A visit

I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. 

Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days ~ Victoria Hanley

Whenever I have the time...I come visit.

Visits are hard...

I still can't find the courage to look at proper headstones for his grave...more time is what I need maybe..

Until next time little Akif...

Online Shopping 2013 - More Tops

"That was the hard thing about grief, and the grieving. They spoke another language,

and the words we knew always fell short of what we wanted them to say" ~ Sarah Dessen

Hi readers,

Enough of the doom and gloom of my previous posts. I need to try and cheer myself up. At times of distress, what would Paris Hilton do?

Why, shop of course!! What a wise one she is...

Ok, back to my recent purchases.

These are actually the same tops which I bought and blogged about in this post. I loved the tops so much I am buying it in the rest of these colours too!

They are of course from EDZ.

Enjoy!

That same dream...

Akif,

Thank you for visiting mama in dreams. I told the Almighty how much I miss you, and to let me see you even if it is just in dreams.

And so I see you.

I am sitting outside a beautiful garden...I hear the sound of children laughing, or children reading the Quran...and I am outside. I cannot go inside.

And then you come out, you are about your big brother Airiel's age. You look just like ME! All fair and mata sepet and handsome and beautiful. And you give me the biggest, bestest hug Mama could ever have. Mama sits down, you sit on Mama's lap. And you just continue hugging me.

We don't speak but it just feels so great, to have you in my lap, with your arms around my neck. We sit with each other for ages it feels like. Mama hears the sound of a flowing river...the place is so beautiful but everytime Mama wakes up, mama can't seem to describe it, because it is not anything like Mama have ever seen on this Earth.

And then, you get up. And tears start forming in Mama's eyes, because Mama knows its time for you to go back, its time for you to leave Mama. You give me one final huge hug and then you whisper one sentence in Mama's ears... "Forgive him Mama, forgive him or he will never see me here...".

And then you run off into that beautiful garden. And Mama tries to follow and hold on to your hand, but Mama just wakes up.

This is how Mama meets you. Inilah cara Tuhan bagi Mama lepaskan rindu kat Akif.

It breaks Mama up Akif when Mama dreams of you. Mama is so happy Mama gets to hug you and be with you. But Mama doesn't know whether Mama can forgive Akif. And everytime Mama dreams of you, this is what you ask of me. Why? What if Mama does forgive? Does it mean you won't come in Mama's dreams anymore? Mama is just so scared.

Mama needs time, perhaps an entire lifetime to forgive Akif. What Mama went through, Mama wishes it on no one, for no woman should go through it, such burden and grief to bear.

Until the next time we meet, little Akif. Mama misses you so very much, everyday... all the time....

Thank you Allah for letting me see my son, for I miss him so...

Never Forget [Boycott Israel - Progress Update]

My boycott have gone on strong still alhamdulillah.

Please readers, Israel is counting on us forgetting the cause, forgetting the fight, forgetting those who struggle.

So don't forget.

This is not just a religious crusade, in fact it is far from that. Do you guys know that 1 out of 4 Palestinians are not even muslims? And yet they are massacred just the same. Because they are Palestinians. This is APARTHEID people. Plain and simple.

They (you  know who) think they are a superior race, more than that of any race on this earth.

Remember what Nelson Mandela (my idol) said about the Palestinian crisis:-

Never forget readers. Never forget that evil is real. It is out there. It kills women and children. It slaughters the innocent. It imprisons without cause, it sentences without due process.

It is real.

NEVER FORGET.

And so Aisha, Ummi will always remember. Always....

Bye Bye Google Reader... - Alternatives?

I was heartbroken to find out Google reader will be no more soon - 1st July that is. I have all my shopping information kept in there, marked things that caught my eye at first glance ... before going through them again and deciding what to buy.

Such is the life of an avid online shopper.

But fret not other google reader fans, there are alternatives that I have found I can rely on. And I list down my top 3.

No. 3
Pulse - This app. was launched on the Ipad and is great. It doesn't rely on google reader for it to sync to although you can sync it to google reader if you want and is great on its own. Give it a try


No. 2
The Old Reader - I love this reader because it is so very much like google reader in appearance and all, except for the fact that all my old marked posts were gone and I had to start fresh with marking! But with thousands of sites in my list, how the heck do you remember right?

