Salam Aidilfitri 2016

"Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them..." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Salam Aidilfitri 2016 to all Muslims in the world!

Last year I spent my Aidilfitri in Turkiye. This year I decided to stick around in the country and beraya di kampung.

Airiel went back to his father's village.

I went back to Sungai Siput and Kuala Kangsar.

Despite missing Airiel terribly, I realised I have pretty much adapted to this new tradition.

1st raya in KL when I visit Akif's grave.

Airiel will beraya with his father.

I am well adjusted and extremely happy with my life. Who would have thought I would have said this 2-3 years ago? But I have learned that time can heal wounds, the scars make you wiser, the healing forges old relationships and becomes the foundation of new ones.

I cherish Airiel, not everybody has the privilege of having kids.

I miss Akif, but I accept his passing and is content with the fact that he is heaven. Not everybody has the privilege to have all their kids with them at all.

I am in a good co-parenting relationship with Airiel's father and for this I am grateful. Not everybody has that privilege after going their separate ways in a marriage. I am hoping it gets even better with time and pray that it will last.

There are many things to mourn over, and yet there are so many things to rejoice in and be happy about.

I am excited about my family's NGO, we plan on helping, one life at a time. It is so true when people say 'Without suffering there is no compassion'. I find this to be so true. Without what I have been through, or what the family has gone through, I doubt that this NGO would have been born, or that I will feel so strongly about making a difference, no matter how small and be so determined to do it.

So watch this space for upcoming projects!

And last but not least. A meme!! A RAYA meme hahaha.

Wakakaka.

Damn straight!

I am also excited about this new Korean product which I have been using that is AWESOME.

Wait for it. Maybe I will update this next week kalau ada masa.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Aidiladha - From now onwards

"I try to live life so that I can live with myself" - John Green

Reminiscing a year or 2 ago, I would never have thought that my life would turn out the way it did. What was Aidiladha to me 2 years ago? Honestly I cannot remember much of the past. 

But it was mostly filled with laughter, with family. I would always dress Airiel up for raya. There would have been a picture taken of my little family. That was the routine. That was the norm.

With Akif's passing, I have a new routine every raya. A new norm. A new normal. I must visit him the first day of Raya, be it Aidilfitri or Aidiladha. I do not have Airiel with me for most festive seasons and I am happy he goes back to his kampung in Kelantan as he would have the company of his cousins. But I miss him terribly, not used to not having him around me even for a day. 

The graveyard was packed to the brim today. Business was booming as people were selling flowers, water, even umbrellas. 

I do not feel as lonely when I visit Akif during festive season as I would see other parents visit their angel children. They are like me. I am not alone. And neither are they. They hurt as much as I do. Their tears flow just like mine. As they walk away, they would pause, turn their head around and give one last look at the graveyard specially reserved for children, forlorn, with longing, holding back the tears. It gives me an idea of how I must look like when I do exactly the same every week.

Will it ever get easier I wonder?

Sabda Rasullulah ketika mengalirkan airmata setelah kematian anaknya, Ibrahim - "Sesungguhnya mata itu menangis, hati pula bersedih, kami tidak mengatakan kecuali apa yang diredhakan oleh Tuhan kami, dan kami semua disebabkan perpisahan dengan kamu ini, Ya Ibrahim (anak Nabi SAW) teramatlah sedih” (HSR Bukhari No. Hadis 1220) ‪#‎inmemoryofakif‬

I don't know the answer to whether it would get easier.

I hope it would.

Salam Aidiladha readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Raya 2013 - Raw Reality

"Making a decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your

heart go walking around outside your body" - Elizabeth Stone

Raya 2013 is different to say the least.

And every raya after this one will never be the same. Atuk and Nenda waited until after visiting Akif before they went back to Kuala Kangsar. Atuk tells me he wanted to wait until I was gone to Mars before going off, but I knew...  I knew he wanted to visit Akif too.

My father, he buried Akif. He carried Akif on his lap from the hospital all the way to the cemetery. He kissed Akif before putting him in the liang lahad. There are times when Nenda tells me he would just burst into tears, missing Akif. Random moments, like when he is driving or when he is working on our fish pond at home. He would just cry and cry.

And me? I am different. So many things about me are no longer the same. I am no longer the same person I was before. That much I know.

Raya was hard for me. Akif's gravestone was up and ready and looks pretty. The graveyard was brimming with people. In a way I was glad that I wasn't alone. Entire families showed up to visit the grave of their child at the cemetery reserved for children.

I had Atuk, I had Nenda with me. I had family.

Going back to Mars was hard for me, because there were so many babies around it just intensified the feelings of loss that I had. The events are just too recent for me. Too raw...

Too painful..

