Berlalu seperti mimpi

That is how I describe this weekend...

Mula-mula didn't start out very well..tapi me and Aries ada 'heart to heart talk' jumaat malam itu - well sort off.

Kesimpulan - Ada perubahan.

We watched universal soldier pada sabtu siang and out of the blue...kata azimat yang dinanti diucapkan secara spontan..hati tersentuh..

I bought myself a mighty mouse..tried the magic mouse..tapi mcm tak best...

Malam Aries baik hati bawak pergi dinner date dekat 'Jake's..and we enjoyed ourselves..teringat gembira zaman dahulu...hehe..

Our sparkling being opened

Aries

Yours truly

Oysters..see how excited Aries' gets hehe...

Beef nachos..yum yum

Aries' steak

My rib-eye ..tak habis makan pon..

Sunday morning was family outing day..so we took Airiel to Subang Parade makan Nando's tapi Airiel tak makanla...dia makan baby biscuits..

Our little Airiel

And then..spent more time together..before sending Aries off to the airport...and I remember 'itu'..before he disappeared into the crowd to catch his plane...masih terasa ikhlasnya...

What a beautiful dream...

I hope it lasts..

Poor Airiel

Hari ni Airiel mengamuk.

I reached home late..dalam kul 10.00 malam..ada kerje kena rush.

Selalunya Airiel will get to speak to Aries. Tapi mlmni tak dapat..by the time I got changed, had a shower, Aries maybe dah tido and tak angkat tepon.

As a result, little Airiel tak mahu tido. He kept waiting for me to call tapi Aries dah tido so nak buat camne?

He stomped his feet, kicked and screamed and threw my telephone away bila reach voicemail. Nangis non-stop tak hingat. Me, atuk n nenda dah panik. He cried himself to sleep. (kepedihan hati teramat sgt I could feel while typing that last sentence). So baru tido tadi.

I realised that although Airiel jual mahal and kengkadang nangis bila dengar suara ayah dia, it is an absolute must for him before dia rasa complete.

I realised that although Airiel is still small, he knows that he misses his father.

I'm so sorry Airiel.

Know that Abah thinks of you all the time, and misses you all the time.

Know that Abah sheds tears hearing your voice or when he hears you cry.

But above all, know that Abah loves you more than anything in this world. More than his life.

Sob sob.

This post ends here. sob sob

My social experiment

So in my last post , I did say that I was going to tell you guys what is the social experiment (kind of) that I am putting myself through.

Well, it's about..you guessed it..me and Aries.

I like calling him, like a couple of times a day. Sampai at one point rasanya Aries get annoyed and marah me (sort of, sniff sniff) sebab dia kata mcm suffocated gitu. I was so upset so I went cold turkey. Tak call dia ape lgsg seminggu.

I honestly found the results quite scary. Bolehje hidup tanpa call dia.

Yupp, boleh. Once dah set mind, rupanya boleh survive tanpa dia dlm hidup.

I think I am extreme. It's either I feel too much or absolutely nothing. And I can make myself feel absolutely nothing.

Habistu howla to call it a marriage? Kalau tak kisah tak berhubungan lgsg..bukankah jadik mcm strangers?

Uish uish..maybe Aries jenis takde perasaan jiwang..ataupun tak tahulah apa yg jadik kat sana pada dia..sigh sigh, nak jejakkan kaki kat JB pon skrang ada problem yg tak dapat ditulis disini.. so kepala hotak mcm buntu.

So after getting a scare like this..mcm nak cuba jiwang balik kat Aries, tapi naturally dia akan annoyed balik.

Org kata 'out of sight, out of mind' betulke?

I realise we women can do absolutely everything if we set our mind to it. Even living, physically and perhaps in my extreme case, even mentally and soulwise...seperately. Perhaps, this is what they call 'drifting apart'. Sigh..I don't know.

Tapi at the risk of jiwang karat terlebih, and buat malu muka sendiri sebab bertepuk sebelah tangan..baiklah teruskan dgn eskperimen sosial ni. Sigh, I remember those days masa Aries tgh mengorat diriku ini..bukan main lagik...never thought what they say is true, marriage kills the romance.

For me apparently it does.

I hope it does not for you.

