Thantophobia

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again..." ~ Suzanne Collins

For some it is a phobia. For Mama it was a reality, angel Akif. Today is your birthday. Today is the day you left Mama and Airiel 4 years ago. Thank you for teaching me how to survive loving and losing. Thank you for the permanent scars on my body I now carry with me everywhere in memory of you. Thank you for hugging and kissing me in my dreams. Thank you for teaching me that love hurts, and that's why it matters. Thank you for making me weak and then making me strong. Mama misses you so much. More than words can say. More than tears can ever convey. May you be blessed kid. Al-Fatihah

There is no definition of 'Better' for me...

"At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into  the stone.  It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.." ~ Arthur Golden

This request has been sitting in my inbox for the longest time. 

I read it, reread it, thought about helping her answer the question, decided against it, left it hoping i'd forget, came across it again...the process repeats every so often.

Her daughter passed away in her sleep of SIDS 7 years ago. She says 7 years to the day and she is having trouble to deal. She has sleepless nights, she has nightmares. I am fine with reading this. And then after telling me what she has gone through, she asks me a question which makes me shift in my seat everytime I read it. She asks me 'have you gotten better? how do you deal with it? I see you have not written about your feelings for a while...', Everytime I read this email, I wanted to delete it but the last sentence always stops me. She says 'please help me sis...I don't know what to do. It's affecting my marriage, its affecting my capabilities as a mother...please help...' 

I shift in my seat because I honestly do not know how to answer her. I don't. For the longest time I did not want to answer, because the truth is painful, but I owe it to Akif to help other mothers who have suffered the loss of their kids. That was my promise to myself when he died. So i will try my best.

The short answer is 'I don't know'. The long answer would be 'it depends on the day'. 

How do I go back to the way I was before Akif died? That is basically what her email was asking me, whether she can ever get better and go back to the way she was.

I honestly can't speak for anybody else, but for me, there was never any going back to who I was before he died. I will never go back to the way I was before that point. It was simply impossible.

When he died, a part of me died with him, and that is permanent. What part of me that I lost was permanent, irreversible. And so I changed. When he died, I changed.  

But that did not mean I never got better. Not being able to go back to the way I was did not equate to not getting better, it just meant that I had to learn to make the best of what is left of me now and moving forward.

Because moving forward is inevitable, because not moving forward would mean that I would have to stay still and die. And I simply could not do that. I had one more son which was alive, which needed me. And he was stubborn in his demand for whatever that I had left. He would look me in the eye and tell me how much he loved me and demanded that I say it back to him 10 times louder. He would wake me up with kisses and drag me out of bed when I simply had no strength to go through a particular day. He was relentless, constant, unwavering. In other words, he kept me alive. And for the longest time, I had the weirdest logical thought process, I must stay alive and be the best person I can be, because that is the only way I might get a shot at seeing Akif after all that is said and done on the other side.

But that is my drive to pick up the pieces of whoever I was left and to stick it back together and hobble along. I don't know whats yours. But whatever it is, keep on holding on to it. Don't expect to be exactly who you were before she died of SIDS. Don't use that person as a benchmark or definition of getting 'better'. It is NOT and it never will be. The person who you were before is gone, so say goodbye to her and make your peace with the fact that you have changed along with what has happened to you.

People say, the songs say about how nothing can break them, and equates being broken to weakness. For the longest time, I believed it too. But these tears, our tears, our despair and overcoming it is not a sign of weakness, it is simply a process we have to go through to become mended. 

If you have sleepless nights, well I have them too. If you have nightmares, I am not afraid to say that I have them too. It does not mean I am not better, it just means that I miss what I have lost, sometimes unbearably so. We have those days, and we are not any lesser or weaker for having them. 

I have those days and nights, and I get through them. And I have them again. The process repeats itself. 

In between those days though, I see and memorize the laughter of those still living, I look at sunsets with interest, I look at the waves and seas with longing, I notice how the clouds can have funny shapes when Airiel points it out to me. I smile when and laugh when my friends and family makes silly jokes, I read incessantly. I drink too much coffee. I travel and see the miracles that make me feel so small. I am content. 