Mama knows you're in a wonderful beautiful place little Akif. Somewhere Mama can't even enter in mama's dreams. Mama is only outside of it whenever you come and visit.

Mama misses you so very very much.

Salam Aidilfitri everyone. I hope it is not too late for me to wish you guys.

Take care

Raya Shopping 2013

"When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again.It's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed" - John Green 

Hi All,

How are things nearing raya?

Raya is going to be tough for me this year. I am creating a new tradition for myself. Staying in KL and visiting Akif every year before I go anywhere else.

I must, if not I will miss him for the rest of the raya holidays. It just feels so morbid but I need to suck it up.

Anyways, I just bought something for myself for raya.

I figured with all the crap I have gone through, some retail therapy was in order. I have also figured that I really need a cabinet for all my bags now.

I love my bags, looking at them makes me happy. Does that make sense? Hehe.

Later readers. A lot of work awaits.

Salam Aidilfitri

Hello Everyone,

I have been extremely unwell in the first trimester and suffered a bit of bleeding recently. Thank God the baby was safe.

As a result, I cannot travel... at least not until after September when the 1st trimester passes. Its so sad tak dapat beraya di Sg. Siput or Kelantan. And I feel so bad sbb Nenda and Bonda chose to stay with me here in KL and not balik kampung. Aries and Airiel pun terpaksa spend 1st raya sini. So sedey.

Salam Aidilfitri to friends, foes, relatives who I know reads this blog (I can track your IP's remember? *grin*). Boy I miss how we were when we were kids and moyang was still around in Kota Lama Kiri. Things are a lot simpler when we were kids. Truly, skinned knees and mercun injuries are easier to heal than broken hearts.

From the bottom of my heart. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Be safe on the road.

Memories during raya

Ok, malas lagi nak berkabung... life goes on. I am thinking of making the blog private for perhaps a year...we'll see how it goes.

Our family tak byk pon tangkap gambar during raya and I forgot my camcorder..(blehtak?)

The only pics taken were these...

Fun fun fun it was!

A Spade is A Spade after all...

I have to admit, Raya celebrations are fun only for the kids, and you feel a sense of enjoyment because you see how much your kids enjoy Raya.

My son had fun putting on a Baju Melayu which matches Aries to a T.

My son had fun playing with his cousins at the in laws...

My son was so excited to get duit raya, he would be saying, 'nak duit' to me and Aries...aduyai.

But honestly, holidays are stressful for me.

I hate going back to my grandma's house. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and miss her a lot, but everytime I go back, I wince when I see that:-

1. There is absolutely no food in her house, by NO food I mean NO beras, NO belacan, NO ikan, NO Ayam, NO Daging, NO telur, NO cili, NO kuih raya, NO basic necessities for my Grandma to eat, to sustain herself. NO NOTHING. If it was you, would tears not well up in your eyes? I shake my head and beristighfar and wonder, apa dosa nenekku sampai macamni layanan anak anaknya padanya?

2. I don't like to bear witness to the fact that she has to recycle her own diapers, by that I mean, re-wearing already soiled ones... I can hear my own heart break into a million pieces and I struggle to understand why these things never cross my grandmother's children minds? Apa jadi dengan duit yang dimasukkan ayah ke akaun opah setiap bulan? Mana pergi duit itu? Siapa yang makan duit tu?

3. I hate seeing my father sitting in a corner, tears in his eyes looking at his mother, with a defeated look on his face. Like he cannot do more than what he has already done to take care of his mother. I know he wants to take my grandmother back to KL, but the last time we did that, my crazy aunt came to my house while we were at work and had a crazy fit in front of my maids..so lupakan jelah kan.

4. I hate the fact that when me and my sister work overtime and set aside money to buy groceries for my grandmother every month, my CRAZY aunt goes on her usual crazy rampage and says cynical things like 'Biarlah diorg beli semuanya, bukan diorg banyak duit ke? Sorang doktor, sorang loyer...'. I mean WTF? Apala nasib malang opah aku dapat anak mcmni? For your information crazy aunt 'Kami tak banyak duit, tapi kami murah rezeki sebab kami tak pernah kedekut dengan org, kami taat kepada ibubapa dan suami kami dan cuba untuk menggembirakan mereka dan kami sanggup berpuasa jika tiada duit selepas membeli keperluan opah dari duit kami sendiri, ko tuh apa ada selain mulut celupar kau?' . That is the reality... and  I think to myself, patutla duit mereka-mereka ini tak pernah cukup, rezeki pun ciput, sbb dengan mak sendiri pon berkira duit. Apalah guna sembahyang tunggang tonggek, berulang ke masjid, beri ceramah dengan kopiah meninggi dan tudung melabuh, sekiranya mak sendiri tiada benda nak makan kat rumah...?