This post is not intended to show Aries in a negative light. MasyaAllah no. He is a husband yang bertanggungjawab. Cukup makan dan pakai diberikan to me and without a doubt, a loving father. Tapi itulah..marriage ini suatu amanah..and like all amanah, sgt susah untuk dipelihara dan dijaga. Sigh..kita senantiasa mengabaikan sesuatu yang kita rasa sentiasa akan ada. Itu human nature. That I know.

I am sure that deep down Aries loves me, but I do not think he realizes that it takes more than silence to keep love alive, and more than indifference to keep a marriage afloat.

This candid post might make some people uncomfortable.

If it does, then please LEAVE.

Bracelets

Owwhh..

I just wanted to share my newest puchase from Beetlebead.

Are they not absolutely beautiful?

I am wearing the odetta bracelet today, hehe

Weekend

This weekend my Aries naik flight!!!

Imagine my happiness bila dia sesekali mendengar kata hati si wifey..!

Hehe..Anyways..I've bought a few things that was previously on my list.

1. Shades (check!);
2. Sandals for weekends (check!);
3. Court shoes (check!); and
4. tunnel plaything for Airiel (check! hey..this was not on the list!)

Apparently he loves it! Anyways..enough of the talk..let the pics do the rest

2 loves of my life

Sunday breakfast

Airiel on his best behaviour

Aries and Airiel

Mama and her new shades! (Lebihla plak)

Hehehe

All choked up

I just heard what happened to diar's son and his passing.

I cannot speak..the door to my room in the office is closed. I'm all choked up.

I close the microsoft word window on my computer screen and my wallpaper is a pic of my Airiel..laughing while playing in his pool.

I burst into tears. I want to go home.

I know God works in mysterious ways..I should believe it..I want to believe it.

I need to go home and see my Airiel.

Condolences are meaningless, but it is all I can offer.

Al-Fatihah.

Adorned again!

My newest purchase from one of my fave blogshops.

Prettie!!!

Displeased

Ada certain kebiasaan dia yang sgt tak disukai.

Like pergi karaoke..ntah hape ntah yg berlaku di dalam tempat itu..ntah dengan siapa dia pergi..

Ntah siapa siapa ntah yang akan menyendeng-nyendeng kat dia.. kalau mati di dalam tempat itu..apa nak jawab kepada sesiapa yang bertanya nanti? "Tapi saya tak berdosa sebab niat saya cuma nak menyanyi karaoke saja"

Cuba analogikan dengan situasi ini. Ada orang membunuh di masjid "Saya tak sepatutnya berdosa sebab saya melakukan semua itu di masjid". Logikkah? Boleh diterima kah?

Lainla kalau aku ada..aku boleh terima lagi. Tapi semenjak jadi ibu kepada Airiel, rasa mcm tak sesuai nak menjejakkan kaki ke tempat tempat mcm ni. Erti kata lain, segan.

Needless to say, dia tak rasa segan mcm aku.

Aku maintain muka selamba, keras-keraskan hati ini. Aku tahan jari-jemari ini dari mendail no. dia. Aku tahan diri dari bagi sms berbaur emosi. Aku menangis airmata darah merayu supaya dia tak pergi pun tiada ertinya.

Aku iyekan saja..tetapi hati ini terbakar tuhan saja yang tahu.

Dia tak paham hati aku

Dia tak paham jiwa aku

Dia tak paham luka aku

Nak cakap pon tak guna. Itu diri dia. Dia suka perkara itu. Jadi aku haruslah terima seadanya.

So "I grit my teeth and I try"

Untuk melupakan semua rasa sakit itu, aku jadi 'workaholic'. Itu 'escapism' aku. Aku balik tgk Airiel, aku lagi sedih.

Jadi aku senyum saja.

Hidup mesti diteruskan.

Airiel's checkup..among others

Yesterday Airiel and both me went for our checkup.

My oh my..Airiel is now 9.9 kgs.

What a big boy already.

Since it is a government clinic..confirmla kan kena tunggu lama. I managed to take some pics.

I also went for my injection. Apparently I've lost weight. Haha..ironik sungguh memandangkan makan byk tak hingat. Tapi I suddenly realised that sekarang sebenarnye tgh go through episode tak lalu makan nasi (rasa mcm horror sgt tgk nasi..). Barujer ingat nak beli RxLite dari Rinie. But unless I'm gaining weight...it's kind of pointless la pulak.