I honestly do not know what 'better' is and when I will get there. But this is okay. What I have right now is okay. And that is the truth. I do not know of a word to describe what stage I am at and that is okay too.

I hope this helps you.

May your daughter and both my angel children be blessed.

Akif, this one's for you.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Missing Piece...

"Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily..." ~ Lemony Snicket

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Almighty.

Hello readers.

I am happy to state that the family's open house cum mini launch of Aracare went smoothly yesterday. With a few hiccups, we managed to sail through.

Such a blessed day yesterday was. No more open houses for the next 5 years Bonda and I say, although Airiel's atok is already silently planning for the next one, I know it! haha.

Thank you for the friends that took their time to attend. You guys are rock stars.

I know I have not written about any serious topics for a while, most recent blog posts are usually about travels, food and other reviews. So I think it's about time for one of those.

I realised that with time I am able to speak about angel Akif more casually without bursting into tears. But one of my triggers on what kills me (I am not sure how to explain it but the emotional distress does sometime feel and translate so much so that it feels like physical pain) are social events.

I look around and realise my family is NOT complete. That whilst I was preparing and breezing through the day before and during the event that my angel Akif should be here with me and Airiel. That he would have been 3 and a half. That he should be with me but he just isn't. That there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

That he is not with me.

That he is not here.

That he is gone.

That he should be with me but he isn't.

I saw a post on grief  by Patton Oswalt that struck me. His wife died in her sleep, shocking him and daughter. He said:-

"Thanks for making depression look like the buzzing little bully it always was. Depression is the tallest kid in the 4th grade, dinging rubber bands off the back of your head and feeling safe on the playground, knowing that no teacher is coming to help you.

But grief? Grief is Jason Statham holding that 4th grade bully's head in a toilet and then fu**ing the teacher you've got a crush on in front of the class. Grief makes depression cower behind you and apologize for being such a di**.

If you spend 102 days completely focused on ONE thing you can achieve miracles. Make a film, write a novel, get MMA ripped, kick heroin, learn a language, travel around the world. Fall in love with someone. Get 'em to love you back.

But 102 days at the mercy of grief and loss feels like 102 years and you have sh** to show for it. You will not be physically healthier. You will not feel "wiser." You will not have 'closure.' You will not have 'perspective' or 'resilience' or 'a new sense of self.' You WILL have solid knowledge of fear, exhaustion and a new appreciation for the randomness and horror of the universe. And you'll also realize that 102 days is nothing but a warm-up for things to come."

And his ending words about him getting up everyday and moving on:-


And I'm going to start telling jokes again soon. And writing

. And acting in stuff and making things I like and working with friends on projects and do all the stuff I was always so privileged to get to do before the air caught fire around me and the sun died. It's all I knew how to do before I met Michelle. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do now without her.

The link to Patton's article is here.

I realise while I can function normally on most days, when the grief hits once in a while, it is absolutely devastating. It is a crippling and an all consuming pain. I cannot eat, I cannot breathe, I cannot sleep, I cannot stay still, I cannot move, I cannot do anything. I curve myself up into a little ball and wait for the stabbing sensations to subside and yes, it takes a while.

Does that mean I am not grateful for my life? Hell no. On the contrary I appreciate every single little thing and detail more and more. That beautiful ray of sunshine, the fluffy cloulds, airiel's laughter, my favourite bowl of vietnamese noodles. I am alive, I am breathing, I survived.

There he is. Xoxo kid...

And if I can do it, all of you out there can do it too. This is the purpose of me sharing what I share. So that we can all continue to fight battles no one knows about, and yet not feel so alone while doing it.

Everyday is a battle. But it is a battle we can overcome.

The ones that have been taken from us are forever gone, never to return. Let us be the best person we can ever be in their memory and continue their legacy.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

My beloved Akif - 3 years on

"This is a love story. I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make people do so many things. I never knew there were so many different ways to say goodbye..." ~ Maggie Stiefvater

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Yesterday, my angel Akif would have been 3, had he been here with me and Airiel.

I share the chronicles of my struggle so that mothers who have lost their child, either due to hydrops or in any other way, know that they are not alone. 

I tell this story so that all mothers know that as mothers you can bleed with all that gaping wound the child you lost have left in his/her wake, but also in that grief and pain you bleed, you can bleed love and grace.

