Monday, March 10, 2014


"I write to give myself strength, I write to be the characters that I am not. 
I write to explore all the things I am afraid of" ~ Joss Whedon 

Airiel's Atuk is a source of inspiration for me.

He is a champion for charity work, helping others who are less fortunate tirelessly, selflessly and without expecting anything in return. Yes, you share my sentiment, people like him cannot survive in politics. Because politics are never selfless, in fact it is the exact opposite. Anyway, that is not the object of my post. Let it be for another post.

He is someone I aspire to be, but deep down I know, someone that I can never become. I am not wired that way.

He says 'Focus on the pain of others, then you will think less of your own pain'. He is correct.

A recent episode hits too close to home. When I saw a soon to be single father fighting for his daughter.

A face so gaunt, he must not have had any good (or at all) sleep for the past couple of months. No focus at work, no appetite to eat. He was all but skin and bones. His features was set up in a permanent frown. He would stare into space, only laughing or smiling when his daughter amused him with her antics. It is apparent she is his only source of happiness, of peace, of strength.

I also saw... madness. But in that madness there was focus, in that madness there was determination, and the only thing he could think about and the only thing he could say to me or Atuk is 'I cannot lose my daughter, I cannot lose her..'. He told us he was prepared to run, sehelai sepinggang anywhere, everywhere as long his daughter was with him. Start over, where they can live without fear. Nothing else mattered, not his job, not what he owned, not what he wanted in life, his dreams, his money, his property. He doesn't care about that anymore. In that moment I knew that the madness would consume him if his daughter was for whatever reason, taken away from him.

I look at the evidence of what this girl's mother and her family did to the father and to her daughter and all I could think about was 'how is it possible?'. 'How could a mother not love her child?' because I cannot imagine not loving Airiel or angel Akif. Because the love I feel inside for them is all consuming for me.  My love for them is not something I can control. It is beyond my understanding, an instinct way beyond logic and comprehension. Because they are a part of who I am. Because our souls are one and the same. I truly realise that I can live without anything, without everything I have, without what I own. But without Airiel, I will cease to exist. Without Airiel, I will go mad. Without Airiel, I would never be able to survive. Without my weekly Tuesday visits to Akif, I would be consumed by grief. A grief I know I can never recover from. They are my heart and I am their armour.

You must understand that in my strength, I am as fragile as a mother could be. I am capable of anything. I will destroy anything or anyone that hurts Airiel. And that is a promise. I am capable of it. I know that now. He is a source of strength for me, and yet he is my weakness. Mess with my son, and there will be hell to pay.  And believe me when I say I will not stop until you have paid it in full. 

I also saw and finally understood for the first time how much a father can love his child. What he would not do for her. What he is willing to do. Someone who had nothing to lose. It was an excruciatingly beautiful sight to behold.

It was hard to describe what I felt and still feel. I was afraid. I was floored. I was in awe. I felt grief. I felt helpless. I was touched down to the depths of my soul, I was...inspired.

What is my grief compared to the suffering of others? 

Atuk truly knows the value of the words he utters.

Pray for this father readers. He needs it. 

Have a good week ahead.

Peace and love to everyone.

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