Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Marital Woes - You have a choice, MAKE it

I don't know why when friends ke org yg aku kenal tak berapa kenal sgt pun will ask me for advice when they have marital problems. Muka aku ni dah mcm kaunter tempat mengadu hal rumahtangga agaknya. Takpun maybe I just listen and never say anything, unless they ask me too and even when they do I tell them, do you really want to listen to what I have to say? I will ask them that at least 4 or 5 times and if they consistently say yes baru aku cakap.

What marriage does not go through problems, let me ask you that? Most problems are almost always of the same severity, only different in form and shape. And let me tell you perempuan these days sama naik je dengan lelaki dari segi keberanian, kegatalan dan ketidaksopanannya. The stories I have heard shocks even me these days, and I have been through my own hell to not be so easily surprised by anything anymore.

The problems range from money issues, to infidelity issues, to simply growing apart and not having the same feelings for each other anymore, to fertility issues.

Yang paling banyak org mengadu kat aku of course la pasal infidelity kan. And they ask me for my advice. And I always tell them, you have a choice. MAKE it.

And then they give me a funny look like what choice? And I tell them, you either stay or walk away. That is a choice, it may be a tough one to make, but you have to do it if you want to move on in your life. Wallow in your sorrow and grieve for a while, but then at some point of time or rather you have to pick up the pieces and make a decision whether your partner/gf/bf/spouse is worth sticking around for.

If he/she isn't, then leave. Get a divorce, get a time out. Kick him/her out of the house. Do not sit around and hang on to a situation and feel sorry for yourself for the next 50 years of your life while not doing anything.

If he/she is, and he/she is making efforts to change then forgive him/her. It is a simple as that. I have gone through major marriage problems in my life, details of which let me just keep to myself. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is fact which I had to face. Grieve and lose sleep over. I look at my son  at the time and ask myself 'why?'. I look at my FIL and Aries' family history at the time and tell myself I should never have married a guy who was so genetically predisposed to this kind of behaviour. I felt sorry for my MIL and wondered how she put up with something which I find so unacceptable.

And then after all that grieving and wallowing and feeling sorry for myself, I had to make a decision. do I stay? Or do I leave? And believe you me, it was not an easy decision, so I asked Allah for help and help Allah did. For muslims, solatlah istikharah.

I made my decision. I stayed. I forgave ... and by forgiving I realised how much more of a person I was on the inside than Aries could ever be, because both he and I knew that if the situation was reversed, he would never have forgiven me.

What didn't break us has now made us stronger. It is a work in progress but I hope we will one day get there. I can only hope for the best.

And I moved on. You move on. We should all move on.

Same goes if you decide to have a divorce or leave. Get it done, forgive you partner/spouse (forgiving really does set you free) and start afresh. As much as the process of starting afresh again is painful, it is also a relief. And insyaAllah, you will find someone who will be better suited for you.

If you have money issues, you should talk to each other about it!

If you have fertility issues, work on it! Get yourself checked out, medically diagnosed and try and fix the situation.

If you feel like the spark is no longer there, spend more time with each other, take vacations. Have a romantic getaway. Make an effort to fall in love again. How fun would that be, to fall in love over and over again with the same person? mother/father of your children? someone to grow old with?

The truth might hurt, and talking about it might hurt even more. But to me, talking about it and finding a solution, means you are owning your pain and therefore exercising control over it.

The bottom line is everybody when confronted with a situation, have a choice. All they have to do is MAKE it.

Make that choice my readers, and I wish you all the best.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

P.S - Forgiving does not mean forgetting mind you. I do remind Aries on how mean and how much pain he caused me from time to time. And then, all of a sudden... I get a new bag! *Grin*


  1. hi, i've to agree with u on this. i too have gone to almost hell & back but Alhamdulillah, i'm glad that i stayed. After what had happened, i finally found the true meaning of redha & tawakkal. we can try our upmost best but at the end of d day, Allah knows what's best for us. and like u said, forgiving doesnt mean forgetting. i think i may not forget what i went through for d rest of my life. insyAllah, may our marriages are blessed till d end by Allah. Amiiinnn.

    p/s: btw, i managed to book a 3 wks package with jemari traditional. here's hoping that i'll manage to slim down by confinement ends! amiinnn =P

  2. Juju: A lot of my friends who face this is stuck in one place juju, they wished that it never happened, they want everything to go back to how it used to be. And yes, I have been there myself. But after feeling that way for sometime, I think we need to realise that whatever happened has happened and there is nothing you can do about it. And no, things will be never be the same ever again. And we have to pick ourselves up from there.

    Booked your package already! Congrats and best of luck on the confinement! When are you due?

  3. true, it was so hard for me to pick up d pieces. i was a bz professional, climbing d corporate ladder when it happened. masa tuh barulah tau langit tinggi rendah. all my self esteem & confidence vanished. but like u said, we ve to make our choice & move on. so i made my choice, tawakkal & moved on. insyAllah, hopefully this is the best for us.

    my edd is in january. but i need to make all the arrangements earlier as we are currently staying abroad. and i'll head back to kl once i'm abt to deliver. when is your edd? have u managed to get d confinement lady?

  4. my edd is in march. I dah jumpa confinement lady, but basically dia dtg utk urut je. Yg lain, my maids and my mom ada. So I am not spending that much for 21 days of urut.