Monday, August 12, 2013

Raya 2013 - Raw Reality

"Making a decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your
heart go walking around outside your body" - Elizabeth Stone

Raya 2013 is different to say the least.

And every raya after this one will never be the same. Atuk and Nenda waited until after visiting Akif before they went back to Kuala Kangsar. Atuk tells me he wanted to wait until I was gone to Mars before going off, but I knew...  I knew he wanted to visit Akif too.

My father, he buried Akif. He carried Akif on his lap from the hospital all the way to the cemetery. He kissed Akif before putting him in the liang lahad. There are times when Nenda tells me he would just burst into tears, missing Akif. Random moments, like when he is driving or when he is working on our fish pond at home. He would just cry and cry.

And me? I am different. So many things about me are no longer the same. I am no longer the same person I was before. That much I know.

Raya was hard for me. Akif's gravestone was up and ready and looks pretty. The graveyard was brimming with people. In a way I was glad that I wasn't alone. Entire families showed up to visit the grave of their child at the cemetery reserved for children.

I had Atuk, I had Nenda with me. I had family.

Going back to Mars was hard for me, because there were so many babies around it just intensified the feelings of loss that I had. The events are just too recent for me. Too raw...

Too painful..

Mama knows you're in a wonderful beautiful place little Akif. Somewhere Mama can't even enter in mama's dreams. Mama is only outside of it whenever you come and visit.

Mama misses you so very very much.

Salam Aidilfitri everyone. I hope it is not too late for me to wish you guys.

Take care

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