No. 1
Feedly - This is the frontrunner for me. I absolutely love how it looks! And since it syncs with google reader, all your marked posts were there. I have been told that feedly will come up with a carbon copy of the google reader's API (kinda sorta the genetic makeup of how google reader works) so I am expecting a smooth transition on the 1st July.


Allright readers who use google reader. Have a go at these will you. I can sleep better knowing I will not lose all my subscriptions!

I am going to miss you Google Reader. We have had a beautiful relationship all these years. But all good things must come to an end. HUgssssss

Have a good weekend ahead readers.

I'm signing off for the week

Cerita Erina

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother... ~ Grey's Anatomy"

Only a mother who have lost a child themselves know the grief.

And yes I know, know too well that grief.

A fellow mother's story on how she lost her own child brings me to tears.

Read Erina's story.

Tears...

Dealing

I am starting to think that I might have an actual problem dealing with Akif's death and the problems in my life right now.

Some people deal with just death of their children, some have other problems. I had to deal with both at the exact same time.

I can't eat the way I used to. I no longer enjoy food and I am no longer passionate about it the way I used to be. I'm sorry readers. This explains why there is less or no food posts for a while now. Colleagues in the office have to literally force me to eat. I survive on a pure diet of coffee and nothing else most of the time.

Sleep is a nightmare for me. I can only sleep when I am alone. I am plagued by nightmares, none of which I can remember when I wake up.

Babies, other babies, of friends, of relatives, of strangers.. born beautiful and healthy reduce me to tears most of the time. It's not that I get jealous or anything. It just reminds me of what I do not have.

It reminds me of how much I miss Akif. It reminds me that there are some things in my life that can no longer be fixed. That I do not want to hold on to it anymore. And yet people expect me to.

You know when Akif passed away, the doctors asked me if I wanted to see and hold him. I remember thinking to myself in the recovery room shivering from the anesthesia  a mere hour after the c-sect "I just went through a c-sect, is he really gone?" ... and I said NO. I said, "it's ok". Because I knew that if I saw him, that if I held him, I would not be able to let him go, the doctors would have to get security to pry him away from me.

The exact reason as to why he died (a mother always knows you know), I just can't let it go. Mmg takdir tuhan dia akan pergi, but the reason why, sabit sebabnya dia meninggal, that I will never be able to accept. I will never forget, and forgiving is impossible.

I really do think that some things are beyond redemption, some mistakes too grave to move past. I am giving everything one last shot, to tell myself that I did try. But deep in my heart I know that some things in my life are simply over. And there is no going back. That the limit has been reached.

I pray to Allah for strength...I pray that from now on it can be just Him and me. I pray that one day I will have passion for food again, because I used to enjoy it so much. I pray that one day, my sleep will be free from nightmares. I pray that one day I will not look at every beautiful baby and feel this stab of pain to my heart. I pray that one day, I can find it in my heart to forgive.

But that day is not today. Not for a long time still...

Bag Obsession 2013 - Part 1

Hello all,

Just to share with you guys on the bag craze I have had in 2013 so far.

 Idylle Speedy 30. I usually hate the LV pattern bag thing. But I find this one quite pretty. Am planning to get the one in Fusain colour as well. That is pretty.

 This beautiful Celine Trapeze

This pretty Mulberry Bayswater in this hard to find colour

My longchamps from Italy!

Fuhh okay. Maybe I need to stop buying bags for a while. 

Alright, have a good rest of the week readers!

What is family?

What is family to me?

"When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family" ~ Jim Butcher

They are your heart, your soul, everything...

And then you have your other 'family' ... the ones you share no blood ties with, but they are your family nonetheless...

Congrats Sue, Deep is one lucky lucky guy! And he better know it!!

"You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn't depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family" ~ Trenton Lee Stewart

They are the ones who make you warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you all of you for existing in my life. You know who you are.

HUgsssss...

Have a good weekend readers.

P.S - Huda, apsal gamba ko dgn aku tak pernah ada ni weihh? Hehe

Just Nuts About Jeans - Part 4

Honestly, I can't remember how many parts of my jeans post la already.

It is a Friday and Airiel is off to Mars for GE13 and mama is stuck here in KL for a wedding and a bestie's engagement.

How I am going to miss my little man!

Anyways, back to my jeans obsession.

I bought myself these pair of jeans.

They are from James cured by Seun. So comfy!!!

Ok, work awaits. Tata!