Thursday, May 23, 2013

That same dream...


Thank you for visiting mama in dreams. I told the Almighty how much I miss you, and to let me see you even if it is just in dreams.

And so I see you.

I am sitting outside a beautiful garden...I hear the sound of children laughing, or children reading the Quran...and I am outside. I cannot go inside.

And then you come out, you are about your big brother Airiel's age. You look just like ME! All fair and mata sepet and handsome and beautiful. And you give me the biggest, bestest hug Mama could ever have. Mama sits down, you sit on Mama's lap. And you just continue hugging me.

We don't speak but it just feels so great, to have you in my lap, with your arms around my neck. We sit with each other for ages it feels like. Mama hears the sound of a flowing river...the place is so beautiful but everytime Mama wakes up, mama can't seem to describe it, because it is not anything like Mama have ever seen on this Earth.

And then, you get up. And tears start forming in Mama's eyes, because Mama knows its time for you to go back, its time for you to leave Mama. You give me one final huge hug and then you whisper one sentence in Mama's ears... "Forgive him Mama, forgive him or he will never see me here...".

And then you run off into that beautiful garden. And Mama tries to follow and hold on to your hand, but Mama just wakes up.

This is how Mama meets you. Inilah cara Tuhan bagi Mama lepaskan rindu kat Akif.

It breaks Mama up Akif when Mama dreams of you. Mama is so happy Mama gets to hug you and be with you. But Mama doesn't know whether Mama can forgive Akif. And everytime Mama dreams of you, this is what you ask of me. Why? What if Mama does forgive? Does it mean you won't come in Mama's dreams anymore? Mama is just so scared.

Mama needs time, perhaps an entire lifetime to forgive Akif. What Mama went through, Mama wishes it on no one, for no woman should go through it, such burden and grief to bear.

Until the next time we meet, little Akif. Mama misses you so very much, everyday... all the time....

Thank you Allah for letting me see my son, for I miss him so...

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