Never Knew I Needed...

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be..." ~ Douglas Adams

For the way you changed my plans

For being the perfect distraction

For the way you took the idea that I had

Of everything I wanted to have

And made me see there was something missing

For the ending of my first beginning

And for the rare and unexpected friend

For the way you're something that I'd never choose

But at the same time something I don't want to lose

I never want to be without ever again

You're the best thing I never knew I needed

So when you walked here

I had no idea

You're the best thing I never knew I needed

Now it's so clear I need you here always

My accidental happily every after

The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter

I must admit you were not a part of my book

But now if you open it and take a look

You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

Who knew that I could be

So unexpectedly

Undeniably happier

With you right here next to me

Because you're the best thing I never knew I needed

So when you walked here

I had no idea

You're the best thing I never knew I needed

Now it's so clear I need you here always...

Now it's so clear

I need you here always..

#miqa

#ceriteracintahamba

Thantophobia

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again..." ~ Suzanne Collins

For some it is a phobia. For Mama it was a reality, angel Akif. Today is your birthday. Today is the day you left Mama and Airiel 4 years ago. Thank you for teaching me how to survive loving and losing. Thank you for the permanent scars on my body I now carry with me everywhere in memory of you. Thank you for hugging and kissing me in my dreams. Thank you for teaching me that love hurts, and that's why it matters. Thank you for making me weak and then making me strong. Mama misses you so much. More than words can say. More than tears can ever convey. May you be blessed kid. Al-Fatihah

There is no definition of 'Better' for me...

"At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into  the stone.  It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.." ~ Arthur Golden

This request has been sitting in my inbox for the longest time. 

I read it, reread it, thought about helping her answer the question, decided against it, left it hoping i'd forget, came across it again...the process repeats every so often.

Her daughter passed away in her sleep of SIDS 7 years ago. She says 7 years to the day and she is having trouble to deal. She has sleepless nights, she has nightmares. I am fine with reading this. And then after telling me what she has gone through, she asks me a question which makes me shift in my seat everytime I read it. She asks me 'have you gotten better? how do you deal with it? I see you have not written about your feelings for a while...', Everytime I read this email, I wanted to delete it but the last sentence always stops me. She says 'please help me sis...I don't know what to do. It's affecting my marriage, its affecting my capabilities as a mother...please help...' 

I shift in my seat because I honestly do not know how to answer her. I don't. For the longest time I did not want to answer, because the truth is painful, but I owe it to Akif to help other mothers who have suffered the loss of their kids. That was my promise to myself when he died. So i will try my best.

The short answer is 'I don't know'. The long answer would be 'it depends on the day'. 

How do I go back to the way I was before Akif died? That is basically what her email was asking me, whether she can ever get better and go back to the way she was.

I honestly can't speak for anybody else, but for me, there was never any going back to who I was before he died. I will never go back to the way I was before that point. It was simply impossible.

When he died, a part of me died with him, and that is permanent. What part of me that I lost was permanent, irreversible. And so I changed. When he died, I changed.  

But that did not mean I never got better. Not being able to go back to the way I was did not equate to not getting better, it just meant that I had to learn to make the best of what is left of me now and moving forward.

Because moving forward is inevitable, because not moving forward would mean that I would have to stay still and die. And I simply could not do that. I had one more son which was alive, which needed me. And he was stubborn in his demand for whatever that I had left. He would look me in the eye and tell me how much he loved me and demanded that I say it back to him 10 times louder. He would wake me up with kisses and drag me out of bed when I simply had no strength to go through a particular day. He was relentless, constant, unwavering. In other words, he kept me alive. And for the longest time, I had the weirdest logical thought process, I must stay alive and be the best person I can be, because that is the only way I might get a shot at seeing Akif after all that is said and done on the other side.