I am currently putting myself through a social experiment. Hehe..at least that is what I call it laa. This experiment will last one week a.k.a the end of this week.

Once this week is over, I'll tell you guys what the experiment is all about and whether I survived it or not! Haha..

I am truly not sleeping well these days. Airiel tak mahu tido atas katil lagi. He wants to sleep on the mattress on the floor. Ada masa nanti I'll take a pic and show you how it looks like. Anyways mattress tu utk single punya bed. Airiel tido lesak. So tak muat for me to actually sleep there with him. In the end I have to sleep atas katil while he sleeps down there.

Every single movement he makes wakes me up. The slightest sound, even if he breathes to loudly or snores, I will wake up and go all panicky sebab tak biasa tido tak peluk dia. I'm such a sob sob..so now mata bengkak. Boleh imagine tak mata sepet yang bengkak..? Macam takde mata je.

Owhh..I have so many things that I need (as opposed to saje suka hati) to buy. When I go out with Aries on a weekend, selalunya akan terpesong beli mende utk airiel or..aries' splurges on something totally unnecessary for himself (sigh). Anyways, getting back to the list:-

1. Counsel bag;

2. Court shoes;

3. Sandals for weekend outings;

4. Small handbag for going out on weekend;

5. Shades (sbb astig horror time bwk krete); and

6. Loose powder (any suggestions on a brand anyone?);

As for mende nak buat:-

1. Manicure;

2. Pedicure; and

3. Massage.

Must make a point to buy and do all these things.

I have purchased a few more bracelets and will blog about them in my next post.

Just this weekend

So.. Aries came back gile lewat on Friday...Airiel nangis punya nangis tunggu..sampai tertido. Anyways..Airiel was so happy to see Aries when he woke up on Saturday morning.. what a cutie...

After playing with Airiel until he fell sound asleep.. We went off to have lunch at Marche's. The concept is funny...Here's how it works..

You get a card at the door. 1 card each like below

After that you go to the respective stalls to get your food..and then the person taking care of the counter will take your card and chop it.

Aries has half a dozen oysters and was in heaven..hahaha

Our drinks, me having plain old watermelon juice and Aries went a bit to adventurous and had the healthy juice of the day (wheatgrass + ginger + god knows what)..urgghhh

My salad which I loved. They are currently having a mushroom promotion..yummy!

Me and Aries had grilled chicken and lamb chop as well but I forgot to take the pics on those..lapo sgt...hahah

Aries and Airiel..

And..last but not least..

Cheeky Aries in his new shades!

I spoil him I know! But who else to spoil but Aries and my lil Airiel?

*WINK*

Jiwang sekejap

Bermimpi Lagi

Lautan takkan mampu menampung airmata

Mentari tak tersuluh mendungku di jiwa

Semakin bayangmu pudar

Semakin terseksa dan tanpaku rela

Gugur semangatku mangharung dunia

Mungkin kau dah berubah

Tidak seperti dulu

Mungkin dunia serba indah bila jauh dariku

Nyatakanlah kekuranganku

Agarkan sempurna menghiasi hidup

Serba kesepian tanpa belaianmu

Tak sanggup aku walau sedetik

Untuk kehilanganmu kasih

Kerana ku percaya cinta abadi selamanya

Biar hilang dlm genggaman

Cintamu akan ku kejarkan

Berdua bersatu

Hingga nafas terakhirku

Mengapa harus kau mengalah

Pada dugaan kau menyerah

Sedaya ku tadah gelisah

Namun tanpamu aku rebah

Katakan ku masih di hati

Walau helah tak kupeduli

Asal lena tak dikejuti

Kerana ku masih bermimpi lagi

Lagu ni lagu lama..time bercintun dulu hehe..

Ntah... sekarang nih dah gemar dgr lagu slow slow... getting old perhaps?

I think lately my posts semuanya mcm emotional ntah hape-hape ntah. Tapi lepas ni mcm dah ade resolution dlm diri utk tak mahu jiwang karat lagi n takmo taruh post ngok ngek mcmni.

Maybe sebab disturbing things happening to me and Aries lately...tuh yg terlebih emosi tu. Tapi bila pikir sgt rasa mcm dah nak muntah dah pikir. Baikla tak payah pikir.

