Sunday, March 20, 2016

Airiel is 7

"I know you loved both he and I, the way a mother can love 2 sons. And no one should be judged for loving more than they ought, only for loving not enough..." ~ Catherynne M. Valente

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Hello Airiel.

May you read this blog one day and see the posts I have written with your name. Posts I have written in the name of my love for you.

Today you turned 7.

Always, when you get a year older I get emotional. I am happy, I am sad, I brim with tears, I burst into pearls of laughter.

What a treat it was staying in a hotel room just you and me. We had our own beds, but at 2.00 am you groggily came and hopped into bed with me. And cuddled and hugged me. And kissed me on the cheek until you fell asleep again. I know it was 2.00 am and the bed was too small for 2 people but I just woke up and was so happy you did that and at the same time I just cried and cried and cried. I wondered to myself, how long is my son going to think I am his world? That I can make everything okay? That I am also to blame for everything? (haha, the irony right?).

I hope of all the things I have done wrong in my life, and in this world, I did right by you. I try to do that everyday. I constantly worry of whether I am being strict enough, or loving enough, or caring enough, or whether I am too busy, or whether I am not spending enough time with you.

When I try to remember how life was before you were born, I honestly can say I can't remember anything. That is how much you have changed my life, how monumental your presence have been. Everything else pales in comparison. Cliche, but true.

Its  the way you look at me, its the way you cling to me. How long will this last? I don't know. Maybe until you get yourself a girlfriend or wife. Such is the cycle of life. But whatever time I have, however long it may be, I cherish it. Is that not what your brother Akif taught me? That life should be lived one day at a time. That we live on borrowed time. The time we have, you and I. I will always cherish.

Read this one day my little Airiel, and know that I love you very very much.

Be a good son to your father and I. Be a good servant to the Almighty. Be a good nephew to Bonda and Maksu. Be a good grandson to Nenda, Atok and Opah. Be a good human being to everyone you meet. Be kind. Be who you are meant to be, my son. 

Much love from Mama.

* Photo : - JayIsmailPhotography
* Scarf :- Benang Hijau
* Dress :- FabulousHeejabBoutique

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