But that is my drive to pick up the pieces of whoever I was left and to stick it back together and hobble along. I don't know whats yours. But whatever it is, keep on holding on to it. Don't expect to be exactly who you were before she died of SIDS. Don't use that person as a benchmark or definition of getting 'better'. It is NOT and it never will be. The person who you were before is gone, so say goodbye to her and make your peace with the fact that you have changed along with what has happened to you.

People say, the songs say about how nothing can break them, and equates being broken to weakness. For the longest time, I believed it too. But these tears, our tears, our despair and overcoming it is not a sign of weakness, it is simply a process we have to go through to become mended. 

If you have sleepless nights, well I have them too. If you have nightmares, I am not afraid to say that I have them too. It does not mean I am not better, it just means that I miss what I have lost, sometimes unbearably so. We have those days, and we are not any lesser or weaker for having them. 

I have those days and nights, and I get through them. And I have them again. The process repeats itself. 

In between those days though, I see and memorize the laughter of those still living, I look at sunsets with interest, I look at the waves and seas with longing, I notice how the clouds can have funny shapes when Airiel points it out to me. I smile when and laugh when my friends and family makes silly jokes, I read incessantly. I drink too much coffee. I travel and see the miracles that make me feel so small. I am content. 

I honestly do not know what 'better' is and when I will get there. But this is okay. What I have right now is okay. And that is the truth. I do not know of a word to describe what stage I am at and that is okay too.

I hope this helps you.

May your daughter and both my angel children be blessed.

Akif, this one's for you.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

My beloved Akif - 3 years on

"This is a love story. I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make people do so many things. I never knew there were so many different ways to say goodbye..." ~ Maggie Stiefvater

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Yesterday, my angel Akif would have been 3, had he been here with me and Airiel.

I share the chronicles of my struggle so that mothers who have lost their child, either due to hydrops or in any other way, know that they are not alone. 

I tell this story so that all mothers know that as mothers you can bleed with all that gaping wound the child you lost have left in his/her wake, but also in that grief and pain you bleed, you can bleed love and grace.

I am much much better 3 years on. Most days I function great. Being busy does really help. And I think its important that as mothers/fathers who are struggling from the loss of their child busy themselves.

It is more of the triggers that usually get to me, like that sofa seat in Dr. Cafe in Citta Mall facing the window where I would always sit at in the mornings (having been away from work for 4 months) counting heartbeats to make sure that Akif was alive for another day. Like that white honda car (Stevie, I call it) which I drove to the hospital with Nenda in the passenger seat and Airiel on her lap, she was crying all the way to the hospital. I sold the car after that, I just couldn't bear the flashbacks. Like that moment, half awake in surgery I knew the doctors took Akif out of me and I could not hear a cry. Like when I see another baby wearing that exact baby shirt I bought for him which I eventually gave away. Like when I accidentally see one of my flowy tops I kept in my closet which I would wear all the time while I was carrying him (3 years on and I still can't bear throwing it out, sigh - will do it soon). Like that moment when Bonda told me that Atok carried Akif on his lap all the way to the cemetery. Like the moment I got discharged from the hospital and they gave me Akif's dead body tag, morgue tag and his post-natal ICU ward tag which they put on him while he was fighting for his life.

The list is endless..

So I will be going about my normal day, and I would see certain things that triggers the memory and everything will play out like a 3D movie screening, and I would be reeling from it. It feels like a stab sometimes, most times like a punch to the chest, where you have all the wind knocked out of you. Yes, pretty much like that.

I do not know the 5 stages of grief, or where I am at with it, or whether I would ever be out of it. I do not know what is normal or considered normal. This is my normal, and I am happy with that. 

I realise that family support is extremely important, but while it helps, only I can deal with my grief and help myself out of it. My family have thankfully and mercifully (I might add), left me alone to deal at the times they know I am not up to being pleasant. Sometimes I forget that while I have lost a son, Bonda has lost her nephew, that Nenda and Atok have lost their grandson, that I suffer yes, but so do they, and they feel a pain which I know not of. 

The recovery is ongoing, but I am thankful for what I do have (on most days).

