Happy Birthday Kid

"Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of light and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere and  saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favour by trying to shield him from reality. The most important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil..." ~ Walt Disney 

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Almighty, the Most Merciful.

Happy Birthday Son. You are 8 today.

I have to tell you this in the hopes that one day maybe you'll come across this blog and read it. Perhaps then you will realise how much you mean to me.

Your brother died, My world was empty. My relationship with your dad was in shambles. After we went our separate ways, there were days when I thought I would not be able to make it. That I was done with this harsh, cruel place. 

But you, you never gave up on me. You forced me to live, every single day. You made me laugh, you wiped my tears away. You were always there. And bit by bit, over time, I realised that I was happy. Happy things turned out the way they did. You always thought the world of me, and I would think to myself, if this kid thinks I am awesome, than perhaps I am worth something.

I want to tell you how instrumental you were in me getting to this stage in my life. The acceptance, the happiness, the peace, the calm. New beginnings. How I am happy with co-parenting with your dad now. How I am happy to be where I am at in my career. How I am happy with our new life. Happy, blissfully happy. Things truly do happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It's been a hell of a journey these few years kid. I am looking forward to many many more.

I love you very much. Never forget that. 

Thank you.

With Love,

Mama. 

Airiel is 7

"I know you loved both he and I, the way a mother can love 2 sons. And no one should be judged for loving more than they ought, only for loving not enough..." ~ Catherynne M. Valente

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Hello Airiel.

May you read this blog one day and see the posts I have written with your name. Posts I have written in the name of my love for you.

Today you turned 7.

Always, when you get a year older I get emotional. I am happy, I am sad, I brim with tears, I burst into pearls of laughter.

What a treat it was staying in a hotel room just you and me. We had our own beds, but at 2.00 am you groggily came and hopped into bed with me. And cuddled and hugged me. And kissed me on the cheek until you fell asleep again. I know it was 2.00 am and the bed was too small for 2 people but I just woke up and was so happy you did that and at the same time I just cried and cried and cried. I wondered to myself, how long is my son going to think I am his world? That I can make everything okay? That I am also to blame for everything? (haha, the irony right?).

I hope of all the things I have done wrong in my life, and in this world, I did right by you. I try to do that everyday. I constantly worry of whether I am being strict enough, or loving enough, or caring enough, or whether I am too busy, or whether I am not spending enough time with you.

When I try to remember how life was before you were born, I honestly can say I can't remember anything. That is how much you have changed my life, how monumental your presence have been. Everything else pales in comparison. Cliche, but true.

Its  the way you look at me, its the way you cling to me. How long will this last? I don't know. Maybe until you get yourself a girlfriend or wife. Such is the cycle of life. But whatever time I have, however long it may be, I cherish it. Is that not what your brother Akif taught me? That life should be lived one day at a time. That we live on borrowed time. The time we have, you and I. I will always cherish.

Read this one day my little Airiel, and know that I love you very very much.

Be a good son to your father and I. Be a good servant to the Almighty. Be a good nephew to Bonda and Maksu. Be a good grandson to Nenda, Atok and Opah. Be a good human being to everyone you meet. Be kind. Be who you are meant to be, my son. 

Much love from Mama.

* Photo : - JayIsmailPhotography

* Scarf :- Benang Hijau

* Dress :- FabulousHeejabBoutique

 

2016 - Bring It!

"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Hello Readers.

My New Year's Resolution for 2016?

THIS.

Let's kick ass, my little Padawan. Mama is with you...always.

Be with us, angel Akif and Aisha. Mama misses you both...

Let's do this readers. We are NOT what has happened to us. Or what was done to us. We are MORE.

Believe it. Live it.

Credits : -  JayismailPhotography (find him on instagram)

My Airiel turns 6

"A child can teach an adult 3 things; to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires..." ~ Paul Coelho

"Masih kurang rasaku

Mencintai hatimu

Ingin aku jadi terbaik bagimu

Masih kurangkah aku

Menyayangi hatimu

Mahu aku mengganti setiap sukarmu

Dengan tenang..."

Happy 6th Birthday Airiel.

Penghibur hati Mama...

Pengubat luka di jiwa...

Peneman yang setia...

Pinjaman Tuhan yang terindah dalam hidup Mama

Sometimes, words are just not enough.

Sesungguhnya tanpamu hilanglah makna.

Moga membesar menjadi anak yang soleh dan berjaya dunia dan akhirat untuk mama dan abah.

Mama loves you very very much.

We are not lost....

"I'm sure you think that I don't understand what you're going through, but I do.

It's just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want..." 

~ Nicholas Sparks

Hello Readers,

Don't really have that much time to update. But most of the updates are on my IG anyway. 

The pics from my photoshoot are back!.

