Monday, May 9, 2011

My Mother and I

My mother is not like most mothers out there.

She is an equivalent of a drill sergeant and we grew up in very strict, disciplined surroundings.

Me and Bonda to this day, would jokingly say that our mother is the notorious 'Ice Queen'. Someone that never shows any emotion and by that I mean none. She very rarely seems happy, but she does not look miserable either. I have only seen her lose her temper once throughout my entire life, and she very rarely shows bouts of any other emotions at all.

I know deep down she loves us, but I could never understand why she was not capable of showing it.

I never understood, not until one day Bonda asked Atuk why Nenda was so cold...and this is what Atuk says 'She does not necessarily knows how to be a mother because she never had one...'. And he told us the story of my mother. This was about 5 years ago I think.

She was orphaned at age 4 or 5. My grandfather remarried and at first she stayed with her stepmother, who obviously was not the kindest to her and my aunt (my mum was the youngest of 2 siblings, and have 1 older sister, whom airiel calls opah). When that did not work out, she stayed with her grandmother, my great-grandmother throughout her teenage life. My father told us of how my mum only ever felt loved by her grandmother, but their life was hard. There was not enough food, never enough money. It was back then my mother decided that the only way she could leave the life of poverty she was trapped in was through education, and she studied hard until she got accepted into TKC. I remember my mother telling us how the best food she ever ate was while she was in TKC as she never had enough money to eat at home.

I realised that my mother has made it out and she has come a long way indeed.

Only then did I understand why education, and getting good results were the most important thing for her when it comes to her children, it was because she knew first hand that education is what will guarantee us a comfortable life, a way to have means in our lives.

Only then did I understand why she does not cry, as she thinks of it as a weakness she cannot show in front of others due to her harsh childhood.

Only then did I understand why she rarely shows her happiness, as she fears that it would be taken away from her and she would end up hurt as she was in the past.

Only then did I understand why the only times I have ever seen her show any emotion is when it comes to my father, as apart from my great-grandmother,my father is the only person who has ever shown love towards her.

I understand how strong and courageous it was for her to stand up and change her fate, and how in the strength and courage she mustered to do so, she was..more than anything, the most fragile soul I have ever seen.

I now know she loves us in the only way she knows how to.

I am in awe of my mother. I have never told her that, and she may never read this post.... but her story inspires me to be more that I thought I could ever be. I am who I am because of her.

Ibu, I know I don't say this often enough, and you may not always think that I do by the way I act...but I love you.

Moga syurga yang paling istimewa disimpan untuk ibu. Amin

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