Deep down in my heart I have a regret that all mothers have, that wish that there was something more they could have done, that maybe if I tried harder, I could have saved him, that maybe if I did something different, things would not turn out the way it did. I am only human, sigh.

Some pain and experiences in our lives dulls us, numbs us. But Akif, he CHANGED me. And I was never the same since.

You made me strong angel child. You made me understand how it feels to yearn for someone, how to fight for something you believe in. You made me understand the power and will within us, and that there are powers which are beyond. You made me understand hope. You made me understand pain and overcome it. You made me understand...

You made me understand love, and how sometimes to love means to let go.

And I love you so. And so I let you go.

Follow Akif's journey here.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places..." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Hello readers.

An update about Akif, well sort of.

The picture below Airiel asked me to take. This was Sunday.

When I asked him why. He says that he wants to look at it whenever he thinks of his brother.

Sigh

 What is in that head and heart of yours little one?

Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way

All that you rely on

And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning

Will find you in the day

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

You're all I taste 

At night

Inside of my mind

You run away

Because I am not what you found

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

Everything will change

Nothing stays the same

Nobody is perfect

But everyone is to blame

All that you rely on

And all that you can say

Will leave you in the morning

And find you in the day

Everything is dark

It's more than you can take

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining

Shining down on your face

Your face

You're in my veins

And I cannot get you out

I cannot get you out

In my veins ~ Noah and Allie

"Me : Why do you want to see Akif?

Airiel : I miss my brother

*Silence*

Airiel : Do you miss him too?

Me : I miss him too sayang. I miss him too"

Verily, with hardship there is relief.

And yet only love can hurt like this.

Have a good week ahead readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Turn I Cannot Seem to Make

"There's a moment when love makes you believe in death for the first time. You recognise the ones whose loss, even contemplated, you'll carry forever, like a sleeping child. All grief, anyone's grief... is the weight of a sleeping child..." ~ Anne Micheals

Ever since February, 2nd 2015. I have not been able to go back.

There are days when I go to work or come back from work and I will tell myself  'Today, I'll go visit him. Today I am strong enough...'. And then as I near that fork in the road that would lead to where he is, I just can't seem to go into the junction. 

My brain freezes, my hands sweat, my stomach churns, my vision blurs. My heart...it just breaks. And I drive on. Always looking at that junction from my rear-view mirror as it fades away.

I can't do it. I just can't do it.

And then, I will spend the rest of the day asking myself 'What is wrong with me? I used to be able to do this, easy peasy. It's nothing more than a grave..'. And I will miss him for the rest of  the day. An ache that never dulls.

I was always kidding myself. It never was easy to go there. But these days, it just seems so much harder.

It's like I am damned if I go, and I am damned if I don't.

2 years on and yet the struggle is ever present.

The struggle for sanity. To overcome grief. To function normally.

It is a daily battle. As a mother who has lost a child, it is a daily battle.

I miss him so very much. Some days, more than I can bear it. 

It brings me to my knees, knocks out the strength in me.

Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia.

I will never forget the moment his heart stopped, and mine kept on beating.

 

See You Again

"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now..?" ~ Douglas Adams

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Who knew

All the planes we flew

Good things we've been through

That I'd be standing right here talking to you

About another path

I know we love to hit the road and laugh

But something told me that it wouldn't last

Had to switch up

Look at things different

See the bigger picture

Those were the days

Hard work forever pays

Now I see you in a better place

How can we not talk about family

When family is all that we got

Everything I went through

You were standing there by my side

And now you're going to be with me for the last ride

First you both go out your way

And the vibe is feeling strong

And what's small turned to a friendship

A friendship turned into a bond

And that bond will never be broken 

And the love will never get lost

And when brotherhood come first

Then the line will never be crossed

Established it on our own

When that line had to be drawn

And that line is what we reached

So remember me when I'm gone

So let the light guide your way

Hold every memory as you go

And every road you take

Will always lead you home

Home

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Mama misses you angel Akif.