I am much much better 3 years on. Most days I function great. Being busy does really help. And I think its important that as mothers/fathers who are struggling from the loss of their child busy themselves.

It is more of the triggers that usually get to me, like that sofa seat in Dr. Cafe in Citta Mall facing the window where I would always sit at in the mornings (having been away from work for 4 months) counting heartbeats to make sure that Akif was alive for another day. Like that white honda car (Stevie, I call it) which I drove to the hospital with Nenda in the passenger seat and Airiel on her lap, she was crying all the way to the hospital. I sold the car after that, I just couldn't bear the flashbacks. Like that moment, half awake in surgery I knew the doctors took Akif out of me and I could not hear a cry. Like when I see another baby wearing that exact baby shirt I bought for him which I eventually gave away. Like when I accidentally see one of my flowy tops I kept in my closet which I would wear all the time while I was carrying him (3 years on and I still can't bear throwing it out, sigh - will do it soon). Like that moment when Bonda told me that Atok carried Akif on his lap all the way to the cemetery. Like the moment I got discharged from the hospital and they gave me Akif's dead body tag, morgue tag and his post-natal ICU ward tag which they put on him while he was fighting for his life.

The list is endless..

So I will be going about my normal day, and I would see certain things that triggers the memory and everything will play out like a 3D movie screening, and I would be reeling from it. It feels like a stab sometimes, most times like a punch to the chest, where you have all the wind knocked out of you. Yes, pretty much like that.

I do not know the 5 stages of grief, or where I am at with it, or whether I would ever be out of it. I do not know what is normal or considered normal. This is my normal, and I am happy with that. 

I realise that family support is extremely important, but while it helps, only I can deal with my grief and help myself out of it. My family have thankfully and mercifully (I might add), left me alone to deal at the times they know I am not up to being pleasant. Sometimes I forget that while I have lost a son, Bonda has lost her nephew, that Nenda and Atok have lost their grandson, that I suffer yes, but so do they, and they feel a pain which I know not of. 

The recovery is ongoing, but I am thankful for what I do have (on most days).

Deep down in my heart I have a regret that all mothers have, that wish that there was something more they could have done, that maybe if I tried harder, I could have saved him, that maybe if I did something different, things would not turn out the way it did. I am only human, sigh.

Some pain and experiences in our lives dulls us, numbs us. But Akif, he CHANGED me. And I was never the same since.

You made me strong angel child. You made me understand how it feels to yearn for someone, how to fight for something you believe in. You made me understand the power and will within us, and that there are powers which are beyond. You made me understand hope. You made me understand pain and overcome it. You made me understand...

You made me understand love, and how sometimes to love means to let go.

And I love you so. And so I let you go.

Follow Akif's journey here.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Gravity

"I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. And this is one; I'm going to tell it - but take care not to smile at any part of it..." ~ Emily Bronte

In the name of Allah, the Benevolent, the most Merciful.

At the outset, I must say that this post is about Akif and Aisha...

I have not written about them in so long. And I find not writing makes it heavy. The weight of keeping everything inside, its heavy.

I stumbled along this song, and it immediately gave me flashbacks of my angel son and angel daughter. Sometimes, how you feel, words just fall short. And it takes a song, or its melody to express it for you.

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I still feel you here until the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I've never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me because I'm fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

All my fragile strength is gone

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need

Here on the ground

You're neither friend or foe

Though I can't seem to let you go

One thing that I know

Is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me

On to me

On to me

All over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long..

Mama misses you Akif

Ummi misses you Aisha

More than anyone could know or imagine...

Death is only a Heartbeat Away...

"I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.." ~ Emily Bronte

In the name of Allah swt, the Merciful and the Benevolent.
 

We all know death awaits us. But because its so scary to think about, we push down the thought of us ever being taken away from this plane down in the depths of our sub-concious . I think its just human nature, the parts of us that focus on self-preservation.

I am no different. But the Almighty is fair. And just at the moment when I begin to forget the mortality of my existence, I am always shaken awake.

Nenda, my ice queen was an orphan. Her late mother's sister, her grandmother and one of her older cousins were the ones who took over the role as her mother, as she lived away from her father when he remarried.