This one picture I will share with you guys.

You are not alone

I am always there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

Because when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When the world's crashing down

And you can't bear the thought

I would say 'Babe, you're not lost'...

Micheal Buble - Lost

I love you son.

Remember.

And this is LOVE...

"Mothers are all slightly insane" ~ J.D Salinger

Hello readers, 

I know its approaching the end of the week.

Things have been crazy busy so you know how it is.

Anyway, it was Airiel's concert last Saturday.

 

 Anak Gua hensem (statement biased takleh blah standard setiap mak kat luar sana haha)

Cute kids made punya events thingymajig for the parents 

Theme was the countries and flags of the world.

The 'POSSE' 

Airiel had such a great time!!

These are the moments I know heaven must exist

These are the moments I know all I need is this

I have got all I have waited for

I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together

I could not ask for more than this time with you

Every prayer has been answered

And every dream I have has came true

And right here in this moment

Is right where we are all meant to be

Right here with you

 Here with me

I could not ask for more than this love you gave me

It's all I have waited for

I could not ask for more..

Mama loves you very much son...

May you feel and remember that love one day.

I have some exciting projects and events coming up. Will share it with you guys soon! I promise.

Have a good weekend ahead everyone.

Much love from Airiel and I

Peace and love to everyone.

Ceritera Cinta Mama - Airiel turns 5

"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." ~ C. Joybell

My dearest Airiel, 

I hope you will one day read this. You turn 5 tomorrow. Tick tock tick tock. We packed your gift packs together tonight and you loved the stationary I chose for your friends. You reserved your favourites for your best buddy Tayrell. You were super excited about your ice cream cake that I bought for you to cut tomorrow in school.

I do not believe in extravagant parties Airiel, so this is the closest you are going to get to having one.

Your happiness and excitement is contagious. And I laughed away. But there is a yearning and a certain heaviness in my heart. I want to tell you what my heart wants to say.

I honestly can't remember how life was like before you came along into my life. But every moment since you were born is crystal clear. I remember everything. How you cried the loudest in the ward when you were born. How you would crumple your nose before you begin to cry. How you did not sleep for 3 months at one time and drove Nenda, Atuk, Opah and I absolutely bonkers. How I would dress you up in these hilarious rompers and take funny pictures. How at one time you would only want to sleep on my lap and would not fall asleep anywhere else, that time you were so small you could actually fit on my lap.

Your tiger style of crawling, your first steps, your first word, your funny way of sleeping, your smell.

Those images are like a slideshow playing in my head. My heart just grows bigger and bigger, trying to contain a flooding of emotion I cannot comprehend or understand. I feel so much love it overwhelms me sometimes. 

I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you as my constant companion throughout these years. Things have changed, circumstances altered, but if there is one thing constant, it is that I will always be beside you, as you are beside me...a quiet presence, radiating love that heals me from within. 

I want to tell you how sorry I am, because I could not give you what you deserved. I could not give you a family that was complete. I hope one day when you are older, you will understand the extreme circumstances that I had to face before I made the decision that changed our lives forever. That what happened was never your fault. 

I want you to know that you were born out of love, and you live as a symbol of love that will forever be etched in my heart. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you are loved my son, and will always be loved by your father and I. Nothing else matters.

I want you to know that even if I can't give you the world Airiel, I will give you mine. That even if I can't give you everything, I will give you everything that I have. 

Remember Airiel, in life there is always a choice. So choose...

Choose iman

Choose prayer

Choose faith

Choose hope

Choose courage

Choose heart

Choose soul

Choose forgiveness

Choose love

They say I am supposed to teach you things Airiel, but you have taught me more about life and love in these 5 years than I could ever think possible.

For that, I will always be grateful.

Remember what I told you Airiel. Always remember that you are braver than what you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think...

Happy Birthday, Airiel.

I love you. Remember that. No one can take it.

Forever yours,

Mama

96:4 [Part 2]

"If we burn...you burn with us..." ~ Mockingjay

Hey readers,

I am anticipating a crazy monday so might as well do my first update for the week now. This is a heartwarming moment I had with Airiel last week.

I am so blessed...

I find that the bond I share with Airiel is indescribable. He is attuned to my emotions as much I am attuned to his. If he even gets quiet or slightly upset, I would sense it.

He wakes me up every morning with his relentless kisses. He runs to the door every day that I come home from work expecting a huge hug. He makes me laugh endlessly in amusement at his antics. His constant demands for selfies with mama hahaha.

Sometimes when he is deep in thought, he would just lie next to me in my room holding my hand and we don't say a single thing to each other. And we stay like that for a good hour, being calm and still. We just enjoy the presence of each other. Sometimes we would just look at each other and start laughing non-stop. Semua org tgk kitorg mcm pelik hahaha. But Airiel and I share a language no one else understands... it's the song of our hearts.