Umi misses you angel Aisha.

Putting one foot in front of the other now.

Some days are long. Too long.

One day if I ever see you again, I'll tell you all about it.

My Airiel turns 6

"A child can teach an adult 3 things; to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires..." ~ Paul Coelho

"Masih kurang rasaku

Mencintai hatimu

Ingin aku jadi terbaik bagimu

Masih kurangkah aku

Menyayangi hatimu

Mahu aku mengganti setiap sukarmu

Dengan tenang..."

Happy 6th Birthday Airiel.

Penghibur hati Mama...

Pengubat luka di jiwa...

Peneman yang setia...

Pinjaman Tuhan yang terindah dalam hidup Mama

Sometimes, words are just not enough.

Sesungguhnya tanpamu hilanglah makna.

Moga membesar menjadi anak yang soleh dan berjaya dunia dan akhirat untuk mama dan abah.

Mama loves you very very much.

2

"Everyone has their weak spot. The one thing that, despite your best efforts, will always bring you to your knees, regardless of how strong you are otherwise..." ~ Sara Dessen

Miss you little one...

I'm weak in the knees for you

But I'll stand if you want me to

My legs are strong and I move on

But my baby I'm weak in the knees

For you...

The Darkness Is Coming...

"Some nights the sky wept stars that quickly floated and disappeared into the darkness before our wishes could meet them" ~ Ishmael Beah

My dearest Akif,

02.02.2013.

On Monday it will be 02.02.2015.

Tick tock tick tock.

You would have been 2 years old.

I know you are in a better better place than I could ever be or hope to see.

I am glad that of all places, that is where you are. 

I have like so many things I have done in my life, let you go.

But like all mothers, I have to say I miss you.

I miss you everyday, but on some days I have to admit it gets unbearable for me. I call them the 'dark days'.

I can feel it angel son. I can feel the darkness coming. 

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't function. The dark days are always that bad. Your big brother Airiel keeps me going. Drags me out of bed. Covers my tears with kisses. Makes me laugh. Keeps me sane. 

What I would give for a hug, for 45 minutes with you, to hear your voice or laugh or something like that. But I know, I am selfish because that is maybe what I think I want, but once I get a taste of that, I would want more. More and more. More and more of you. 

Some things are just not meant to be. 

Nothing else hurts like missing you do. Nothing.

Promise me Akif, that when the day comes....ages and ages from now that you will find me. That is what was promised by the Almighty to me. Find me. 

"Masih terasa nafasmu

Lembut menusuk jiwaku

Tenang dihembus bayu

Membawa khabar rindu

Tapi sulit ku teruskan

Engkau jauh ke hadapan

Aku tabah berjalan

Sembunyikan harapan..."

Bintang Hatiku....

"I pledge to keep you safe..." ~ Kimberly Derting

Aku akan menjagamu

Semampu dan sebisaku

Walau ku tahu ragamu tak utuh

Kan ku terima kekuranganmu

Dan ku tak akan mengeluh

Kerana bagiku engkaulah nyawaku

Hello readers.

Welcome to 2015.

This is a shot from the photoshoot I had with Airiel.

Love, love the picture. Because it captures how I look at Airiel. How I feel.

And yes, I do feel too much.

Too much.

Much love from Airiel and I

Peace and love to everyone.

A Nation Tested...

"Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Everytime you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself; That's it. That's my heart..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Readers,

It has been a time of trials and tribulations for anything and everything Malaysia this year.

My heart bleeds for those affected by the floods in Pantai Timur, Perak, Kedah.

After volunteering at a centre I am taking a break because I need to take care of Airiel.

But I wish I could do more. I wish I had tonnes of money at my disposal to help those who cannot help themselves.  Alas I do not.

I wish for endless energy to help pack, unpack and rearrange stuff into boxes. I don't have that either.

But for those who do want to help, I list down places and organisations that are helping out. Don't be shy in going and helping out, they need every pair of hands to help. They will welcome you.

