Happy Birthday Kid

"Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of light and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere and  saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favour by trying to shield him from reality. The most important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil..." ~ Walt Disney 

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Almighty, the Most Merciful.

Happy Birthday Son. You are 8 today.

I have to tell you this in the hopes that one day maybe you'll come across this blog and read it. Perhaps then you will realise how much you mean to me.

Your brother died, My world was empty. My relationship with your dad was in shambles. After we went our separate ways, there were days when I thought I would not be able to make it. That I was done with this harsh, cruel place. 

But you, you never gave up on me. You forced me to live, every single day. You made me laugh, you wiped my tears away. You were always there. And bit by bit, over time, I realised that I was happy. Happy things turned out the way they did. You always thought the world of me, and I would think to myself, if this kid thinks I am awesome, than perhaps I am worth something.

I want to tell you how instrumental you were in me getting to this stage in my life. The acceptance, the happiness, the peace, the calm. New beginnings. How I am happy with co-parenting with your dad now. How I am happy to be where I am at in my career. How I am happy with our new life. Happy, blissfully happy. Things truly do happen the way they are supposed to happen.

It's been a hell of a journey these few years kid. I am looking forward to many many more.

I love you very much. Never forget that. 

Thank you.

With Love,

Mama. 

Airiel is 7

"I know you loved both he and I, the way a mother can love 2 sons. And no one should be judged for loving more than they ought, only for loving not enough..." ~ Catherynne M. Valente

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

Hello Airiel.

May you read this blog one day and see the posts I have written with your name. Posts I have written in the name of my love for you.

Today you turned 7.

Always, when you get a year older I get emotional. I am happy, I am sad, I brim with tears, I burst into pearls of laughter.

What a treat it was staying in a hotel room just you and me. We had our own beds, but at 2.00 am you groggily came and hopped into bed with me. And cuddled and hugged me. And kissed me on the cheek until you fell asleep again. I know it was 2.00 am and the bed was too small for 2 people but I just woke up and was so happy you did that and at the same time I just cried and cried and cried. I wondered to myself, how long is my son going to think I am his world? That I can make everything okay? That I am also to blame for everything? (haha, the irony right?).

I hope of all the things I have done wrong in my life, and in this world, I did right by you. I try to do that everyday. I constantly worry of whether I am being strict enough, or loving enough, or caring enough, or whether I am too busy, or whether I am not spending enough time with you.

When I try to remember how life was before you were born, I honestly can say I can't remember anything. That is how much you have changed my life, how monumental your presence have been. Everything else pales in comparison. Cliche, but true.

Its  the way you look at me, its the way you cling to me. How long will this last? I don't know. Maybe until you get yourself a girlfriend or wife. Such is the cycle of life. But whatever time I have, however long it may be, I cherish it. Is that not what your brother Akif taught me? That life should be lived one day at a time. That we live on borrowed time. The time we have, you and I. I will always cherish.

Read this one day my little Airiel, and know that I love you very very much.

Be a good son to your father and I. Be a good servant to the Almighty. Be a good nephew to Bonda and Maksu. Be a good grandson to Nenda, Atok and Opah. Be a good human being to everyone you meet. Be kind. Be who you are meant to be, my son. 

Much love from Mama.

* Photo : - JayIsmailPhotography

* Scarf :- Benang Hijau

* Dress :- FabulousHeejabBoutique

 

2016 - Bring It!

"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Hello Readers.

My New Year's Resolution for 2016?

THIS.

Let's kick ass, my little Padawan. Mama is with you...always.

Be with us, angel Akif and Aisha. Mama misses you both...

Let's do this readers. We are NOT what has happened to us. Or what was done to us. We are MORE.

Believe it. Live it.

Credits : -  JayismailPhotography (find him on instagram)

My Airiel turns 6

"A child can teach an adult 3 things; to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires..." ~ Paul Coelho

"Masih kurang rasaku

Mencintai hatimu

Ingin aku jadi terbaik bagimu

Masih kurangkah aku

Menyayangi hatimu

Mahu aku mengganti setiap sukarmu

Dengan tenang..."

Happy 6th Birthday Airiel.

Penghibur hati Mama...

Pengubat luka di jiwa...

Peneman yang setia...

Pinjaman Tuhan yang terindah dalam hidup Mama

Sometimes, words are just not enough.