4. I hate the fact that I am bound by cultures and norms of this society to speak out against my grandmother's children simply because they are older. That is why... as much as possible, I try not to meet them. I cannot look at them in the eye with anything less than disdain. I saw through their facade of kopiahs and tudung labuh a long time ago, bila my crazy aunt fitnah ibu dan bapaku kata mereka tak jemputnya ke kenduri kahwin aku, padahal she was the first one to get the invite which my parents sent by hand!!!, bila my uncles believed her in toto and sidelined my father, bila one of my uncles had the audacity to message my father and my sister saying that my akad nikah tak sah, whilst I was on honeymoon consummating my marriage! Mala Fide ini semua!!! If he really thought so, kenapa lepas akad nikah tak terus bgtahu views dia sbg seorang ustaz tersohor? Kenapa nak tunggu 2, 3 hari selepas itu? What is he implying? That my son is a bastard??? Clearly older does not mean better, nor wiser!

Ini memang membuka pekung di dada, but this issue has been tearing at my soul for some years now, and I need to bury the skeletons in my closet before it consumes me. This shall be the last time I shall write about this. It is time to let things go and move on. I have always harboured the belief that people can change for the better and it is fair to give them chances, but over the years I have learned that sometimes you have to realise and know people for who they really are. A spade is a spade after all kan?

To me, balik ke kedua-dua kampung, rasa sayu dan insaf di jiwa. I pray that when I am old, I am not treated the way my grandmother has been treated. I pray that Aries does not repeat the mistakes of his father.  I hope to make both my inlaws and parents happy. Dan juga melakukan apa yang termampu untuk opah. Berbakti kepada mereka selagi termampu dan ada nyawa. InsyaAllah.

Right now telah memasang niat dan tekad to kumpul duit for the following things next year. InsyaAllah dengan memasang niat, Allah akan murahkan rezeki:-

1. To enlarge rumah in-laws supaya lebih selesa ketika berkumpul; and
2. To buy mum's dream car for her and my dad as a gift.

InsyaAllah.

Aidilfitri 2011

This post is being uploaded live on location from Tanah Merah, Kelantan aka Mars!

Salam Aidilfitri to friends, family and foe alike from me, Aries and Airiel.

May Allah bless and forgive us all.

InsyaAllah dapat jumpa di Syawal 2012 pula.

Stay safe on the road!

Aidiladha in JB

Aries tak dapat cuti...so I came down to JB instead..Airiel pulak raya di KL bersama nenda, bonda and atuk...

Alangkah sunyinya beraya berdua sahaja...

Have not been to JB in quite a while...and during my 2 day 1 night stint, I immediately remembered why I left in the first place...

We went to watch Harry Potter and believe it or not, these things happened inside the cinema:-

1.  2 sets of parents brought their babies into the cinema...the babies could not have been more than 2 months old from the looks of it.  Whenever there was a dramatic scene, the babies would be disturbed by the loud sounds and cry. I mean, I ain't no doctor but I would have thought that exposing such loud sounds to barely 2 months old babies would damage their hearing... when i just got pregnant in JB, i remember going to a movie and seeing the same thing...is this the norm here?

2.  Just before the movie started an older chinese woman and younger chinese male teenager who was seated side by side got themselves into a heated argument... it was so bad that the woman was screaming obscenities and the male kept screaming 'shut up'. I felt like screaming myself; and

3.  The movie attendants actually asked me for my ticket in the middle of the movie because 2 teens claim we took their seats. I was so angry. I asked the attendant to check their tickets first...but NO, he still wanted to take mine. When he checked theirs (which he should have done first anyway) he found that the movie tickets they bought was for the 12.15 movie while mine was at 11.45. Idiot!!! Andthese teens came in at 12.15 claiming we took their seats. Helo tak baca tiket sendiri ke ngok!!!

4.  In the rush to find my movie tickets which was buried somewhere inside my huge handbag..I dropped the parking ticket and Aries ended up having to pay 25 for the lost ticket..!!!

ONLY IN JB I tell you!!!!

Aside from remembering why I hate the place, I also remembered the parts that made the place bearable i.e. the FOOD!!!

Senibong

Botak's Place

As I was flying back home to my Airiel, I saw the most breathtaking view from the plane (taken with my Iphone):-

"Then which of the favours of your Lord will you deny?..."

[Surah Ar- Rahman 55:58]

MasyaAllah....

Aidiladha

Just taking a moment to wish everyone Aidiladha.

Moga kita dapat menjadi hamba yang lebih baik kepada yang Maha Esa.

Ingat ...yang jaga rezeki kita hanya DIA..bukannya someone that claims  'tengok...kalau kau baik dengan aku...hidup ko senang...kalau aku tak suka engkau....apa jadi...bla bla'

Nope, definitely not YOU. Harap-harap terbuka hatinya untuk dia sedar yang dia juga sebenarnya adalah 'hamba' sahaja.

