Friday, February 3, 2012

It's a man's world out there..

I don't know why most of my friends would tell me and ask for my advice when having any marital issues. Maybe they know from my blog that I have faced them before and as I have survived, they would want to know how.

A dear friend is going through some tough times and permanent changes in her life. I hope she is strong enough to go through it.

Honestly, I am baffled by the amount of broken families, cheating spouses and marital problems that I have encountered in the short period that I have been on this earth.

We see lectures in TV, radio and facebook about the responsibilities and/or duties of a woman but I find that there so very little talk about the responsibilities and/or duties of a man. Is it because when a female ustazah talks about the responsiblities of a man, people think she must be emotional? And why doesn't the ustaz talk about it more? Is it because he is a man? I don't know. Shouldn't the man be the focus, as they are the leaders and protectors and are supposed to lead us?

I don't know, I have seen families broken in front of my eyes because a husband forgets his financial responsibilities, his filial obligations, his role as a father. Tergila-gilakan perempuan yang bukan halal baginya sampai lupa segala. Mengejar harta-benda sampai lupa agama. Mahukan kebebasan dari keluarga yang melemaskan kononnya tapi tidak tahu batasannya.

A man once told me,  that a woman can forgive a cheating husband but a man cannot forgive a cheating wife because we are built differently. And I asked him, is that really so? How are we built differently? Does it mean that women feel less pain when she finds out her husband is having sex with another woman and/or women and the man feels more pain when he finds out that his wife is having sex with another man and/or men?

The man kept quiet. I am sure that he knows deep down, the pain felt for us females is the same as felt by the men. But why do we women stay? I don't know. Maybe we look at the faces of our children and cannot bear to have them grow up without a father. Would a man care about that? I mean if he divorces his wife, he wouldn't have the baggage of having to take care of this children. The ex-wife would. He could just remarry and start over. See your kids once a week, pay a monthly allowance (and some don't even do that). Pretty easy upkeep for a child you are supposed to be responsible for bringing into this world kan? Maybe that's why its easier for the men to leave as they have less to think about.

I tell my friends, whatever you do..make sure you have means to an income. Jangan duduk rumah sahaja harapkan suami. You know the man who shares your bed, the father of your many of them actually think housework is WORK? They come home, complain they're tired, sit themselves in front of the TV and they merely work a 12 hour day maximum. What about you, the housewife who works 24 hours, round the clock. Non-stop?

I had a friend whose husband looked down upon his wife and made a snide comment about her being a housewife. I told her to conduct a social experiment. I told her to start charging her husband for  everything she does. The husband said ok. So she charged what a dobi would charge for washing clothes, ironing of all the family's clothes. She charged normal gerai rates for all the food she cooked and the drinks she made. She charged standard house cleaner rates for all the housework that she did.

I told her to itemise everything and put it in an official bill to her husband and at the end of the week when the bill was presented to her husband, her husband looked at the itemised bill, popped his eyes and realised how he could not afford his wife had she charged him for everything that she did. He said sorry and has never made a comment about his wife being a housewife ever since. She tells me he is now very appreciative of what she does.

No guys, this is not about telling wives to berkira dengan suami, this is about getting husbands to wake up and appreciate what their wives do for them.

And so yes, I tell my friends to have an income. And one friend tells me of a new dilemma she faces after having an income. When she wants some duit belanja dari suami, you know what the suami says? 'Apa jadi dengan duit gaji hang bebanyak tu?' . So now, not only does she work and have to do housework. She gets no financial help from her husband because her husband uses the fact that she has a job to squeeze himself out of it.

Dari Abu Bakrah bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda:”suatu kaum tidak akan beruntung kerana mereka menyerahkan urusan-urusan mereka kepada wanita”. (H.R Bukhary, Tarmizi dan Nasa’i)

I almost fell off my chair. I tell my friend, then take what you need only without his knowledge. She almost fell of her chair hahaha.

Dari aisyah r.a berkata: sesungguhnya Hindun datang kepada Rasulullah lalu berkata: “wahai Rasulullah. Abu Sufyan adalah orang yang kikir dan tidak mahu memberikan kepadaku belanja yang cukup untukku dan anakku, sehingga terpaksa aku ambil dari hartanya tanpa pengetahuannya”. Lalu Baginda bersabda: “ambillah sekadar cukup untuk dirimu dan anakmu dengan wajar”. (H.R Bukhary dan Muslim)

Haa, lelaki di luar sana, jangan asyik pasal hadith dan ayat Quran pasal nak kahwin lagi satu jer ye. Ingat hadith ni sekali. Know that your wife can take your money without your knowledge for their needs and children's needs. Yang isteri plak, janganlah ambil melampau sgt. Asal cukup makan dan minum dan pakai anak-anak ok?

For the men who loves to keluar lewat-lewat malam untuk suka suki joli, tipu bini cakap pergi ceramah kat masjid tapi sebenarnya gi karaoke red box dengan God knows who:-

Dari Jabir: Nabi s.a.w melarang suami mengetuk pintu keluarganya pada malam hari,
melarang berkhianat kepada mereka atau mencari-cari kesalahan mereka. (H.R Muslim)

Haaa, balik rumah jgn dok jerit jerit marah bini suruh buka pintu. Dok menipu khianat bagai Nabi marah ok?

Sigh...I realise that we are living in a man's world. We have reversed all the work our revered Prophet has done to liberate and elevate women to a higher level and freedom. Years of cultural brainwash in a male dominated Malay society where the actions of a man are never questioned and where men, relishing in the position they have been afforded to, forgets that they were put there in the first place for a reason, and not just because of the fact that they are men.

I truly believe that the downfall of our society is due to faulty leaders, leaders of our country, leaders of our religion, leaders of society and leaders of our family. Jika tiada pemimpin yang berkaliber, yang arif hukum dan tanggungjawab mereka di sisi agama, bagaimana org di bawah pimpinan mahu mengikut? Who do they emulate? Who do they follow?

Kamu semua adalah penjaga dan kamu akan ditanya tentang jagaannya. Imam (pemerintah) adalah penjaga dan akan ditanya tentang jagaannya. Lelaki adalah penjaga keluarganya dan dia akan ditanya tentang jagaannya. Wanita adalah penjaga di rumah suaminya dan dia akan ditanya tentang jagaannya. Khadam adalah penjaga dan dia akan ditanya tentang jagaannya. Kamu semua adalah penjaga dan kamu akan ditanya tentang jagaan kamu.” Riwayat al-Bukhari dan Muslim daripada Abdullah bin Umar.

My girls, sama-samalah kita berdoa agar kita telah memilih imam yang baik sebagai suami kita yang dapat membimbing kita and our children dan tahu tanggungjawab mereka.

My boys, I hope that you will be the best husband, father, leader to the family, to the community, society and the country.