Sesungguhnya tanpamu hilanglah makna.

Moga membesar menjadi anak yang soleh dan berjaya dunia dan akhirat untuk mama dan abah.

Mama loves you very very much.

Bangkitlah Matahari

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead" ~ Louisa May Alcott

Matahari bangunlah

Indahkan hari ini

Bagi kami terus melayari hidup kami

Matahari bangkitlah

Indahkan hari ini

Bagi kami terus menghidupkan cinta kami

Lupakan kisah kisah yang terjadi

Mengharap sinar

Sinaran darimu

We are not lost....

"I'm sure you think that I don't understand what you're going through, but I do.

It's just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want..." 

~ Nicholas Sparks

Hello Readers,

Don't really have that much time to update. But most of the updates are on my IG anyway. 

The pics from my photoshoot are back!.

This one picture I will share with you guys.

You are not alone

I am always there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

Because when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When the world's crashing down

And you can't bear the thought

I would say 'Babe, you're not lost'...

Micheal Buble - Lost

I love you son.

Remember.

Bintang Hatiku....

"I pledge to keep you safe..." ~ Kimberly Derting

Aku akan menjagamu

Semampu dan sebisaku

Walau ku tahu ragamu tak utuh

Kan ku terima kekuranganmu

Dan ku tak akan mengeluh

Kerana bagiku engkaulah nyawaku

Hello readers.

Welcome to 2015.

This is a shot from the photoshoot I had with Airiel.

Love, love the picture. Because it captures how I look at Airiel. How I feel.

And yes, I do feel too much.

Too much.

Much love from Airiel and I

Peace and love to everyone.

And this is LOVE...

"Mothers are all slightly insane" ~ J.D Salinger

Hello readers, 

I know its approaching the end of the week.

Things have been crazy busy so you know how it is.

Anyway, it was Airiel's concert last Saturday.

 

 Anak Gua hensem (statement biased takleh blah standard setiap mak kat luar sana haha)

Cute kids made punya events thingymajig for the parents 

Theme was the countries and flags of the world.

The 'POSSE' 

Airiel had such a great time!!

These are the moments I know heaven must exist

These are the moments I know all I need is this

I have got all I have waited for

I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together

I could not ask for more than this time with you

Every prayer has been answered

And every dream I have has came true

And right here in this moment

Is right where we are all meant to be

Right here with you

 Here with me

I could not ask for more than this love you gave me

It's all I have waited for

I could not ask for more..

Mama loves you very much son...

May you feel and remember that love one day.

I have some exciting projects and events coming up. Will share it with you guys soon! I promise.

Have a good weekend ahead everyone.

Much love from Airiel and I

Peace and love to everyone.

A Mother I am...

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without" - Jodi Picoult

Mama misses you Airiel, angel Akif, angel Aisha...Mama loves you more than Mama can describe...

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers out there...

May we be blessed...

100 Happy Days Challenge - Day 8 - Day 14

"The soul is dyed the colour of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny -  it is the light that guides your way" ~ Heraclitus

Hello readers,

I am pushing ahead with the challenge. Let's see whats been awesome this week.

Day 8 - Complete itineraries

Day 9 - Growing older and worrying about your parents and where they go dating hahaha

Day 10 - Going loco over coco. This will be a subject of a foodie post later on.

Day 11 - A quiet day at home

Day 12 - Beautiful sunshine!!

Day 13 - For the love of coffee...

Day 14 - Being madly in love with the Almighty. Biarlah sampai nafas terakhir...

I promised a reader to have 3 updates a week. So I have already started on this. Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be my update days. Unless there is an emergency ke ape.

I am currently recuperating. Minor left arm issues:-

Anyways, Airiel thinks Mama is cool with a bloody and bandaged arm. And he helps out by blowing and kissing the pain away. You're a little painkiller son... Hati cairrrr....

Okay readers. 

Much love from me and Airiel.

Peace and love to everyone.

100 Happy Days Challenge - Day 3 to Day 7

"Your destiny is shaped by choice, never by chance. Beware of the decisions you make, no matter how small, for they will be your salvation, or your death..." ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Hello Readers,

More friends have taken up the challenge! Yeay!! Lets do this!!

Okay let's go...

