Monday, December 31, 2012

Its Time to be Brave...

My dearest Akif,

Your brother Airiel has been by himself for 3 years before Abah and Mama decided its time to add to the family.

Your presence and being was planned, expected and something Abah and Mama was looking forward to. Abah had a feeling from the first time he saw the 2 lines that you were going to be a boy while Mama was hoping for a girl. Abah had decided to name you Akif.

Mama dropped all mama's bad habits and stopped drinking coffee altogether. Mama ate kalsium and vitamins and asid folic and whatever that Bonda asked mama to take, as each and every pregnancy in this family is precious as only we would know.

Scanned at 13 weeks and 17 weeks, you looked normal and good and there was no cause for concern.  Mama's health was good and mama had planned everything out. Mama had early and shortlisted mama's postnatal care, was in the midst of choosing breastpumps for you.

Mama and Bonda was even considering to have your cord blood taken for the family during your birth. Mama spoke to you all the time and Airiel was always asking you when you were coming out of Mama's tummy to play with him.

At 29 weeks, during a routine checkup, a specialist detected that you were not well Akif and Mama was rushed to University Hospital. An ultrasound confirmed Bonda's worst fears. You were very very sick.

You had Hydrop Fetalis.

Your chance of survival is very poor. Today mama had to undergo a barrage of tests to find out what is making you so sick. Abah is still having a hard time accepting that this is happening.

It breaks Mama's heart to see the water surrounding your organs, even under your skin, the abnormality of your heart and how against all those odds, your heart was beating ferociously. You were literally and essentially fighting for your life.

Some questions in life, you just can't find the answer to Akif, and Mama cannot offer any explanation why you have to suffer this way. Some people would want to say maybe its penance for what Mama or Abah has done or said, but Mama does not want to believe that.

Mama truly believes that Allah knows best and Mama will let Allah decide what is best for you, Abah and Mama. Mama is willing to let you go Akif if that will ease your suffering. Your suffering, Mama cannot bear to watch.

Mama knows that you will go to a beautiful, wonderful place where there is no suffering, no sickness, no aging and no pain. Mama knows you will wait for Mama. Mama does not know whether Mama will ever qualify to go to that beautiful place where only the chosen will go, but Mama hopes Mama will get to see you and meet you there.

Mama will miss you so so very much until Mama's dying day.

For now, Mama will cherish every moment that we still have together, your every movement in Mama's tummy, your every kick. The doctors tell me, the only reason you are still alive is because you are still inside me, and you will not survive long once you enter the world. Mama has accepted this, even though it kills Mama to hear it.

Be brave for Mama Akif, and Mama will be brave for you...

Mama and Abah loves you more than life itself...

Dear Allah, please do what is best for Akif and this family...please give us the strength...



  1. Allah.. sedihnye.. sabar ye idza..Allah Maha mengetahui.. Akif.. akif akan jadi penyelamat utk idza disana nanti.. InSyaaAllah..kuatkan semangat ye

  2. Sam search in every e-encyclopedia... words xleh nak gambar perasaan sam skang... Allah xkan duga iza sebegini hebat, hanya Dia tau sedang mana kekuatan iza. sentiasa bersangka baik dengan Allah ye dear... hanya Dia yg tau ape yg sdg berlaku

  3. Thanks kak intan, sam. Doakan saja untuk kami. Allah knows best.

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