Luka yang tak baik baik

When I started out with this blog, it was like an online diary for me. I wanted to record moments, jot down how I felt at certain moments for my own reading or my children's reading 50 years down the line.

This blog was and still is a personal thing for me...

When I realised that people are actually reading this blog, rasa mcm susah nak tulis personal posts untuk trash out perasaan yang ntah hape-hape..sigh..

This is one post that I have been meaning to write for quite a while now, but one which I struggle with nak tulis ke tak.

Nak mengaku diri sendiri ini seorang yg 'cemburu' bukannya senang...tapi baik ajelah mengaku...

I read rinie's post about how najmie was there for her during her labour and childbirth...the list goes on..kak lina and abg wan, ida and yen, hazri and his wife, the latest far and lan..and I have to admit... I felt a kick in the gut.

I was and still am jealous of you lucky gals.

Yepp you guessed it right, Aries was not around for my labour, and was not present during my harrowing experience watching Airiel's erratic heartbeat everytime I had my contraction, he did not see the fear I had in my eyes when the doctors told me my baby had fetal distress and if I did not agree to a c-sect, my baby would die.

He did not hold my hand or stroked my head to tell me everything was ok, he was not around to sign my c-sect forms for me and he was not the last face I saw before they wheeled me into the operating theatre..he did not make it.

As only your husband is allowed in the labour room, I was during all those times...alone.

I tell myself everyday since that day, that he must have been sorry and that the matter is done and gone, so I should let it go. The details of him not making it, biarlah I keep it to myself.

Yes, I have forgiven him for being absent. Forgetting that he was absent is a totally different matter.

I have tried but cannot. The horror of the experience is so etched in my mind that I still dream about it sometimes...sigh.

Luka yang tak baik baik..itulah istilah yang paling sesuai.

Just before the tears fall, I remember a song and the lyrics say:-

"I am not a princess

And this is not a fairy tale

I am not the one you'll sweep of her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

This is not Hollywood

This is a small town

I was a dreamer before you and I let myself down"

And I realise that I know how the singer felt and what singer meant when she wrote that song.

And the tears somehow stop before they fall, for I do not cry, not anymore, not since that day in that labour room when I realised how it felt to be truly alone.

Its ok, I am ok.. I just need to let this out and let it be over with. Life is to short for me to continue grieving...

This post is not meant to put Aries in a negative light, and I hope it won't. This post is about me facing my demons and putting the salve to a wound that have been festing for months and months.

I hope the girls out there yang suaminya berada bersama semasa saat-saat menyabung nyawa itu, bersyukur dan berterima kasih kepada suaminya. You do not know how lucky you really are. Only I would know that.

As I said before, reality is never kind, it is what it is.

I accept that.

But it does not mean that it would hurt me any less.

And I accept that too.

Moga luka akan sembuh soon.