Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Akif's Journey against Hydrops - Week 31

My dearest Akif,

On the 14th, Mama and Bonda went for your 2nd ultrasound. Bonda is always in tears when he sees you on the special monitor. Maybe because as a doctor she immediately sees and understands the true extent of the uphill battle that you face. She breathes slowly in and out and blinks it away.

You have pericardial effusion, a bit of pleural effusion, facial edema and ascites. Water everywhere in your body.

Dr. Sofea informed Mama and Bonda that the results of the tests came back and they were all negative. There is nothing wrong with Mama, infection or otherwise to have caused all the water to build up. And you are not suffering from any chromosomal abnormalities either. So if it was not for the water, you would have been a perfectly normal baby Akif.

Since they don't know what's wrong with you Akif, they can't fix it. They will just have to wait and see if the water goes away, or wait and see if you pass away while still in Mama's tummy.

All that mama saw was how strong your heartbeat was. You were fighting with all your might to stay alive.

If you make it until the 34th week, they will take you out of Mama's tummy and try to save you then. That is 3 weeks away. That is the plan. Logically and medically, your chances of survival are very very poor.

This is hard for everyone in the family. And yet, Mama finds it difficult to describe how Mama feels. Mama bears a burden no one else in the family can carry, not even your abah. You are inside me, you are mine. Your heart beats through me.

As a mother, isn't it Mama's job to fix things for you and your brother Airiel? That is what Mama has been doing for your big brother Airiel all these years, especially since Abah works far far away. But Mama cannot fix you Akif, there is nothing that Mama can do to make the water go away. There is truly nothing worse for a mother to not be able to make things better for their child, and that is how Mama feels.

Mama is praying tons and tons for you to get better. Mama is praying tons and tons for Allah to decide what is best for you, to ease your suffering. For the family to be strong no matter what happens.

Mama will see you again on the 30th where the doctors will decide how to proceed.

So long as you are fighting, Mama will fight with you. No matter what the outcome is.


  1. Idza this post really touch my heart. I really pray with all my heart that everything will be better for you and your family and if it doesn't may Allah give you the strength to deal with it. I believe that Allah gives his hardest battle to his strongest soldier, and you my dear is that. Again may Allah bless you and baby Akif *in sha allah*