Some people deal with just death of their children, some have other problems. I had to deal with both at the exact same time.
I can't eat the way I used to. I no longer enjoy food and I am no longer passionate about it the way I used to be. I'm sorry readers. This explains why there is less or no food posts for a while now. Colleagues in the office have to literally force me to eat. I survive on a pure diet of coffee and nothing else most of the time.
Sleep is a nightmare for me. I can only sleep when I am alone. I am plagued by nightmares, none of which I can remember when I wake up.
Babies, other babies, of friends, of relatives, of strangers.. born beautiful and healthy reduce me to tears most of the time. It's not that I get jealous or anything. It just reminds me of what I do not have.
It reminds me of how much I miss Akif. It reminds me that there are some things in my life that can no longer be fixed. That I do not want to hold on to it anymore. And yet people expect me to.
You know when Akif passed away, the doctors asked me if I wanted to see and hold him. I remember thinking to myself in the recovery room shivering from the anesthesia a mere hour after the c-sect "I just went through a c-sect, is he really gone?" ... and I said NO. I said, "it's ok". Because I knew that if I saw him, that if I held him, I would not be able to let him go, the doctors would have to get security to pry him away from me.
The exact reason as to why he died (a mother always knows you know), I just can't let it go. Mmg takdir tuhan dia akan pergi, but the reason why, sabit sebabnya dia meninggal, that I will never be able to accept. I will never forget, and forgiving is impossible.
I really do think that some things are beyond redemption, some mistakes too grave to move past. I am giving everything one last shot, to tell myself that I did try. But deep in my heart I know that some things in my life are simply over. And there is no going back. That the limit has been reached.
I pray to Allah for strength...I pray that from now on it can be just Him and me. I pray that one day I will have passion for food again, because I used to enjoy it so much. I pray that one day, my sleep will be free from nightmares. I pray that one day I will not look at every beautiful baby and feel this stab of pain to my heart. I pray that one day, I can find it in my heart to forgive.
But that day is not today. Not for a long time still...