He knows shopping makes me happy so he indulges me in it. Looks at photos of stuff with me. These days he has become more opinionated and involved and he even picks out stuff for me, from shoes to bags to fabric to tudung... I won't buy it without the Airiel seal of approval.

It is amazing at how much love my heart can hold for this little man. How much his love has been a healing force in my life. It's as if he has singlehandedly picked up every broken piece of my heart, arranged it sesuka hati dia...and patched it up with some kind of magic glue. I find that my 'patched up by Airiel heart' looks pretty awesome. I quite like it.

My padawan...

When he smiles, I feel like a little child...

Have a good week ahead everyone! Bertabahlah dalam mencatu air.

Much love from me and Airiel.

When The Words Don't Come...

"The music in his laughter had a way of rounding off the missing notes in her soul" ~ 

Gloria Naylor

If the words don't come my way

I hope you'll still know..

I hope it will still show..

If the words don't come my way...

I hope you still know...

What my heart wants to say...

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You...

And I'm trying hard to figure out

Just how I ever lived without

The warmth of your smile

The heart of child

That's deep inside

It leaves me purified...

Mama loves you Airiel. More than anything...

Mama's Rock

Terima kasih Allah kerana memberikan pinjaman yang terindah ini.

Thank you Airiel for being in Mama's life. Without you, Mama will not be able to survive.

This is LOVE.

Then, now and forevermore...

Have a good week ahead readers...

Updates on Airiel - 2013 [Part 1]

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone.

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. 

It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it?

What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and it falls apart? 

Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. 

The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever" ~ Grey's Anatomy

Hello readers,

It's time for Airiel updates. 

Airiel the teacher 

Airiel the vainpot 

Airiel the perfume model 

Airiel the dentist 

Airiel the komando 

Airiel the companion 

Airiel the guardian

 Airiel the cheeky

Airiel,  the doodler

Airiel, the 'everything'

This is Airiel, my beloved, my heart, my soul, my universe.

This is Airiel, who I will fight tooth and nail to protect, who I love more than myself, who I would gladly give away my life for.

This is Airiel, my son.

Till the stars all burn away...

How long does it last? Can love be measured by the hours in a day? I have no answers, no but this much I can say. I am going to need him till the stars all burn away....

Hanging On When Your Heart Has Had Enough...

Had a domestic in respect of balancing my work and my duties as a mother. It is amazing how I feel like crap when anybody makes a comment about me being absent in Airiel's life.

I have written about how this issue has bugged me in my previous posts.

I honestly cannot try and keep juggling everything. This is my work, it is my calling, it is my passion..
But I have always put Airiel first. He is always my priority. I think about him all the time at work. Like that Bruno Mars' song. I would jump in front of a train for him, I would put my hand on a blade for him and I would die for him. No question about it.

What else must I do? I keep this blog and post about these things in the hope that in the future, Airiel and my other kids can read this and understand how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning and leave them to go to work. I hope they can understand that when they are sick, I pray to God with tears running down my face to ask that I be sick instead. I cannot even see Airiel get injected...I just burst into tears.

I listen to this song... and I just cry...

In My Daughter's Eyes


In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be in daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I found reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

When she wraps her hand around my fingers
It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realise what life is all about
Its hanging on when your heart has had enough
Its giving more when you feel like giving up
I have seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I'll hope she'll see
How happy she made me
I'll be there in my daughter's eyes

My love is not qualified, it is absolute. It is a love which is beyond my own comprehension or understanding, a love that overwhelms me at times.

I have never been so scared of losing someone as much as the fear I have of losing Airiel. I have never been so terrified of not being able to be there for someone as I do for him. I have never been so committed to anything in my life.

Airiel, if you ever get to read this. Please know that Mama loves you very much. Loves you more than anything. Loves you more than her own life. There is not a day that goes by that Mama does not feel sorry and bad for leaving you and going to work. There is not a day that goes by without Mama feeling like she wants to give this all up and spend every possible second with you.

NOT EVEN ONE DAY.

Mama thinks about being with you ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

If you read this, Mama wants you to know this. Remember this Airiel.

My Airiel is now 2

This post is a belated one. On 20.03.2011 at 2.47p.m., my Airiel turned 2 years old.

We were on our way back from Taiping to KL, attending my counsin's engagement so no celebration.

But my heart spoke volumes. When I think about how his presence has blessed my life, I cannot cry hard enough, cannot thank Allah enough, cannot laugh enough.

He's smart enough to hug me when he sees me upset. Smart enough to run towards me when I come home from work, smart enough to wave goodbye when I go off to work. He hears me saying 'mama sakit badan lah Airiel' and he now knows how to give a massage. He says 'Adik uyut' which means 'urut' of course and pinches me here and there and I just laugh away.

