Dilemma of a Working Mother

Well, I know that the title of this post is a general one but I am just referring to myself actually..

My job is a demanding one, ( I thank God that the hours were not as bad as they were before) and at times when I am really busy, I am REALLY BUSY.

Last Saturday, Airiel already had a cough...Sunday, cough persisted but no fever.

I had a trial the coming Monday (which is scheduled to last until next Tuesday - if we are lucky)

So I left the house as 6.30 to make sure all documents were in order and all the relevant documents were brought to Court (all 4 boxes of em' together with 2 counsel bags and God knows what else - Thank God I was with a colleague)

Apparently Airiel was wheezing, Bonda took him to the clinic for a NEB session in the afternoon, and his fever spiked as well.

I could not get out of that trial, I just couldn't...

After the trial was adjourned to the next day, I went back to the office and left around 8.30 (early I might add with all the workload right now). At the same time Bonda, Nenda and Atok had already gerak to take Airiel to the clinic for another NEB session.

I drove Stevie at 170 km an hour to reach the clinic (which was at home) in 15 mins. And I cried all the way...

I am an "ABSENT" mother and that is just a FACT...I was not there when it mattered the most.

I tell Aries 'you are not around for our son'  and yet I am no better nor am I any different. And I am worse, at least Aries has an excuse. He lives 300 miles away. What freaking excuse do I have?

It kills me...from inside to out..

I have tried to balance being everything, being a good wife to Aries, a good daughter to Nenda and Atok, a good daughter in law to my MIL and FIL, a good sis to Kema and Bonda, a good and reliable employee to my bosses and I swear to God that I am trying my best to be the best mother to Airiel.

I do not know how to achieve all that... how do I balance all this? I really do not know... I am truly lost.

Yesterday was a sleepless night, sponging Airiel's body to get his fever down. Poor him, kena masuk ubat bontot untuk kebahkan demam.  I have a fever today but like everything that goes on when it comes to me, I ignore it. I am thinking, it ain't that serious until I land myself in the hospital. So I just blink and have 2 panadol actifast and move on.

As I have said before, on certain days I feel like I am running and functioning on pure adrenalin to get by.

But this is one day where I feel that everything is just tiring me down.

Idza Hajar sesungguhnya sangat penat.

Dear Allah, please give me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change, and the perseverance to change what I can...