Fly away

Nak terbang...terbang jauh-jauh...

Nak lari..run and never look back..

Nak mengalami amnesia permanent..

Boleh?

Lagu itu...seniman menangis...terngiang ngiang..

"Kalau kau berada di belakang tabir menyaksikan..

Kau akan melihat seniman ini menangis.."

Luka yang tak baik baik

When I started out with this blog, it was like an online diary for me. I wanted to record moments, jot down how I felt at certain moments for my own reading or my children's reading 50 years down the line.

This blog was and still is a personal thing for me...

When I realised that people are actually reading this blog, rasa mcm susah nak tulis personal posts untuk trash out perasaan yang ntah hape-hape..sigh..

This is one post that I have been meaning to write for quite a while now, but one which I struggle with nak tulis ke tak.

Nak mengaku diri sendiri ini seorang yg 'cemburu' bukannya senang...tapi baik ajelah mengaku...

I read rinie's post about how najmie was there for her during her labour and childbirth...the list goes on..kak lina and abg wan, ida and yen, hazri and his wife, the latest far and lan..and I have to admit... I felt a kick in the gut.

I was and still am jealous of you lucky gals.

Yepp you guessed it right, Aries was not around for my labour, and was not present during my harrowing experience watching Airiel's erratic heartbeat everytime I had my contraction, he did not see the fear I had in my eyes when the doctors told me my baby had fetal distress and if I did not agree to a c-sect, my baby would die.

He did not hold my hand or stroked my head to tell me everything was ok, he was not around to sign my c-sect forms for me and he was not the last face I saw before they wheeled me into the operating theatre..he did not make it.

As only your husband is allowed in the labour room, I was during all those times...alone.

I tell myself everyday since that day, that he must have been sorry and that the matter is done and gone, so I should let it go. The details of him not making it, biarlah I keep it to myself.

Yes, I have forgiven him for being absent. Forgetting that he was absent is a totally different matter.

I have tried but cannot. The horror of the experience is so etched in my mind that I still dream about it sometimes...sigh.

Luka yang tak baik baik..itulah istilah yang paling sesuai.

Just before the tears fall, I remember a song and the lyrics say:-

"I am not a princess

And this is not a fairy tale

I am not the one you'll sweep of her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This is not Hollywood

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you and I let myself down"

And I realise that I know how the singer felt and what singer meant when she wrote that song.

And the tears somehow stop before they fall, for I do not cry, not anymore, not since that day in that labour room when I realised how it felt to be truly alone.

Its ok, I am ok.. I just need to let this out and let it be over with. Life is to short for me to continue grieving...

This post is not meant to put Aries in a negative light, and I hope it won't. This post is about me facing my demons and putting the salve to a wound that have been festing for months and months.

I hope the girls out there yang suaminya berada bersama semasa saat-saat menyabung nyawa itu, bersyukur dan berterima kasih kepada suaminya. You do not know how lucky you really are. Only I would know that.

As I said before, reality is never kind, it is what it is.

I accept that.

But it does not mean that it would hurt me any less.

And I accept that too.

Moga luka akan sembuh soon.

Online shopping knowhow

Many of my readers have e-mailed me asking me how I keep track of all the blogshops I visit and how I keep track of my purchases as well. I use google reader as a very handy tool eheh...

Here is my online shopping knowhow guideline (cewwah!):-

A. You must first follow the blogshop. Only then will it show up in your google reader. To follow a blogshop (or any blog for that matter), this is the way:-

1. Make sure you have a gmail account (if you don't, create one);

2. Go to the desired blogshop. For this purpose I will use my blog as a sample.

3. You will see on the top right hand corner of the blog, like shown below, and click on the sign in tab;

4. Enter you gmail account details and sign in, you will then be taken back to the desired blogshop (if they don't take you back to the desired blogshop), type back the address. On the left hand corner, you see the 'follow' tab. Click on it.

5.This will come out, and you can opt to follow the blog anonymously or publicly, once you've made your choice, click follow.

6. You're all done! The screen below will come out..hehe

Alternatively, if the blog has the followers app, like this

just click on the follow tab, the same screen as above will appear and do the same as well. Voila! you're done!!

To keep track of all your online shopping websites

1. Go to the standard google website i.e. www.google.com.my;

2. If you haven't already signed in, do so like below

3. Once you've signed in, go to the top left hand corner, click on the reader tab, just like below.

4. This is how google reader will look like, and all the blogshops you follow will appear here, when the blogshops are updated, it will be shown in the 'New Items'. If you like something, put a star on it and it will appear on you 'starred items'. Easy peasy kan! Good luck!

Back to reality

Its back to work..sigh

Dates for the upcoming months are mostly filled up..so probably the only confirmed long leave I will be taking is December of every year..it might seem like a long way away..but time really flies..

I am very happy with my work now..but there is a nagging feeling that eats me up..and that is the fact that Aries is not around. The time when he arrives in front of this doorstep..shouts 'Hunny, I'm home' and then later whispers in my ear 'I'm home for good' is a day that I wait for..I can then say that I am truly happy and contented for only then can I say with conviction... 'yes, my life is indeed complete'.

But reality hits me..and I'm back where I am, alone.

I tell myself fate has a way of working things out, you know..the malays call it takdir. But deep down inside I struggle to believe that something good can come out of a husband who is separated from his family. Call me a pessimist..but I think the more accurate term would be that I am a realist 'instead'. This life of mine is real, this separation is real. This loneliness is real.

I face the bare facts...and I face it hard. The facts are never kind, they are what they are.

I am rambling here..I should stop. I know I will feel better tomorrow, when things get busy, you hardly remember what it is in life that pains you the most. But faked temporary amnesia is not a cure... and I won't pretend that it is.

I shall smile instead.

Makes sense?

It is not supposed to.

Goodnight

Cardi craze...

Sorrows put aside..I am ready to blog about more positive things and that would of course be...shopping!!!

As per my post title..I am cardi crazy.. to me it completes my outfit...maklumla.. I have so many sleeveless tops tp diri ini menutup aurat..so mana bleh pakai tops tu mcm tu je kan..kenala cover dgn cardi. I have mostly all the basic colours tapi plan on getting summore.

Buying them online makes it so easy-peasy. Recently I've bought these:-

I bought these cardigans at Attire Attic, and the pics above are courtesy of Attire Attic as well. Cardigans aside, I buy must of my tops and dresses (which I will then alter to convert them into tops) here. The clothes fit me well and when they say the material is top notch quality, I find it to be true (unlike some blogshops which have the heart to tell a flat out lie about the materials).

Hop on over to take a look.

Dan separuh nyawa ini pergi

Aries dah bertolak balik ke Johor hari ni..byk keje menunggu after 1 week hols.

I am distraught..

Shall not elaborate more.

Will update on more positive things once I am feeling better.

Sigh