Her late mother's sister was a mother to her and a grandmother to me. I remember her passing away when I was sitting for my PMR exams. She never got to see me become an advocate and solicitor or Bonda becoming a doctor.

Her children, my mother's cousins grew up with her and became her de facto siblings. They were always there with us and for us. When we came back from the UK broke with a handicapped maksu, we stayed at the longest time in a small, 2 room flat in USJ with their family.

They went everywhere with us for berubat sessions for Maksu, and never stopped being supportive of us. A future that seemed so bleak at the time I remember, was made all better with their support and laughter.

When my mother suddenly lost her cousin last week, I was shaken to the core, because it was so sudden, and because for the first time in my life, I saw my mother's resolve to continue to live shaken.

I wasn't given the privilege of being with her at the moment of her passing, and only managed to escort her back home from the hospital with her only son, head in his hands sitting beside me in the car. She will not have the chance of seeing her first grandchild, her daughter in law being only 7 months along at the time of her passing. 

And when I saw my mother sitting alone on the stairs of our house yesterday, I realised something I never realised before, that my mother was tired.

My mother was tired, that she was seeing those that she loved, who she grew up with, who had loved her throughout her difficult life, one by one return to the Almighty... and that she was tired.

And as I quietly sat on the stairs with her, just listening to her speak while she broke down into floods of tears, I heard her admit that she really felt like she wanted to follow wherever my aunt is right now.

And the strangest thing was, I admitted to her that I understood how that feels like because I have felt like that from time to time.

There are days that I miss Akif so much that dying seems like the only logical option for me to see him, even for a while. And then I shake myself and remind myself what would happen to Airiel if I die. And I carry on. I pray everyday that please let me see my son in my sleep so I don't go crazy missing him. Alhamdulillah I do get to see him from time to time.

I realised that in so many ways, I am as tired as my mother. 

I realised that as my son grows, my parents are getting older.

The people that have been there for me throughout my life, they might not be there anymore one day.

 

Indeed we shall all return to dust one day.

I hope we are all prepared for the inevitable.

Let us be the best Muslims we can be in the meantime.

Have a good rest of the weekend.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places..." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Hello readers.

An update about Akif, well sort of.

The picture below Airiel asked me to take. This was Sunday.

When I asked him why. He says that he wants to look at it whenever he thinks of his brother.

Sigh

 What is in that head and heart of yours little one?

Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way

All that you rely on

And all that you can fake

Will leave you in the morning

Will find you in the day

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

You're all I taste 

At night

Inside of my mind

You run away

Because I am not what you found

You're in my veins and I cannot get you out

Everything will change

Nothing stays the same

Nobody is perfect

But everyone is to blame

All that you rely on

And all that you can say

Will leave you in the morning

And find you in the day

Everything is dark

It's more than you can take

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining

Shining down on your face

Your face

You're in my veins

And I cannot get you out

I cannot get you out

In my veins ~ Noah and Allie

"Me : Why do you want to see Akif?

Airiel : I miss my brother

*Silence*

Airiel : Do you miss him too?

Me : I miss him too sayang. I miss him too"

Verily, with hardship there is relief.

And yet only love can hurt like this.

Have a good week ahead readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

The Turn I Cannot Seem to Make

"There's a moment when love makes you believe in death for the first time. You recognise the ones whose loss, even contemplated, you'll carry forever, like a sleeping child. All grief, anyone's grief... is the weight of a sleeping child..." ~ Anne Micheals

Ever since February, 2nd 2015. I have not been able to go back.

There are days when I go to work or come back from work and I will tell myself  'Today, I'll go visit him. Today I am strong enough...'. And then as I near that fork in the road that would lead to where he is, I just can't seem to go into the junction. 

My brain freezes, my hands sweat, my stomach churns, my vision blurs. My heart...it just breaks. And I drive on. Always looking at that junction from my rear-view mirror as it fades away.

I can't do it. I just can't do it.

And then, I will spend the rest of the day asking myself 'What is wrong with me? I used to be able to do this, easy peasy. It's nothing more than a grave..'. And I will miss him for the rest of  the day. An ache that never dulls.