Day 3 - Kindred introverts speaking through hearts. Kitorg hang out mmg takleh ramai ramai. Berdua je selalunya, kalau ramai mmg arkward tak tahu nak cakap apalah jawabnye. We are introverts, who get immensely uncomfortable in crowds and prefer deep one on one conversations, other than being alone of course. 

Day 4 - Airiel, my amateur photographer and the current object of his photo obsession. Airiel is obsessed with taking photos these days. His own selfies and mine as well. He likes taking photos of his mama. I think he finds it awesome that moments are captured forever. After we take photos, he will insist on looking at it to see if he likes it haha. I am seriously contemplating buying him sort of a durable, cheapo camera to feed this budding hobby of his. My 5 year old son, believe it or not, took the photos of me above all by himself. And I find them to be quite awesome!! Pandai anak aku. Heheh

Day 5 - Setinggi langit di atas, kan ku kejar bahagiamu... Airiel starts school!!!  Haa, gamba kat bawah yg tgh tu dgn kiri tu, selfie dia sendiri tu. Haaa, bukan main lagik. 

Day 6 - Pillow fight!!! Cinta ini kupersembahkan setulus hati kasih... kepadamu. Pure, unconditional love. Can't describe the happiness in my heart in these photos...but I think you guys can tell right? Hehe

Day 7 - When I first saw you I fell in love...and you smiled because you knew... Shakespeare said that, and he is so right. This is a throwback of how cute Airiel was back in the days. Mata bengkak tu sebab this was the time he didn't actually sleep much (3 months to be exact) and drove me insane! haha. Mesti Akif comel gak macamni if he was around. Look at his chubby cheeks!! *geram*

Alright readers.

Have a good week ahead. Halfway through already dah ni.

Much love from me and Airiel.

Peace and love to everyone.

Where You Are...

"One day we will breathe together once again, and you will be smiling back at me....Only then will I be free...when I can be where you are.." 

Dark days for us all, for Malaysia.

Yesterday was Akif day as well.

Sigh, dark. Very dark. 

But Airiel was super cheery happy to see me when I came home and lifted my spirits immediately. He was waiting for me the ENTIRE day he said. Look at him!!!

Candle in the dark. This one. How does he make so happy? Tak paham hehe.

Akif, one day when I see you, when you smile back at me... that is the day that I know I will be truly free.

I will touch you one sweet day.

Sigh.

Okay readers. Foodie posts and online shopping posts to come. I promise!! Sorry about the lag. It just seems to insignificant considering the tragedy the nation is facing.

Sigh.

Huggs.

Peace and love to everyone.

Ceritera Cinta Mama - Airiel turns 5

"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." ~ C. Joybell

My dearest Airiel, 

I hope you will one day read this. You turn 5 tomorrow. Tick tock tick tock. We packed your gift packs together tonight and you loved the stationary I chose for your friends. You reserved your favourites for your best buddy Tayrell. You were super excited about your ice cream cake that I bought for you to cut tomorrow in school.

I do not believe in extravagant parties Airiel, so this is the closest you are going to get to having one.

Your happiness and excitement is contagious. And I laughed away. But there is a yearning and a certain heaviness in my heart. I want to tell you what my heart wants to say.

I honestly can't remember how life was like before you came along into my life. But every moment since you were born is crystal clear. I remember everything. How you cried the loudest in the ward when you were born. How you would crumple your nose before you begin to cry. How you did not sleep for 3 months at one time and drove Nenda, Atuk, Opah and I absolutely bonkers. How I would dress you up in these hilarious rompers and take funny pictures. How at one time you would only want to sleep on my lap and would not fall asleep anywhere else, that time you were so small you could actually fit on my lap.

Your tiger style of crawling, your first steps, your first word, your funny way of sleeping, your smell.

Those images are like a slideshow playing in my head. My heart just grows bigger and bigger, trying to contain a flooding of emotion I cannot comprehend or understand. I feel so much love it overwhelms me sometimes. 

I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you as my constant companion throughout these years. Things have changed, circumstances altered, but if there is one thing constant, it is that I will always be beside you, as you are beside me...a quiet presence, radiating love that heals me from within. 

I want to tell you how sorry I am, because I could not give you what you deserved. I could not give you a family that was complete. I hope one day when you are older, you will understand the extreme circumstances that I had to face before I made the decision that changed our lives forever. That what happened was never your fault. 

