Friday, February 8, 2013

The End of Akif's Journey - Hydrops

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anaïs Nin

I have been writing and deleting...writing and deleting this post since I first tried.

How do I go about describing the greatest love story of my life, the greatest love I have ever known? My love for my children, my love for Akif?

My Akif who was normal up until 6 months in my tummy, my Akif who after being diagnosed..I practically stopped my entire life in motion for? I stopped going to work, I stopped eating and practically only gained 3 kg throughout my pregnancy all in all  but I literally forced myself to eat for his sake. I was sensitive to his slightest movements, I spoke to him, I cried to him, I laughed with him, I told him stories, I read to him the entire Al-Quran in the span of one month...I prayed with him, for him.

I would drive in the car and drive around in Shah Alam and stop and show him places and say things like 'this is where Mama and Abah met' or 'this is where we used to study' or 'this is where we fell in love'. Airiel also learned to speak to Akif everyday.

Was it because I knew Akif was not going to make it? Did I know? A mother always knows I think...I knew for sure that night I had my dream about that beautiful place, I knew that this is where Akif was going to be, and that made me feel better.

After that, my prayer would be for Allah to prepare me for Akif leaving, not for Akif to be alive, but for me to be given the strength to let him go as a mother... that was what I prayed for. Yes, I knew Akif was not going to make it.

Akif was born on 2.2.2013 at 1.14p.m.. Fighting with all his might, he lived and fought right up until the very end and passed away about an hour later at 2.45p.m. Just like I said, he is strong like his mama ... he is a fighter just like his mama.

The day I was wheeled into the operating theatre for my emergency surgery, I spoke to him one last time and said 'Akif, you need to be strong and brave, not all battles can be won, but what matters is that we fought, and that we fought till the very lets go Akif and fight this one final round...Mama loves you no matter what...' and with those words, I felt one final kick before I went in.

And just like that, Akif is gone from my life.

How do you define love I wonder? Is it by how long you have loved and known someone? Can it be counted by the hours you have loved? I don't know... all I know is that in the short moments I have had with Akif, I felt the strongest love I have ever felt in my entire life. Often times, the people who claim to love us are the very ones who hurt and betray us, expect things from us which are just out of  our bounds to give.

The love I shared with Akif and Airiel is nothing like that, it asks for nothing in return, it does not hurt or disappoint, it does not lie nor betray. It does not expect perfection nor crave it. It is pure as can be.

The days that follow have not been easy, I have my ok days and my extremely dark days. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him.

Akif, mama will miss you everyday until the day mama meets you again. Mama hopes mama will be worthy enough of that chance.

Thank you for holding on for so long, thank you for being in mama's life even for a short moment. Thank you for being a fighter to the very end.

Mama loves you, always...


  1. *in tears". hugs idza. perseverance is indeed your forte.

  2. May Allah give you the strength to go on Idza. You're so brave and strong. *Hugs*

  3. Im just bawling my eyes out reading this. Be strong, idza. He is waiting for you at a better place.

  4. i can't help but to tear up reading this. i pray that Allah will make it easier for you to go thru this difficult time. A mother's love never dies. Stay strong!!! *hugs*

  5. I stumbled upon your blog while googling hospitals.. my warmest condolence to you.. Allah loves you.. be strong and my prayers are with you..

  6. You're such a wonderful mom..Akif will wait for u in Jannah..insyaAllah..:) be strong:)

  7. I rarely cry, but this post....

    Semoga kamu kuat...diberikan kekuatan olehNya. Akif menunggu mu...

  8. thank you everyone, it means a lot..boy, I miss him everyday

  9. I stumble into ur blog because i was looking fot confinement lady and i continue reading it because it is so damn interesting until a saddest news from you about ur son death, my condolonces for your lost, be strong insyallah everything God give us with a reason.

  10. Thank you elle. I appreciate it