A Wound That Can Never Heal

"To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity." -Soren Kierkegaard

I love sharing with my readers. I am glad my experience with hydrops have helped some malay readers of mine to join the respective support groups for comfort. I am glad I can answer their questions.

But there are turmoils in my life which are much too personal for me to share here. If I thought Akif's passing was the only thing that I have had to deal with, I was wrong. There have been more surprises, more heartbreak that I have had to face as well, all at one go.

Combined, I felt as if my entire universe was crumbling around me. That this will be the death of me for sure. That everything I knew, believed and trusted was one big lie. The betrayal I felt was beyond excruciating. Beyond any pain I have ever experienced. A knife permanently lodged in my heart.

Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia...

How I wish I could turn back time and make different decisions in my life, then perhaps I could have been spared all this grief. But it is too late for that. It is what it is. 

This is what I have to face. And face it I must.

I have a wound inside which I know will never heal. Because the circumstances of my life have been irretrievably changed, damaged, tainted. What I hold sacred and dearest to my heart for the past 10 years of my life, is sacred and dear to me no more.

May Allah give me strength to face something which I know I have not the strength to shoulder.

Amin