Baik jadik workaholic..like the original me... so tak payah pikir lagik mende lain. At least at the end of the year..dpt gak bonus melambak... berbaloi usaha lebih.

Time ni tgh contemplate nak buat mende exciting... mcm my friend Kak Kelly kat SANCO dulu dgn diri ini selalu plan. Hehe... I really salute her... she's such a free spirit...I miss you Kak Kelly!!! Hugzy!

Ohh.. by the way, my newest puchase is these jeans leggings..from Red Ocaso

Loves!

Malangnya utk sesiapa yg berminat, its already sold out...sigh

Maybe nak siap decorate Airiel punya play area this weekend. Tunggu gamba ye guys!!

Failure

Kempen telah gagal in its entirety.

Aries nak balik naik kereta kesayangannya..

Ngok ngek..

Well..at least I can say that I tried..

Kempen paksa Aries

Ohh..sebab Aries kan terlampau accident prone..dah nyaris nak melayang nyawa terlampau byk kali..

I have decided sanggup utk menghabiskan duit, jiwa dan raga untuk pujuk Aries naik kapal terbang balik KL.

Flight firefly - turun dekat Subang airport tu je..dekat sgt dgn umah..and kalo kira-kira balik..to lak minyak and tol..lebih kurang sama..kalo lebih pun ..tak boleh nak banding dgn penatnya bawak krete betul tak?

Jom kita mulakan kempen 'pujuk Aries naik flight' . Dia tu syg sgt dgn krete and insist nak bwk balik sebab tak sunggup berenggang walaupun sehari..*rolling eye*

Boleh menyelamatkan nyawa nih!! Unless of course ....the plane crashes...sigh..risaula plak..

Anyways..Sila tinggalkan komen anda dan sokong kempen saya!

Finally...!

Sampaipun pakej pakej shopping online ku!

Gate untuk Airiel supaya jangan sesuka hati naik turun tangga

AND

Aksi selingan Airiel makan biskut pukul 5 pagi....hahahha

It's not goodbye

Till the day I let you go

Till we say our next hello

It's not goodbye

Till I see you again

I'll be right here remembering when

And if time is on our side

There will be no tears to cry

There is one thing I can't deny

It's not goodbye..

An offence most grave..

I need to vent..!

So bear with me je la kan..

Being in a long distance relationship ni sgtla byk ujian...

I have on numerous occasions received calls from women wanting to be Aries' 2nd wife la.. women saying that Aries and them are crazy in love la... that they are together la.. that they are planning to get married la..haiyoo.. as much as I do not want to pay attention to all of this.. it does bother me... up to a certain extent it creates tension in our marriage. I am a normal woman..I get jealousla kan.

I have been receiving gifts from an anonymous sender since last year..you name it, flowers (at one one time 100 flowers was sent to me), perfumes, chocolates and jewelry. I don't really know whether Aries' gets jealous. He doesn't seem to...but anyways...that just goes to show how things are..sigh

I honestly do not know what goes on in JB. Aries is my husband and I have to trust him and believe that he will not do these things. Yang lain, serah sahaja kepada Yang Maha Esa.

But I really do think that for a woman to try and knowingly get into a relationship with a married man..and for a man to knowingly try to get into a relationship with a married woman, there is no offence more grave than this. (Sorry Siti Nurhaliza, I might like your songs but you're guilty as sin).

And for respective spouses in a marriage, I know there are temptations to stray...to have fun...to be excited about the prospects of something new... the adrenalin rush and all...and you might think at the back of your mind...your significant other might never find out. That is possible, and they might never know.

But what if they do find out? Would it be worth it? What if the marriage can't be repaired? What happens to the children if a separation is imminent? (Jon & Kate saga..remember anyone?)

I wonder what I would do if this happens to me..and my honest answer would be..I don't know, I really don't know.

You know...recently Daphne Iking's hubby sued the man she had an affair with under some obscure section of the law for enticing away a married woman? It might be legally obsolete...but I can think of nothing more morally right.

I am rambling away... but I feel like this post is absolutely necessary to reflect my feelings on this.

"Ya Allah, lindungilah aku dan suamiku dari zina

Dan jauhilah kami dari kelalaian dan kesementaraan dunia"

Amin.