I want you to know that you were born out of love, and you live as a symbol of love that will forever be etched in my heart. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you are loved my son, and will always be loved by your father and I. Nothing else matters.

I want you to know that even if I can't give you the world Airiel, I will give you mine. That even if I can't give you everything, I will give you everything that I have. 

Remember Airiel, in life there is always a choice. So choose...

Choose iman

Choose prayer

Choose faith

Choose hope

Choose courage

Choose heart

Choose soul

Choose forgiveness

Choose love

They say I am supposed to teach you things Airiel, but you have taught me more about life and love in these 5 years than I could ever think possible.

For that, I will always be grateful.

Remember what I told you Airiel. Always remember that you are braver than what you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think...

Happy Birthday, Airiel.

I love you. Remember that. No one can take it.

Forever yours,

Mama

Of Hope...

"None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are.." ~ Anne Rice

There has been no news on MH370. Sigh

I look at the pictures of the families, not knowing what happened to their beloved. It is not knowing, not being in control, being helpless, waiting. How it kills. I pray. Airiel says 'Amin'. He asks me 'Org dalam kapal terbang tu pergi syurga macam Akif ke Mama?' and I am besieged by a stabbing sensation in my heart so painful it brings me to my knees. Raw. I smile and say 'Kita doa ye Airiel sayang?'. I look away because I swore to myself never to shed a tear in front of my son ever again unless they are tears of happiness.

There must be hope. There should be closure.

And so I look at the little things.

His endless kisses and how they change my world and heals my heart, piece by piece... 

Angel Akif always in my heart, waiting for me in heaven, a frequent visitor in my dreams... 

Airiel pretending to be Ultraman and I am his Raksasa... 

Pillow fights and laughter... 

Running away in panic when Airiel finds a freaking big pillow to bash this Raksasa...

We are a nation in mourning...

Let us pray and hope...

Have a good weekend ahead readers. 

Peace and love to everyone...

It's The Way You Make Me Feel...

"When you look into your mother's eyes, you know that is the purest love you can find on this Earth" ~ Mitch Alborn

It's been a crazy busy week.

I am so looking forward to the weekend.

Just put Airiel to sleep. Missing both my kids huhu. 

And no matter what, I carry you inside... 

Me + You 

Have a good weekend

Peace and love to everyone...

96:4 [Part 2]

"If we burn...you burn with us..." ~ Mockingjay

Hey readers,

I am anticipating a crazy monday so might as well do my first update for the week now. This is a heartwarming moment I had with Airiel last week.

I am so blessed...

I find that the bond I share with Airiel is indescribable. He is attuned to my emotions as much I am attuned to his. If he even gets quiet or slightly upset, I would sense it.

He wakes me up every morning with his relentless kisses. He runs to the door every day that I come home from work expecting a huge hug. He makes me laugh endlessly in amusement at his antics. His constant demands for selfies with mama hahaha.

Sometimes when he is deep in thought, he would just lie next to me in my room holding my hand and we don't say a single thing to each other. And we stay like that for a good hour, being calm and still. We just enjoy the presence of each other. Sometimes we would just look at each other and start laughing non-stop. Semua org tgk kitorg mcm pelik hahaha. But Airiel and I share a language no one else understands... it's the song of our hearts.

He knows shopping makes me happy so he indulges me in it. Looks at photos of stuff with me. These days he has become more opinionated and involved and he even picks out stuff for me, from shoes to bags to fabric to tudung... I won't buy it without the Airiel seal of approval.

It is amazing at how much love my heart can hold for this little man. How much his love has been a healing force in my life. It's as if he has singlehandedly picked up every broken piece of my heart, arranged it sesuka hati dia...and patched it up with some kind of magic glue. I find that my 'patched up by Airiel heart' looks pretty awesome. I quite like it.

My padawan...

When he smiles, I feel like a little child...

Have a good week ahead everyone! Bertabahlah dalam mencatu air.

Much love from me and Airiel.

It's All About US

"People speak sometimes about the 'bestial' cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts. no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel" ~  Fyodor Dostoyevsky

If they hurt you

They hurt me too

So hold on tight

Hold on to me

Because it's all about us

It's all about us

This is one thing they can never touch

It's all about us...