I tell him about my day and he listens intently and then repeats what I say. We both laugh our heads off afterwards.

I know when he looks at me that he does not want anything else but my love. I know that no matter how bad a day I have at work, he will be at home waiting for me with those puppy eyes.

At the end of the day, I am ok.

He has made my life complete.

Only Allah knows how large a mother's heart can grow to accomodate the love she has for her child. And that is how I feel. Like there is so much love in this heart for him, so much so that it overflows sometimes in the form of tears. I do not know how to explain how this feels.

I do not believe in having birthday parties for little children as I do not think they know what it means. It annoys me when people ask me 'why?'...'why have you never had one?'. It seems like I love him less for not throwing a big birthday bash since I can afford it. Such is the culture these days. Maybe when he is bigger and can choose whether he wants to have one but now? No...

I just do not believe in it. A cake, a little doa selamat with family members sahaja suffices. I just do not believe in having big celebrations untuk benda sebegini. Membazir sungguh. Baiklah bersedekah ke org fakir miskin atau buat makan makan untuk mereka atas nama Airiel, bukankah itu yang lebih afdal? Again this is my view for my own child. I care not about what others do for theirs.

I hope he will read this one day and realise how loved he is, birthday party or not.

Your children need your presence more than your presents.  ~Jesse Jackson

Mama loves you Airiel, heart and soul.

One day God willing, mama will have more time to spend with you. To more years to come together, you and me. InsyaAllah.

Today, 1 year ago

Dearest Airiel,

Mama dedicates this post to you. Mama hopes that one day you will read this and realise how loved you were at the time Mama wrote this.

Today, 1 year ago, you came out of Mama's tummy.

That was how you looked like... when Mama saw you..all the pain Mama felt went away. Mama fell in love with you at first sight. The love Mama felt was beyond words, beyond description.. you just took Mama's breath away.

After the 10 days that Abah spent with us, he returned to JB and it was just you and me...Mama was not recovering that well. It was difficult for Mama to do anything but when Mama looked at you, Mama felt like Mama could touch the sky and get everything done and Mama did...for you with your help.

Since then, so many ups and downs we have endured, just you and Mama. The 3 week period where you refused to sleep at all when you were 3 months old, the first time you smiled at Mama. The first time you kissed Mama. The first time you called out "Mama", your first step, your first giggle..is immortalised forever in Mama's heart.

Mama is sorry for having to leave you everyday to go to work. It breaks Mama's heart to see you look at Mama and cry. It is something Mama is doing to make your life comfortable because Mama loves you so much.

You are walking now and you are growing up so fast. Mama cannot believe that you are 1 year old today. Mama feels so blessed, so thankful that you are present in Mama's life.

Know that Mama cannot imagine life without you. Know that this love will never fade.

Thank you so much dearest Airiel...

Love always,

Mama

Mama minta maaf

Sayangku Airiel,

Mama dah beberapa hari tido 2 jam sahaja. Airiel kan dah tiba-tiba develop sindrom tak nak tido malam.

Mama tak kisah tak tidur sekalipun..saat mama bersama Airiel sungguh bahagia buat Mama.

Tapi akibat seminggu tak cukup tidur, Mama jatuh sakit.

Kepala mama berat, mata Mama berpinar..badan panas, selsema, sakit tekak semuanya ada sayang.

Itupun Mama masih mampu tersenyum melihat buah hati Mama. Masih larat menyuap Airiel makan, masih larat menukar lampin Airiel..masih larat mengejar Airiel ke sana ke mari.

Tapi Mama dilarang tidur bersama Airiel. Mama tak pernah tidur berjauhan dengan Airiel sejak Airiel lahir lagi.

Ini sungguh berat buat Mama. Mama degil nak Airiel tidur bersama tapi tadi Nenda buat keputusan kuasa veto. Takut cucu kesayangannya berjangkit dengan Mama. Jadi dia bawa Airiel pergi. Sedih Mama tidak terkira.

Namun Mama tak kesal jatuh sakit, mungkin doa Mama pada Tuhan agar apa jua kesakitan yang Airiel alami baru-baru ini, pindah sahaja kepada Mama dimakbulkan. Airiel dah sihat. Tinggal selsema sikit saja.

Jadi Mama bersyukur atas sakit Mama ni, asalkan Airiel sihat.

Mama mintak maaf tak dapat tidur sambil peluk Airiel seperti apa yg kita lakukan 11 bulan ni.

Mama pun sudahnya tidak dapat tidur. Tak biasa, rasa tak lengkap

Mama minta maaf sayang.

Luv,

Mama