Seperti kata-kata Kak Thalha...kami takkan membalas dosa dengan dosa...tapi dengan doa. Amin

Ohh, I cannot seem to get these words out of my head 'So...you are delegating matters upwards is it..?' Haha... Adui...

Word!!!

Back to reality

Yes, yes..

Raya holidays are coming to an end...and it will be back to work soon..

Detailed updates will come later...

This post is about "post-raya blues" that I am currently suffering right now hahaha

My hands are itching to buy something online..as usual..

Ohhh ..and HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUDA!!!

Awak dah tua and bakal jadi mak orang tahu? Hehehe..

Crunch Mode

Tomorrow is my last day before I go on leave for Raya ..

Going off to Mars this year..well jarangpun balik Perak these days. My parents pun duduk KL je.. and I stay with them..and balik Kelantan pun brape kali jer setahun, so most major perayaan, lama kat in-laws.

Not that I am complaining... I actually like my in-laws, not judgmental, knows that I am a working mom and is as tired (if not more) than Aries sebab kerja and jaga anak lagi...so tak pester me memeruk ke dapur aje..kalau balik kampung sendiri...byk isu tau, malas nak criter...kalau sampai my wedding pon my Perak family punya side kecoh (most of them but not all) ada hati nak suruh family kami asingkan guests lelaki perempuan time my wedding (aper kes ni?) and tak bagi main mainstream music (nasyid only k? tak kisahla tu, tapi takleh campur skali ker? Ish..) then go figure la kan...

Statement paling tak boleh tahan. Them saying to my parents 'your daughters are WESTERNISED' . For those who know me la kan...am I really? Honestly do they know what is the meaning of the word? Itulah yg malas tu.. gila malas nak bertandang ke sana dan tgk org-org yang kononnya sangat EASTERNISED la kan... hahaha

Apa agaknye reasoning? Well maybe:-

(a) I speak English fluently, but c'mon how can that be a reason? I speak Arabic as well laaa!;

(b) I spent most of my childhood in UK where mum was studying and working at the time (so what?, this does not mean anything at all);

(c) I speak my mind. Now this was what my uncles said to my parents. Me and my siblings are too 'vocal' in voicing our opinions. I do not think being confident in your thoughts, views and beliefs are 'western' principles. In fact, it was my parents who instilled me these values and who taught me to be independent, strong and to always stand up for what you believe in; and

(d) Dressing? Now this cannot be the reason at all. 100% of my office attire consist of baju kurung. I wear and do so proudly, a headscarf;

So I am lost on this .. but anyways..because of this 'misunderstanding' as they would term it or what I would call 'shallow mindedness', we have not spoken to each other since my wedding kot....sad but true..so Aries does not really recognise any of my side's relatives (I am referring to my father's side). Sigh...

Ish..dah lari topik..but anyways..I am frantically trying finish off work before the leave. I have got one major piece of work done tapi bertimbun lagi ni yg lain... Lepas raya no cuti..tentatively ada trial right lepas raya i.e. 13 haribulan which should go on for a week.. and another one right after that from 20th onwards...get the picture? Penatlaaaaa....thank God I love my job. So Alhamdulillah in that sense.

Alhamdulillah murah rezeki Aries sejak practise ni...so kami tgh tersenyum happie ni...

Lalalalalala....

This may be my last post before Raya so I would like to say:-

"Salam Aidilfitri buat semua, ampun zahir dan batin ingin dipinta..."

Raya Prep for the little one

Last year.. Airiel masih di dalam perut ketika beraya..so no preparations la kan.

This year..mestilah beli sikit sebanyak.

Things I have bought for him so far:-

This is from LilMonBebe

This is from ShopDJari

Tahun ni tak dapat beraya sgt sbb I have trial right after raya.

2 actually.

Sigh... Ntah Airiel akan pakai ke tak baju ni..sbb kat Tanah Merah panas. Maybe kalau open house kat sini je kot.

Tahun lepas I did not even wear my baju raya pon kat sana. Dok rileks di rumah. Hehe

Aidilfitri 2009

Tahun ni first time beraya sebagai ibu, 2nd time sebagai isteri..

Penat wooo..kereta penuh dgn barang anak je tahun ni hehe..

Krisis famili sebelah ayah semakin meruncing nampaknye..so raya pun tak sama mcm dulu..

Honestly, lagi seronok beraya di rumah mentua..everyone is just so pleasant..

Baju raya bebanyak pun tak berpakai je..relaks je di rumah mentua..

Next week dah keje..obviously mood tak nak keje je memanjang..

Harap next year masih bernyawa untuk beraya bersama aries, airiel and family

Insyaallah