Time

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognise the person you see there..." ~ Sarah Dessen

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

From the outset, I would like to state that this post is about my angel kids, the children I have lost. 

Akif and Aisha, this one is for you.

Every single year, and how long has it been? Akif would have been 4, Aisha would have been 10, I would be shrouded in darkness. I just go deeper and deeper into it, not being able to get out.

I remember the devastating email that came from Palestine informing me I had lost may daughter. 

I remember that at this time during the year in 2012, I stopped going to work. I was in and out of hospitals, the days I was not, I would be in a coffee shop, counting kicks, noting it down in my book. Hoping for life, but as a mom, inevitably knowing that death was near.

To be honest the images, they get more clouded, less clear every year. But the feelings, that somehow remains the same. 

I keep on waiting and waiting for  the feelings to subside, to die down, to numb but years on I have to say that I felt as much grief now as I did years ago.

I am surrounded by people that I love, that love me and my, I am blessed. 

But the void, it never truly goes away. I try to keep myself busy, but there are times I wonder how this little boy would look like had he lived. How I would be preparing for playschool for him now. How maybe he would look like his big brother. How he would drive me crazy with his antics. How this, how that...

I wonder whether Aisha would have lived to obtain a permit to leave Gaza and come visit her ummi all the way in Malaysia. I heard almost her entire family is gone now. None living past the age of 40. 

And it feels the same. It hurts just the same as it did when it happened.

What is it am I supposed to do now? How long is this grief thing supposed to take? Because to be honest I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am sick of walking around with the weight of all this grief, with the memories that haunt me while I wake.

Every single damn end of the year.

There is always a phrase that haunts me in my dreams these few months, and I stop sleeping, I stop eating, I stop living. That phrase that screams out loud inside my head.

"I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T SAVE YOU..."

I am so sorry kids. I tried. I did everything I could. It just was not meant to be.

I wish I could hear them say it, that they forgive me. Then maybe I could forgive myself. 

Maybe. 

Maybe one day.

Not today. 

Not for a long time yet.

Akif's journey can be read here.