I was always kidding myself. It never was easy to go there. But these days, it just seems so much harder.

It's like I am damned if I go, and I am damned if I don't.

2 years on and yet the struggle is ever present.

The struggle for sanity. To overcome grief. To function normally.

It is a daily battle. As a mother who has lost a child, it is a daily battle.

I miss him so very much. Some days, more than I can bear it. 

It brings me to my knees, knocks out the strength in me.

Gugur semangatku mengharung dunia.

I will never forget the moment his heart stopped, and mine kept on beating.

 

See You Again

"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now..?" ~ Douglas Adams

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Who knew

All the planes we flew

Good things we've been through

That I'd be standing right here talking to you

About another path

I know we love to hit the road and laugh

But something told me that it wouldn't last

Had to switch up

Look at things different

See the bigger picture

Those were the days

Hard work forever pays

Now I see you in a better place

How can we not talk about family

When family is all that we got

Everything I went through

You were standing there by my side

And now you're going to be with me for the last ride

First you both go out your way

And the vibe is feeling strong

And what's small turned to a friendship

A friendship turned into a bond

And that bond will never be broken 

And the love will never get lost

And when brotherhood come first

Then the line will never be crossed

Established it on our own

When that line had to be drawn

And that line is what we reached

So remember me when I'm gone

So let the light guide your way

Hold every memory as you go

And every road you take

Will always lead you home

Home

It's been a long day without you my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

Mama misses you angel Akif.

Umi misses you angel Aisha.

Putting one foot in front of the other now.

Some days are long. Too long.

One day if I ever see you again, I'll tell you all about it.

2

"Everyone has their weak spot. The one thing that, despite your best efforts, will always bring you to your knees, regardless of how strong you are otherwise..." ~ Sara Dessen

Miss you little one...

I'm weak in the knees for you

But I'll stand if you want me to

My legs are strong and I move on

But my baby I'm weak in the knees

For you...

The Darkness Is Coming...

"Some nights the sky wept stars that quickly floated and disappeared into the darkness before our wishes could meet them" ~ Ishmael Beah

My dearest Akif,

02.02.2013.

On Monday it will be 02.02.2015.

Tick tock tick tock.

You would have been 2 years old.

I know you are in a better better place than I could ever be or hope to see.

I am glad that of all places, that is where you are. 

I have like so many things I have done in my life, let you go.

But like all mothers, I have to say I miss you.

I miss you everyday, but on some days I have to admit it gets unbearable for me. I call them the 'dark days'.

I can feel it angel son. I can feel the darkness coming. 

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't function. The dark days are always that bad. Your big brother Airiel keeps me going. Drags me out of bed. Covers my tears with kisses. Makes me laugh. Keeps me sane. 

What I would give for a hug, for 45 minutes with you, to hear your voice or laugh or something like that. But I know, I am selfish because that is maybe what I think I want, but once I get a taste of that, I would want more. More and more. More and more of you. 

Some things are just not meant to be. 

Nothing else hurts like missing you do. Nothing.

Promise me Akif, that when the day comes....ages and ages from now that you will find me. That is what was promised by the Almighty to me. Find me. 

"Masih terasa nafasmu

Lembut menusuk jiwaku

Tenang dihembus bayu

Membawa khabar rindu

Tapi sulit ku teruskan

Engkau jauh ke hadapan

Aku tabah berjalan

Sembunyikan harapan..."

Takziah QZ8501

"With his revelation... I shattered into a million shards. I felt each piece as it splintered and separated from the whole like a glass I had broken the day before. Debris flew everywhere. It left me without any option but to pick each broken pieces up, analyze it, and find out where it belonged. I had to find out where I belonged" ~ T.R Graves

I know grief

I know death

I know loss

It haunts my dreams, my nights. Almost 3 years ago and committed to memory.

I wake up crying most nights, with the same dream of how that kind lady doctor held my hand in that surgery recovery room while I was covered with a shiny metal blanket over me and told me my SON had died. That he had lost his fight. I was alone. ALONE. Always alone.

And that I was shivering with cold. It haunts. It plunders. Eating away at my soul. Some days I tether on the edge of insanity. Some days are bearable. Rindu ingin berjumpa anak yg dicinta lebih dari nyawa. Sesungguhnya rindu itu menyeksa jiwa.

