Cliche

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If she has to make a choice, may she make it now. Then I will either wait for her or forget her.” ― Paulo Coelho

As I am confronted by my own demons, I see my own friends being beset with theirs. Nothing is ever what it appears to be, and happiness is usually only skin deep.

I say to myself, is God trying to show me something by showing me all this? Is this a sign for something that I should do with my own life? I wish He would just write in capital letters in the clouds and tell me what is best for me and Airiel and my family, but things are never that simple...or clear. Sigh...

And I don't understand the concept of 'I've screwed up big time with my life and my family, let's go to umrah...'. Will that magically solve every problem you've caused upon yourself and your family? If you wanted to change something within yourself, is going to umrah going to help you make that change? Or is it something you have to decide for yourself? within yourself? I don't know...

Cliche... I find.

And I know most you will that this is also cliche, but its true when they say that your life really flashes before your eyes when you think you're going to die. When I was in surgery with Akif, and I thought that I would surely die of grief in the event that Akif dies, that's exactly what happened. Images flashed through my head, of all the times I had with Akif. How I spoke to him, laughed with him, read to him, cried for him. Images of me and the husband and the times we shared together. 

I am at a crossroads in my life. And I must decide which turn I must take.

May Allah help me.