Akif's Progress - Week 32 (Rockwell - Knife)

Hello Everyone,

I have a lot of time these days, as I want to ensure in line with doctor's advice that I am stress free for akif. I have resorted to box folding and even sewing!

I enjoy just feeling akif moving and kicking inside. Sleeping seems to be a waste of time, I do not want to miss a single movement.

He is not growing anymore my feto maternal specialist say. His measurements for his overall size, organs and all seem to be stuck at 25 weeks. What are the chances of a 25 week old developed baby of surviving outside? Next to none. The specialist is just waiting to see if Akif survives until the 30th, or if the hydrops resolves itself, or whatever you know. Just whatever...

Bonda refused to answer the question of the percentage of survival. 10% I asked? She just kept quiet and shook her head. I was just asking her to see if she was more medically optimistic. The only thing she said was that, miracles do happen...and she continued to drive.

The truth is I already asked my specialist a few hours before, and I already knew how grave the prognosis was. 5% she says, but even that is an optimistic estimation she told me. My specialist held my hand when she told me. And I squeezed it back. I needed to know the truth, with it I can have closure and prepare myself.

And last week, I found out a truth that shattered the very core of my being, my existence, my heart and soul. 10 years of my life wasting away before me.

Allah must love me very very much. And in a sense I am grateful for that love, to be reminded that everything I have, is truly borrowed. That love which is mortal, is mortal after all, subject to weakness, to change, to betrayal, to lies...

I am letting everything go into His hands and believe everything happens for a reason. I am stronger than I thought I could ever be. I know that now.

And yes, Akif has survived another week. He is so close. He is a fighter just like his mama, he is strong, just like his mama. I would be grateful even if Akif survives for a day or two outside of me so I can enjoy his presence, even for a moment. It will be extremely difficult for me to let him go when and if the time comes, but I am mentally preparing myself for that, every single day. the very real possibility that I will be undergoing confinement without a child to show for it, without Akif.

But whether or not he survives, he is still my miracle. The specialist is surprised Akif has even made it this far. Everytime there is a checkup, she would  be really anxious to check for a heartbeat. Hydrop babies have a tendency to die intra-utero. Yes, he is a miracle to me in each and every way.

Yesterday, I heard this song, I have not heard it for the longest of time. The lyrics stabbed and stabbed me in the heart, until I fell asleep. It is the nights and the time I spend driving are usually the hardest for me. Too much time is bad, it makes you remember, it makes you reminisce, your heart breaks and breaks over and over again. You cry until your tears turn to blood. You wish things were different. You are immersed in so much pain that you think you will die of the grief. The curse of time, I find.

Rockwell - Knife

You touched my life
With the softness in the night
My wish was your command
Until you ran out of love

I tell myself I am free
Got the chance of living just for me
No need to hurry home now that you're gone

Knife, cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I am so deeply wounded
Knife, cuts like a knife
You cut away the heart of my life

When I pretend, wear a smile to fool my dearest friends
I wonder if they know its just a show
I'm on a stage
Day and night I go through my charades
But how can I disguise
What's in my eyes?


Knife, cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I am so deeply wounded
Knife, cuts like a knife
You cut away the heart of my life


I tried and tried
Locking up the pain I feel inside
The pain of wanting you
Wanting you


Knife, cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I am so deeply wounded
Knife, cuts like a knife
You cut away the heart of my life


And in that moment, I realised how much I want Akif to survive, and the grief of wanting that. I realised how I wish things were different in so many ways, and the grief of wanting that.

The grief of wanting something I cannot have. The grief of living with something I cannot change.

May Allah give me guidance. HE is my only hope.