Friday, January 3, 2014

11 months...

"As soon as healing takes place, go out and heal somebody else" ~ Maya Angelou

I struggle as I write this.

Too many sad posts in this blog about grief and sadness. And I do not want 2014 to be about that anymore.

But I know some of my readers count on me to share my experiences and it gets them through their days. I remember the man I met who said that the wife reads my blog religiously to cope with the own death of her child.

I must let my pain be known for it to benefit others. And so I shall continue.

But I refuse to believe that pain represents all that is bad. I refuse to believe that it will crush me although on some days it surely feels like it. I refuse to believe that it will consume me although on some days I have to admit that it does.

I know now that all that I went through has made me wiser, has made me accept reality for what it is. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. Cliche but true. I know that I am stronger.

Yesterday marks 11 months since Akif left my life. I tried to keep myself busy, as busy as I can get. But there is that feeling in your gut that just won't go away. It tells me that something very important in my life is not here with me. It tells me that the loss I feel is real. It tells me that I shall be missing someone for the rest of my life. It tells me that I, as a mother has lost a child.

But let me tell you something.Whilst I had tears in my eyes all day. I did not simply burst into tears like previous months. I was able to blink them away. I was able to function. I was able to smile, laugh...I was able to connect with other people.

I survived. I am a survivor.

These days I look at things in a completely different light. I wake up super early for Subuh and watch the sun rise from my room window and I realise how beautiful it is. I go back to bed and wait for Airiel to come and kiss me awake, because its our tradition and I realise how awesome it is. I jog in the morning or at night and realise how much I love the clean air after the rain, and when it rains I actually realise how beautiful the rain is. 

Everything else has so much more meaning. Because there is joy in the little details and little things. Because there are miracles within them. 

Akif was such a miracle, because he only lived within me for 8 months and survived for an hour before passing, and yet I realised he has become such a part of me. Of my beating heart, of my mind, of my soul. The imprints he left in my heart, I will carry forever.

He has made me strong. 

All you mothers out there who have loved and lost. Be with me. We are strong. We can persevere. We can survive. There is no other option before us but surviving.

Our children are waiting for us in a beautiful place, and yes I know because I have seen it in my dreams...

Have a good weekend everyone.


  1. I sedih sangat baca these kind of entries, Idza. I can only imagine the heartache and emptiness you feel. Be strong, sweets. He is there waiting for you. One day, insyAllah.

  2. Thanks farah, I just miss him thats all. Kinda like when you are away from your kids, the kins for lets say a week for work, and you feel like you're gonna go crazy sbb rindu diorg... only for me I would have to wait until the end of all time to meet him again. Thats an awfully long time to miss someone...Sigh.. But I am getting better in coping. Insyaallah with time, I will be able to be ok...

  3. My eyes brimmed with tears and my nose started to hurt everytime I read about Akif and I don’t even know you personally and I don’t even have a child. I pray that Allah will bestow upon u abundance of His mercy from this test. That you will be reunited with Akif in the highest of Jannah. Amin. Amin.

  4. Hani : Thank you for your comment. It touches me that what I write can evoke so much emotion from someone who I have never met. I pray I will have the chance to meet Akif everyday. I owe him a hug and kiss!! May Allah grant me that chance. I hope to be able to stay with him too. trying to be the best muslim I can to strengthen the odds. Your comment made my day. Thank you and Amin to your prayers for me.