Gone.

My condolences to all the families of those lost in Flight QZ5801. The grief unimaginable. The pain unbearable. 

May you be granted courage to face what none should.

May those lost be blessed.

It is a trying year indeed.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

A Nation Tested...

"Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Everytime you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself; That's it. That's my heart..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Readers,

It has been a time of trials and tribulations for anything and everything Malaysia this year.

My heart bleeds for those affected by the floods in Pantai Timur, Perak, Kedah.

After volunteering at a centre I am taking a break because I need to take care of Airiel.

But I wish I could do more. I wish I had tonnes of money at my disposal to help those who cannot help themselves.  Alas I do not.

I wish for endless energy to help pack, unpack and rearrange stuff into boxes. I don't have that either.

But for those who do want to help, I list down places and organisations that are helping out. Don't be shy in going and helping out, they need every pair of hands to help. They will welcome you.

Don't be afraid to spare with some of your hard earned cash and bonuses. Just close your eyes and put yourself in their shoes. It is simply unimaginable.

I list those that I know off here:-

1. Groupon has a voucher you can buy where 100% of it goes to the Malaysian Red Crescent Society. Lowest sum is RM10. Highest is RM100. Link is here;

2. Muslim Care. Its collection centre is in Shah Alam. Seksyen 8

3. IM4U. Drop by their centre in Bukit Kiara that is open 24 hours with goods. Or help in packing and labeling.

4. UITM's Misi Ops Banjir.

5. 3 NGO's have combined in getting relief efforts moving. Drop by with your goods at pintu masuk Matrade where the Vendeur Festival is going on right now.

6. This is an effort by Free Market for Pantai Timur. Drop by with your goods at Harley's Malaysia in TTDI.

7. Aman Palestin.They are targeting to collect 1 mil by 15 Jan 2015.

8. Even Milkadeal has set up an emergency flood relief appeal centre. You can contact them at this address:-

MilkADeal.com
22-3 (2nd Floor), Jalan PJU 8/5G
Damansara Perdana
47820 Petaling Jaya
Selangor

T: +603 7733 4733

(We are located directly behind Public Mutual, above Mutiara D'Maju mamak on the 2nd floor)

There are more organisations, but the above is what I can list down for now.

And below is not a donation request. A friend on FB uploaded this and I think it is extremely useful. So below a  list of a basic emergency kit everyone should have at home.

Just today, another plane went missing. This time its AirAsia:-

We are, a nation tested. Let us show the rest of the world that we band together and rise in times of calamity. That we shall stand hand in hand in facing the difficulties that are upon us. 

Let us show the rest of the world what we are made of. 

Courage my fellow Malaysians, courage.

And last but not least, a prayer for all of us to recite:-

Much  love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Bye Bye

"She leaned down and looked at his lifeless face and Leisel kissed her best friend, Rudy Steiner, soft and true on his lips. He tasted dusty and sweet. He tasted like regret in the shadows of trees and in the glow of the anarchist's suit collection. She kissed him long and soft, and when she pulled herself away, she touched his mouth with his fingers...She did not say goodbye. She was incapable, and after a few more minutes at his side, she was able to tear herself from the ground. It amazes me what humans can do, even when streams are flowing down their faces and they stagger on...." ~ Markus Zusak 

Hello everyone,

It is a Monday.

I miss Akif today. For the longest time I could not even bear to listen to that song by Mariah Carey, Bye bye. Familiar with it?

Yesterday I accidentally heard a remix of the song with Mariah Carey and Jay Z.

I just cried and cried when I heard it.

Right THERE. At the heart. Stab, stab, stab.

Some of the beginning parts of the remix really ... well... you can read it below:-

"I'm wishing the days could go fast

So I can crash

Close my eyes

Try to go to sleep

And bring you back but..

I can't bring you back

(No, can't bring you back)

...Wish time could freeze

But our time is up

And I promise you

I am going to hold it down until it is my time to leave

And I am okay

I mean I am alright, I am not okay

And it hurts my soul

I won't see your face

But if you truly are in a better place

Like what they say

Then that's okay

I'll be alright..."

I never knew that I could hurt like this... but I will be alright.

