Airiel is 7

"I know you loved both he and I, the way a mother can love 2 sons. And no one should be judged for loving more than they ought, only for loving not enough..." ~ Catherynne M. Valente

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Hello Airiel.

May you read this blog one day and see the posts I have written with your name. Posts I have written in the name of my love for you.

Today you turned 7.

Always, when you get a year older I get emotional. I am happy, I am sad, I brim with tears, I burst into pearls of laughter.

What a treat it was staying in a hotel room just you and me. We had our own beds, but at 2.00 am you groggily came and hopped into bed with me. And cuddled and hugged me. And kissed me on the cheek until you fell asleep again. I know it was 2.00 am and the bed was too small for 2 people but I just woke up and was so happy you did that and at the same time I just cried and cried and cried. I wondered to myself, how long is my son going to think I am his world? That I can make everything okay? That I am also to blame for everything? (haha, the irony right?).

I hope of all the things I have done wrong in my life, and in this world, I did right by you. I try to do that everyday. I constantly worry of whether I am being strict enough, or loving enough, or caring enough, or whether I am too busy, or whether I am not spending enough time with you.

When I try to remember how life was before you were born, I honestly can say I can't remember anything. That is how much you have changed my life, how monumental your presence have been. Everything else pales in comparison. Cliche, but true.

Its  the way you look at me, its the way you cling to me. How long will this last? I don't know. Maybe until you get yourself a girlfriend or wife. Such is the cycle of life. But whatever time I have, however long it may be, I cherish it. Is that not what your brother Akif taught me? That life should be lived one day at a time. That we live on borrowed time. The time we have, you and I. I will always cherish.

Read this one day my little Airiel, and know that I love you very very much.

Be a good son to your father and I. Be a good servant to the Almighty. Be a good nephew to Bonda and Maksu. Be a good grandson to Nenda, Atok and Opah. Be a good human being to everyone you meet. Be kind. Be who you are meant to be, my son. 

Much love from Mama.

* Photo : - JayIsmailPhotography

* Scarf :- Benang Hijau

* Dress :- FabulousHeejabBoutique

 

Ceritera Cinta Mama - Airiel turns 5

"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." ~ C. Joybell

My dearest Airiel, 

I hope you will one day read this. You turn 5 tomorrow. Tick tock tick tock. We packed your gift packs together tonight and you loved the stationary I chose for your friends. You reserved your favourites for your best buddy Tayrell. You were super excited about your ice cream cake that I bought for you to cut tomorrow in school.

I do not believe in extravagant parties Airiel, so this is the closest you are going to get to having one.

Your happiness and excitement is contagious. And I laughed away. But there is a yearning and a certain heaviness in my heart. I want to tell you what my heart wants to say.

I honestly can't remember how life was like before you came along into my life. But every moment since you were born is crystal clear. I remember everything. How you cried the loudest in the ward when you were born. How you would crumple your nose before you begin to cry. How you did not sleep for 3 months at one time and drove Nenda, Atuk, Opah and I absolutely bonkers. How I would dress you up in these hilarious rompers and take funny pictures. How at one time you would only want to sleep on my lap and would not fall asleep anywhere else, that time you were so small you could actually fit on my lap.

Your tiger style of crawling, your first steps, your first word, your funny way of sleeping, your smell.

Those images are like a slideshow playing in my head. My heart just grows bigger and bigger, trying to contain a flooding of emotion I cannot comprehend or understand. I feel so much love it overwhelms me sometimes. 

I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you as my constant companion throughout these years. Things have changed, circumstances altered, but if there is one thing constant, it is that I will always be beside you, as you are beside me...a quiet presence, radiating love that heals me from within. 

I want to tell you how sorry I am, because I could not give you what you deserved. I could not give you a family that was complete. I hope one day when you are older, you will understand the extreme circumstances that I had to face before I made the decision that changed our lives forever. That what happened was never your fault. 

I want you to know that you were born out of love, and you live as a symbol of love that will forever be etched in my heart. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you are loved my son, and will always be loved by your father and I. Nothing else matters.

I want you to know that even if I can't give you the world Airiel, I will give you mine. That even if I can't give you everything, I will give you everything that I have. 

Remember Airiel, in life there is always a choice. So choose...

Choose iman

Choose prayer

Choose faith

Choose hope

Choose courage

Choose heart

Choose soul

Choose forgiveness

Choose love

They say I am supposed to teach you things Airiel, but you have taught me more about life and love in these 5 years than I could ever think possible.

For that, I will always be grateful.

Remember what I told you Airiel. Always remember that you are braver than what you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think...

Happy Birthday, Airiel.

I love you. Remember that. No one can take it.

Forever yours,

Mama

Blue and Sparkly!

Hi guys,

I promised didn't I? Ok, ok, Huda my bestie is going to know that this is totally out of character because I absolutely hate jewelry. But I have to say since I got pregnant, I have been obsessed with everything sparkly, much to Aries' dismay. I mean, I hate shopping for everything else, but I LOVE looking at jewels!

Who would have thought!

Anyways to make me happy, Aries bought me a blue sparkly for my birthday and our upcoming anniversary in November.

Coincidentally, the above ring is set similar to Kate Middleton's ring! hahaha... I so feel like a princess now.

I am nuts about this jewelry shop Devnani Jewels. Their website is here. Awesome pieces for awesome prices as they were jewelry wholesalers before they opened their jewelry boutique. My male readers out there, go here to get presents for your other halves! You will be pleasantly surprised!.Aries definitely was!

Ok, have a good rest of the week. Hope this gives my readers some ideas on presents for birthdays and upcoming anniversaries!

Pressie for Aries

Hello Everyone,

Its a busy Monday for yours truly. Apa nak buat.

Anyways, Aries long overdue present for his birthday (which I think is combined with our upcoming anniversary lah senang)  I  managed to buy it this weekend. It took so long to get him one because he is so darn picky. His birthday was way back in March.

Anyways,

Hope you like it Aries. It's all about the love eh?

He bought me a present for my birthday last week and for our anniversary coming in November as well. But I have yet to get it. I'll share it with you guys when I do.

Hint : - It's blue and its sparkly!

Ok everyone. Have a good one now!