps me sane. 

What I would give for a hug, for 45 minutes with you, to hear your voice or laugh or something like that. But I know, I am selfish because that is maybe what I think I want, but once I get a taste of that, I would want more. More and more. More and more of you. 

Some things are just not meant to be. 

Nothing else hurts like missing you do. Nothing.

Promise me Akif, that when the day comes....ages and ages from now that you will find me. That is what was promised by the Almighty to me. Find me. 

"Masih terasa nafasmu
Lembut menusuk jiwaku
Tenang dihembus bayu
Membawa khabar rindu
Tapi sulit ku teruskan
Engkau jauh ke hadapan
Aku tabah berjalan
Sembunyikan harapan..."

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