I miss you, angel son.

Have a good week ahead everyone.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Seumur Hidupku...

"You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. 

Language buries, but does not resurrect..." ~ John Green

Dengarkan bisikan kalbuku

Sungguh besar mencintaimu

Rasakan

Rasakan rinduku yang dalam sedalam samudera

Mencintaimu

Menyayangimu

Merindukanmu seumur hidupku

Tuhan kuatkanlah hati ini

Saat dia tinggalkan diriku sendiri

Walau pedih ini sungguh perit

Akan ku relakan 

Asalkan dia bahagia

[Bisikan Rinduku - Dayang Nurfaizah]

Mama tahu Akif di tempat yang lebih baik.

Alhamdulillah. Berbahagialah di sana, anak syurga Mama.

Promise me when the time comes Akif, carilah Mama di sana.

Itu janji Yang Maha Esa pada insan-insan seperti Mama. Bahawa anak anak syurga kami akan menangis apabila tidak berjumpa ibu bapa mereka dan meminta agar dipertemukan, dan disitu kami akan kekal bersama anak anak syurga kami.

Itu pendorong hidup Mama, putting one foot in front of the other every day. Towards you. YOU.

I love you son.

Then, Now, Forevermore.

The Darker Days...

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk" ~ Stephanie Meyer

Hello Readers,

It is a Monday.

I must state from the very outset that this post is about Akif.

I have shared with you Akif's story from the moment I found out about his hydrops until the day he took his last breath.

I have shared with you how I have faced the days since I buried him.

There are okay days. There are dark days. And then there are days where I cannot see the light at all. The darkest I call them.

Last week was one such week.

There is always a trigger for things turning darkest I find.

For last week, it was this.

Airiel woke up last week with an obsession. He wanted to see his little brother. I relented after the 37th time he pestered me (Yes, I counted because I am anal like that).

So I brought him.

It amazed me to no end to see how grown up and mature he acted. He amin all the prayers I recited. He insisted that he pour the water over his little brother's grave. He helped me pull out all the weeds. He was talking to his little brother. He brought along his current favourite toy at that moment (because it changes pretty much every week). A bat mobile which he 'showed' Akif.

And then he said something which astounded me and killed me at the same time. He said 'I hope you have better toys in heaven brother, we cannot play together'.

It felt like a samurai sword had just sliced me in half and then chopped my heart into little pieces. And then it felt like someone tried to force feed me the chopped little pieces of my own heart.

He was pleased with himself that he visited.

I was okay initally. The grief of it only kicked in a few days later. When I realised how messed up things are.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be having a conversation with his brother at his brother's grave.

How messed up it was for Airiel to be facing this when he is only 5 years old.

How messed up it was for me to watch my son grow up too fast. How I could not protect him.

How I could not protect Akif. How I could not save him.

How messed up things are.

How its just so messed up.

And I know Akif is in heaven, and he visits me in my dreams. How it is a much better place to be. No pain, no suffering. Things are all beautiful and peaceful.

But in those days when the darkness consumes me, I do not want Akif to be in heaven. I want him to be here with me.

I do not want Akif to be in a better place. I want him to be here with me.

I don't want to settle for seeing Akif in my dreams. I want him to be here with me.

Screw the beautiful, peaceful place. I want him here with me, with Airiel.

I want him with me and everything else can be damned.

I am such a human. So flawed, so greedy, so damaged.

I am so damned, blessed. Depending on whichever way you look at it.

Let this darkness pass, like everything else.

My dearest Almighty, janganlah Kau sesatkan cintaku.

Mama rindu Akif.

Rindu.

United in Grief

"We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, too find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad" ~ John Green

Hello readers.

Too much has happened not only to Malaysia but to the world this year.

I shake as I type this but I have to. I must write so these events will forever be etched in my mind, recorded here for all of time. I need to always remember...

Malaysia

MH17, 17.07.2014. A Malaysian Airlines commercial plane on its way to Kuala Lumpur from Amsterdam crashed in Ukraine, near the Russian border.

298 passengers and cabin crew members lost their lives.

Infants were also on board.

The plane has allegedly been shot down by Ukraine separatists. Investigations have commenced into this incident.