Go Away

I never felt so much love in my soul
And no one loved me more than you did
Because of you I laughed and cried
I was reborn also
All I had, I gave to keep you here
I know that saying goodbye is best
Suffering, I will pay for my mistake
And nothing will be the same
I have to accept it
And find the strength in me for this goodbye

Just walk away
I cannot bear it anymore
There's no way to go back in time

Forget it and let me go on alone with my solitude

Go away, tell me goodbye
I will resign myself to go on without your warmth
And I will never understand what happened
If there's nothing I can do
Just walk away

I'm not going to repent for yesterday
Loving you and I know
For that love
For always being faithful
Today I have to be strong and learn

* This is the English translation of the song 'Alejate' performed by Josh Groban, a beautiful ...beautiful song..

* I know I have an angel....with beautiful silver wings...who I will always remember... R.I.P

This weekend

We bought a pool for Airiel..sebab dia kan suka berendam tak ingat..kalau nak bawak keluar dari bilik air tu memang akan melalak la dia...

Excited sgt nak bwk balik pool yg dah dibeli..punyala ngok ngek sampai terlupa beli pam isi angin pool..jadi terpaksalah me and Aries..tiup sendiri..nasib baik ada tiupan power..hahaha!

Pool hasil tiupan sendiri

Airiel and his sunglasses

He was loving it!

Ketawa tak hingat!!

Aries and Airiel..haha

We bought him gelongsor skali..tapi dia mcm takut takut skit nak main..currently in the process of finishing his play area.. Pics akan diupload bila dah siap kay?

Haha..

Fly away

Nak terbang...terbang jauh-jauh...

Nak lari..run and never look back..

Nak mengalami amnesia permanent..

Boleh?

Lagu itu...seniman menangis...terngiang ngiang..

"Kalau kau berada di belakang tabir menyaksikan..

Kau akan melihat seniman ini menangis.."

Luka yang tak baik baik

When I started out with this blog, it was like an online diary for me. I wanted to record moments, jot down how I felt at certain moments for my own reading or my children's reading 50 years down the line.

This blog was and still is a personal thing for me...

When I realised that people are actually reading this blog, rasa mcm susah nak tulis personal posts untuk trash out perasaan yang ntah hape-hape..sigh..

This is one post that I have been meaning to write for quite a while now, but one which I struggle with nak tulis ke tak.

Nak mengaku diri sendiri ini seorang yg 'cemburu' bukannya senang...tapi baik ajelah mengaku...

I read rinie's post about how najmie was there for her during her labour and childbirth...the list goes on..kak lina and abg wan, ida and yen, hazri and his wife, the latest far and lan..and I have to admit... I felt a kick in the gut.

I was and still am jealous of you lucky gals.

Yepp you guessed it right, Aries was not around for my labour, and was not present during my harrowing experience watching Airiel's erratic heartbeat everytime I had my contraction, he did not see the fear I had in my eyes when the doctors told me my baby had fetal distress and if I did not agree to a c-sect, my baby would die.

He did not hold my hand or stroked my head to tell me everything was ok, he was not around to sign my c-sect forms for me and he was not the last face I saw before they wheeled me into the operating theatre..he did not make it.

As only your husband is allowed in the labour room, I was during all those times...alone.

I tell myself everyday since that day, that he must have been sorry and that the matter is done and gone, so I should let it go. The details of him not making it, biarlah I keep it to myself.

Yes, I have forgiven him for being absent. Forgetting that he was absent is a totally different matter.

I have tried but cannot. The horror of the experience is so etched in my mind that I still dream about it sometimes...sigh.

Luka yang tak baik baik..itulah istilah yang paling sesuai.

Just before the tears fall, I remember a song and the lyrics say:-

"I am not a princess

And this is not a fairy tale

I am not the one you'll sweep of her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This is not Hollywood

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you and I let myself down"

And I realise that I know how the singer felt and what singer meant when she wrote that song.

And the tears somehow stop before they fall, for I do not cry, not anymore, not since that day in that labour room when I realised how it felt to be truly alone.

Its ok, I am ok.. I just need to let this out and let it be over with. Life is to short for me to continue grieving...