Don't be afraid to spare with some of your hard earned cash and bonuses. Just close your eyes and put yourself in their shoes. It is simply unimaginable.

I list those that I know off here:-

1. Groupon has a voucher you can buy where 100% of it goes to the Malaysian Red Crescent Society. Lowest sum is RM10. Highest is RM100. Link is here;

2. Muslim Care. Its collection centre is in Shah Alam. Seksyen 8

3. IM4U. Drop by their centre in Bukit Kiara that is open 24 hours with goods. Or help in packing and labeling.

4. UITM's Misi Ops Banjir.

5. 3 NGO's have combined in getting relief efforts moving. Drop by with your goods at pintu masuk Matrade where the Vendeur Festival is going on right now.

6. This is an effort by Free Market for Pantai Timur. Drop by with your goods at Harley's Malaysia in TTDI.

7. Aman Palestin.They are targeting to collect 1 mil by 15 Jan 2015.

8. Even Milkadeal has set up an emergency flood relief appeal centre. You can contact them at this address:-

MilkADeal.com
22-3 (2nd Floor), Jalan PJU 8/5G
Damansara Perdana
47820 Petaling Jaya
Selangor

T: +603 7733 4733

(We are located directly behind Public Mutual, above Mutiara D'Maju mamak on the 2nd floor)

There are more organisations, but the above is what I can list down for now.

And below is not a donation request. A friend on FB uploaded this and I think it is extremely useful. So below a  list of a basic emergency kit everyone should have at home.

Just today, another plane went missing. This time its AirAsia:-

We are, a nation tested. Let us show the rest of the world that we band together and rise in times of calamity. That we shall stand hand in hand in facing the difficulties that are upon us. 

Let us show the rest of the world what we are made of. 

Courage my fellow Malaysians, courage.

And last but not least, a prayer for all of us to recite:-

Much  love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2014

"Aku baru menyedari bahawa antara Cinta dan rasa Ingin Memiliki itu tidak sama" 

~ Habiburrahman El-Shirazy

Adalah cinta yang mengubah jalannya waktu

Kerana cinta waktu terbahagi dua

Denganmu dan rindu untuk membalik masa

Detik tidak pernah melangkah mundur

Tetapi kertas putih itu selalu ada

Dan waktu tidak pernah berjalan mundur

Dan hari tidak pernah berulang

Tetapi pagi selalu menawarkan cerita yang baru

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab..

You're in my veins...

Saranghae...

Seumur Hidupku...

"You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. 

Language buries, but does not resurrect..." ~ John Green

Dengarkan bisikan kalbuku

Sungguh besar mencintaimu

Rasakan

Rasakan rinduku yang dalam sedalam samudera

Mencintaimu

Menyayangimu

Merindukanmu seumur hidupku

Tuhan kuatkanlah hati ini

Saat dia tinggalkan diriku sendiri

Walau pedih ini sungguh perit

Akan ku relakan 

Asalkan dia bahagia

[Bisikan Rinduku - Dayang Nurfaizah]

Mama tahu Akif di tempat yang lebih baik.

Alhamdulillah. Berbahagialah di sana, anak syurga Mama.

Promise me when the time comes Akif, carilah Mama di sana.

Itu janji Yang Maha Esa pada insan-insan seperti Mama. Bahawa anak anak syurga kami akan menangis apabila tidak berjumpa ibu bapa mereka dan meminta agar dipertemukan, dan disitu kami akan kekal bersama anak anak syurga kami.

Itu pendorong hidup Mama, putting one foot in front of the other every day. Towards you. YOU.

I love you son.

Then, Now, Forevermore.

And this is LOVE...

"Mothers are all slightly insane" ~ J.D Salinger

Hello readers, 

I know its approaching the end of the week.

Things have been crazy busy so you know how it is.

Anyway, it was Airiel's concert last Saturday.

 

 Anak Gua hensem (statement biased takleh blah standard setiap mak kat luar sana haha)

Cute kids made punya events thingymajig for the parents 

Theme was the countries and flags of the world.

