Terkesan di hati

Dear Allah, test us in the best way, guide us every single day

Keep us close to you, until the end of time...

Last week and this week adalah weeks yg mcm mcm berlaku.

As you all know, my family planned to take a long deserved vacation in Terengganu. All things booked and planned since last year, Aries suddenly couldn't make it due to an inconsiderate magistrate in JB. Fine, lawyers deal with unreasonable people every day. We suck it up, smile and still call you Tuan/Puan even though we think you're an ass because we respect the chair you're occupying...although you may have no respect for it yourself. Whatever, life goes on.

And then 2 days before our trip, Atuk became sick yet again. You know, perut kembung and keras, tak lalu makan, cirit birit, tak boleh kentut. BUSUNG. Checked, nothing medically wrong again. So seperti biasa, kena berubat traditional. But in his recovering condition, how were we going to go to Terengganu? Gilalah org politik, asyik bomoh membomoh sahaja. And guess what, we even know who he/she is yg buat. Mmg muka tak tahu malu. Berlagak alim tapi lebih percaya kepada bomoh daripada takdir dan qada' dan qadar Ilahi. Memang bapak aku akan claim dari kau cukup cukup masa akhirat nanti bro!.

After mulling over it and having a family meeting, we decided that we shall skip Terengganu and go somewhere nearby, so off to Melaka we went instead. Melaka was scorching hot, Atuk was still weak and grumpy and Airiel was throwing tantrum after tantrum because obviously his father was not around. With nobody having fun, we decided that we should cut the holiday short and go home instead.

So, after checking out a day early, we wanted to go home, and Bonda was driving my car as my pregnancy was progressing and I couldn't really drive long distances anymore. And then as we were packing, Bonda accidentally locked us out of the car. And of all the days, today was the day I left the spare keys which were usually in my bag at home pulak!. Thank God the concierge at the Hatten Hotel got us a mechanic who could break into the car and open the door!. So after an hour, we were well on our way home.

We had reached the consensus that this was officially the worst vacation we have ever had.

And this week. I had a conversation with Airiel's teacher about how Airiel is progressing at school. Since I got pregnant, Airiel has been moody. After having a one on one chat with Airiel, he told me he was angry about 2 things, (1) mama having a baby in her tummy; and (2) Abah leaving him. And I asked the teacher whether he has mentioned anything about his father during school. And the teacher said that Airiel has said this in school:-

 'Semua org ada abah, Airiel sorang takde abah'

Apparently usually the rest of the kids get sent and picked up to and from the playschool by their fathers and I think this is why it is affecting him so much, his father rarely ever sends or picks him up from playschool.

How does a mother react to a statement like this?. I try and explain to him everyday that his father is at work and he is here as often as he can and I thought he was coping well. I didn't know that this actually upsets him so much sampai statement mcmtu pun boleh keluar. 

Sedih and susah hati thinking about this. No matter how hard I try to be both a mother and father to Airiel when Aries is away, I realise that it is not enough. I am NOT enough. I never will be. I am here, but I am not what he wants most. 

I think a lot of things, like how am I ever going to cope with 2 kids pining for their father? As you all know, another one is on the way kan. Mmg sgt susah hati.

And yesterday, Kak Lina and Abg Wan lost their baby via 'missed miscarriage'. Teringat miscarriage sendiri last year. Its tough. Moga Kak Lina and Abg Wan tabah.

Terkesan sungguh di hati.

Have a good week everyone. For those who have had a good or semi-good week, be thankful. As you can see, some of us may not be so lucky...