This post is not meant to put Aries in a negative light, and I hope it won't. This post is about me facing my demons and putting the salve to a wound that have been festing for months and months.

I hope the girls out there yang suaminya berada bersama semasa saat-saat menyabung nyawa itu, bersyukur dan berterima kasih kepada suaminya. You do not know how lucky you really are. Only I would know that.

As I said before, reality is never kind, it is what it is.

I accept that.

But it does not mean that it would hurt me any less.

And I accept that too.

Moga luka akan sembuh soon.

Online shopping knowhow

Many of my readers have e-mailed me asking me how I keep track of all the blogshops I visit and how I keep track of my purchases as well. I use google reader as a very handy tool eheh...

Here is my online shopping knowhow guideline (cewwah!):-

A. You must first follow the blogshop. Only then will it show up in your google reader. To follow a blogshop (or any blog for that matter), this is the way:-

1. Make sure you have a gmail account (if you don't, create one);

2. Go to the desired blogshop. For this purpose I will use my blog as a sample.

3. You will see on the top right hand corner of the blog, like shown below, and click on the sign in tab;

4. Enter you gmail account details and sign in, you will then be taken back to the desired blogshop (if they don't take you back to the desired blogshop), type back the address. On the left hand corner, you see the 'follow' tab. Click on it.

5.This will come out, and you can opt to follow the blog anonymously or publicly, once you've made your choice, click follow.

6. You're all done! The screen below will come out..hehe

Alternatively, if the blog has the followers app, like this

just click on the follow tab, the same screen as above will appear and do the same as well. Voila! you're done!!

To keep track of all your online shopping websites

1. Go to the standard google website i.e. www.google.com.my;

2. If you haven't already signed in, do so like below

3. Once you've signed in, go to the top left hand corner, click on the reader tab, just like below.

4. This is how google reader will look like, and all the blogshops you follow will appear here, when the blogshops are updated, it will be shown in the 'New Items'. If you like something, put a star on it and it will appear on you 'starred items'. Easy peasy kan! Good luck!

Back to reality

Its back to work..sigh

Dates for the upcoming months are mostly filled up..so probably the only confirmed long leave I will be taking is December of every year..it might seem like a long way away..but time really flies..

I am very happy with my work now..but there is a nagging feeling that eats me up..and that is the fact that Aries is not around. The time when he arrives in front of this doorstep..shouts 'Hunny, I'm home' and then later whispers in my ear 'I'm home for good' is a day that I wait for..I can then say that I am truly happy and contented for only then can I say with conviction... 'yes, my life is indeed complete'.

But reality hits me..and I'm back where I am, alone.

I tell myself fate has a way of working things out, you know..the malays call it takdir. But deep down inside I struggle to believe that something good can come out of a husband who is separated from his family. Call me a pessimist..but I think the more accurate term would be that I am a realist 'instead'. This life of mine is real, this separation is real. This loneliness is real.

I face the bare facts...and I face it hard. The facts are never kind, they are what they are.

I am rambling here..I should stop. I know I will feel better tomorrow, when things get busy, you hardly remember what it is in life that pains you the most. But faked temporary amnesia is not a cure... and I won't pretend that it is.

I shall smile instead.

Makes sense?

It is not supposed to.

Goodnight

Cardi craze...

Sorrows put aside..I am ready to blog about more positive things and that would of course be...shopping!!!

As per my post title..I am cardi crazy.. to me it completes my outfit...maklumla.. I have so many sleeveless tops tp diri ini menutup aurat..so mana bleh pakai tops tu mcm tu je kan..kenala cover dgn cardi. I have mostly all the basic colours tapi plan on getting summore.

Buying them online makes it so easy-peasy. Recently I've bought these:-

I bought these cardigans at Attire Attic, and the pics above are courtesy of Attire Attic as well. Cardigans aside, I buy must of my tops and dresses (which I will then alter to convert them into tops) here. The clothes fit me well and when they say the material is top notch quality, I find it to be true (unlike some blogshops which have the heart to tell a flat out lie about the materials).

Hop on over to take a look.

Dan separuh nyawa ini pergi

Aries dah bertolak balik ke Johor hari ni..byk keje menunggu after 1 week hols.

I am distraught..

Shall not elaborate more.

Will update on more positive things once I am feeling better.

Sigh