The 'POSSE' 

Airiel had such a great time!!

These are the moments I know heaven must exist

These are the moments I know all I need is this

I have got all I have waited for

I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together

I could not ask for more than this time with you

Every prayer has been answered

And every dream I have has came true

And right here in this moment

Is right where we are all meant to be

Right here with you

 Here with me

I could not ask for more than this love you gave me

It's all I have waited for

I could not ask for more..

Mama loves you very much son...

May you feel and remember that love one day.

I have some exciting projects and events coming up. Will share it with you guys soon! I promise.

Have a good weekend ahead everyone.

Much love from Airiel and I

Peace and love to everyone.

Lets Get Lost 2014 - Part 9 - Villa 007 - Seminyak

"I'm often difficult to love. I go through dark periods like the moon and I hide from myself. But I promise I will kiss your wounds when they're hurting. Even if they're in your soul. I can find them with the light in my fingertips. I will lead you to the river so you can remember how beautiful it feels to be moved by something that is out of your control. And when our dark periods match, we can breathe with the grass and look at the night sky. The stars will remind us of the beauty in our struggles and we won't feel lost anymore..." ~ Emery Allen

Hello readers,

As you would have guessed. I went to beautiful Bali.

Since emails have been pouring in asking me for recommendations, I will start with where I stayed.

Hello Villa 007

Steps leading up from the gates to the front door. Ohh I am in love already!

The rooms and the hallway, with little figurines and free hats for you to use to keep the sun away

The high ceilings with wooden beams, the lounge sofa in the living room, the lovely locally accented chandelier and the cute little containers in the fully functioning kitchen

The pool, the lounge area, the lounge chairs. When I wasn't out sightseeing, I will be here, either in the pool or lounging and looking up while listening to music...

The view I had looking up, the lovely flowers which fell into the villa next door. The outside shower after dips in the pool. Me camwhoring with a selfie as usual.

I fell in love with this place. Its a 3 bedroom villa. With one room smaller than the others, well fitted for a child and is adorned with children's decorations (didn't manage to snap pictures). The remainder of the 2 rooms come with king size beds and will sleep 2 comfortably. You can sleep in the living room area as well, it was just so roomy and airy.

If it was up to me I would have slept outside beside the pool but honestly I was afraid of rolling over into it masa tido ngeee.

The staff, Made, Tobi was just awesome and catered to our every need. From food, to universal adaptors to having masseurs come over to the house. It was just awesome.

The website link for Villa 007 is here.

My review of Villa 007 on booking.com can be found here.

Have a good rest of the week readers.

More updates soon I promise.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Lets Get Lost 2016 - Part 8

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart..." ~ Confucius

Hello readers,

Sorry I have been so quiet.

It's been super busy at work.

I am off somewhere. 

Can you guess where?

My love affair with the sea continues.

Fernweh sufferer, traveller, dreamer... I am who I am.

More updates when I return.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Aidiladha - From now onwards

"I try to live life so that I can live with myself" - John Green

Reminiscing a year or 2 ago, I would never have thought that my life would turn out the way it did. What was Aidiladha to me 2 years ago? Honestly I cannot remember much of the past. 

But it was mostly filled with laughter, with family. I would always dress Airiel up for raya. There would have been a picture taken of my little family. That was the routine. That was the norm.

With Akif's passing, I have a new routine every raya. A new norm. A new normal. I must visit him the first day of Raya, be it Aidilfitri or Aidiladha. I do not have Airiel with me for most festive seasons and I am happy he goes back to his kampung in Kelantan as he would have the company of his cousins. But I miss him terribly, not used to not having him around me even for a day. 

The graveyard was packed to the brim today. Business was booming as people were selling flowers, water, even umbrellas. 