Gaza

17.07.2014 - For the first time in history Israel announced it has launched ground operations against Gaza. 

The last time I checked, civilian casualties stand at 302, a majority of them children, women and the elderly.

As I type this, the Wafa orthopedic hospital in Gaza is under attack with patients still inside the hospital.

2 days ago, 4 boys playing football on a beach was systematically butchered by missiles targeted at them in full view of international reporters. Blown to pieces. Gone, dead. 

__________________________________________________________________

This world no longer makes sense to me.

Today, we stand as a nation in grief for the fate that befell MH17 and MH370 which has yet to be resolved.

Today, I see humanity on the brink where women, children, the elderly and hospitals can be targeted in military operations so blatantly, with impunity and with no call for responsibility on the perpetrators.

Today I see values in jeopardy when people around me not only turn a blind eye against injustices and tragedy, offers no solutions, and neither do they assist in whichever way that they can, no matter how small that may be. People that I see firsthand losing any sense of compassion, empathy and justice. People who believe that they are too insignificant to make a difference, and thus does not even try. People who do not live, but merely exist.

This heart breaks.

This heart bleeds.

Prayers to all who have lost their lives, be it in flight MH17, MH370, Gaza, Syria, Burma...this list is not exhaustive.

Prayers. May all of you be blessed. 

May all of those who are left behind be given the strength and courage to accept what they cannot change, to let go of what they have lost. This is my prayer, and I pray because in reality it is perhaps the one most difficult thing to do. 

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Too beautiful too forget...

"You don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope" ~ Suzanne Collins

My dearest Akif,

It is Ramadhan.

The month of fasting.

The month of giving.

The month of compassion.

The month of forgiveness.

For Mama, it is the month where I will see you every night without fail.

You are always dressed in green. Always smiling. Sitting on my lap. Hugging my neck.

How I cannot wait to close my eyes every night so we can meet.

How real it feels, being there with you.

Until it is time for you to leave. And I struggle to let go of your hand before you go back to where you belong. 

And you look at me smiling. And I muster up every single fibre of my being, strength and courage to smile back before you disappear. And my heart breaks, even in my dreams. I crumble.

And another day has begun.

I found the love that I knew I would miss.

I miss you little one. 

Thank you Almighty for giving me a chance to see my son. Thank you.

Mother Pours Boiling Water on 6 Year Old Child - Yes B*&^# you must be going to HELL

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the print of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair..." ~ Mitch Alborn

Warning : Ini adalah post EMO. 

That is my FB rant this morning.

And I am far from done. When I read the news this morning, my heart just froze with fear. And anger. And grief. 

I cannot read any kind of news that involves child casualties these days. It will just make me cry and will most definitely ruin the rest of my day, or week, or for how long I don't know.

What makes it worse in this case is that the perpetrator is either the birth mother or the step mother. The word 'MOTHER' seems almost inappropriate here. The rest of my comments summarises exactly how I feel.

This kind of news strikes me at the heart because it is also my greatest fear. As a single mom, not only do I have the fear of being burned again if I ever get into another relationship/marriage, my greatest phobia is how it would affect Airiel.

When I became single, I made a promise to myself to never do 2 things ever again:-

1. Cry in front of my son unless they were tears of happiness; and

2. To be so selfish as to let the interests of someone else (mine included) before him and I promised that I would always protect him.

Maintaining an amicable relationship with Airiel's father is also a priority to me because we will always be his parents, and that must come first before anything else to me. Yg dah lepas tu lepaslah, nak marah lama lama buat apo? Cepat tua deyy... 

Reading news like this just makes me so angry.

I hope these irresponsible and cruel parents will hang for their crime. And rot in hell as well because there must be a special place in hell somewhere for a mother/stepmom/father/stepfather/parent who abuses a child who cannot defend themselves, or those parents who just stand by and watch while their spouses abuses their child.

May Allah bless you little angel boy Mohammad Akhil Mustaqim Rashidy. You will be forever 6. Have fun playing up there with my angel Akif and Aisha.

Much love from me and Airiel.

Peace and love to everyone, except the parents of this angel boy. They should have no peace, or love. Let the ghosts of their sins haunt them till their dying day.