I do not feel as lonely when I visit Akif during festive season as I would see other parents visit their angel children. They are like me. I am not alone. And neither are they. They hurt as much as I do. Their tears flow just like mine. As they walk away, they would pause, turn their head around and give one last look at the graveyard specially reserved for children, forlorn, with longing, holding back the tears. It gives me an idea of how I must look like when I do exactly the same every week.

Will it ever get easier I wonder?

Sabda Rasullulah ketika mengalirkan airmata setelah kematian anaknya, Ibrahim - "Sesungguhnya mata itu menangis, hati pula bersedih, kami tidak mengatakan kecuali apa yang diredhakan oleh Tuhan kami, dan kami semua disebabkan perpisahan dengan kamu ini, Ya Ibrahim (anak Nabi SAW) teramatlah sedih” (HSR Bukhari No. Hadis 1220) ‪#‎inmemoryofakif‬

I don't know the answer to whether it would get easier.

I hope it would.

Salam Aidiladha readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Darker Days...

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk" ~ Stephanie Meyer

Hello Readers,

It is a Monday.

I must state from the very outset that this post is about Akif.

I have shared with you Akif's story from the moment I found out about his hydrops until the day he took his last breath.

I have shared with you how I have faced the days since I buried him.

There are okay days. There are dark days. And then there are days where I cannot see the light at all. The darkest I call them.

Last week was one such week.

There is always a trigger for things turning darkest I find.

For last week, it was this.

Airiel woke up last week with an obsession. He wanted to see his little brother. I relented after the 37th time he pestered me (Yes, I counted because I am anal like that).

So I brought him.

It amazed me to no end to see how grown up and mature he acted. He amin all the prayers I recited. He insisted that he pour the water over his little brother's grave. He helped me pull out all the weeds. He was talking to his little brother. He brought along his current favourite toy at that moment (because it changes pretty much every week). A bat mobile which he 'showed' Akif.

And then he said something which astounded me and killed me at the same time. He said 'I hope you have better toys in heaven brother, we cannot play together'.

It felt like a samurai sword had just sliced me in half and then chopped my heart into little pieces. And then it felt like someone tried to force feed me the chopped little pieces of my own heart.

He was pleased with himself that he visited.

I was okay initally. The grief of it only kicked in a few days later. When I realised how messed up things are.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be having a conversation with his brother at his brother's grave.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be facing this when he is only 5 years old.

How messed up it was for me to watch my son grow up too fast. How I could not protect him.

How I could not protect Akif. How I could not save him.

How messed up things are.

How its just so messed up.

And I know Akif is in heaven, and he visits me in my dreams. How it is a much better place to be. No pain, no suffering. Things are all beautiful and peaceful.

But in those days when the darkness consumes me, I do not want Akif to be in heaven. I want him to be here with me.

I do not want Akif to be in a better place. I want him to be here with me.

I don't want to settle for seeing Akif in my dreams. I want him to be here with me.

Screw the beautiful, peaceful place. I want him here with me, with Airiel.

I want him with me and everything else can be damned.

I am such a human. So flawed, so greedy, so damaged.

I am so damned, blessed. Depending on whichever way you look at it.

Let this darkness pass, like everything else.

My dearest Almighty, janganlah Kau sesatkan cintaku.

Mama rindu Akif.

Rindu.

Too beautiful too forget...

"You don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope" ~ Suzanne Collins

My dearest Akif,

It is Ramadhan.

The month of fasting.

The month of giving.

The month of compassion.

The month of forgiveness.

For Mama, it is the month where I will see you every night without fail.

You are always dressed in green. Always smiling. Sitting on my lap. Hugging my neck.

How I cannot wait to close my eyes every night so we can meet.

How real it feels, being there with you.

Until it is time for you to leave. And I struggle to let go of your hand before you go back to where you belong. 

And you look at me smiling. And I muster up every single fibre of my being, strength and courage to smile back before you disappear. And my heart breaks, even in my dreams. I crumble.

And another day has begun.

I found the love that I knew I would miss.

I miss you little one. 

Thank you Almighty for giving me a chance to see my son. Thank you.