"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." ~ C. Joybell
My dearest Airiel,
I hope you will one day read this. You turn 5 tomorrow. Tick tock tick tock. We packed your gift packs together tonight and you loved the stationary I chose for your friends. You reserved your favourites for your best buddy Tayrell. You were super excited about your ice cream cake that I bought for you to cut tomorrow in school.
I do not believe in extravagant parties Airiel, so this is the closest you are going to get to having one.
Your happiness and excitement is contagious. And I laughed away. But there is a yearning and a certain heaviness in my heart. I want to tell you what my heart wants to say.
I honestly can't remember how life was like before you came along into my life. But every moment since you were born is crystal clear. I remember everything. How you cried the loudest in the ward when you were born. How you would crumple your nose before you begin to cry. How you did not sleep for 3 months at one time and drove Nenda, Atuk, Opah and I absolutely bonkers. How I would dress you up in these hilarious rompers and take funny pictures. How at one time you would only want to sleep on my lap and would not fall asleep anywhere else, that time you were so small you could actually fit on my lap.
Your tiger style of crawling, your first steps, your first word, your funny way of sleeping, your smell.
Those images are like a slideshow playing in my head. My heart just grows bigger and bigger, trying to contain a flooding of emotion I cannot comprehend or understand. I feel so much love it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you as my constant companion throughout these years. Things have changed, circumstances altered, but if there is one thing constant, it is that I will always be beside you, as you are beside me...a quiet presence, radiating love that heals me from within.
I want to tell you how sorry I am, because I could not give you what you deserved. I could not give you a family that was complete. I hope one day when you are older, you will understand the extreme circumstances that I had to face before I made the decision that changed our lives forever. That what happened was never your fault.
I want you to know that you were born out of love, and you live as a symbol of love that will forever be etched in my heart. I want you to know that no matter what happens, you are loved my son, and will always be loved by your father and I. Nothing else matters.
I want you to know that even if I can't give you the world Airiel, I will give you mine. That even if I can't give you everything, I will give you everything that I have.
Remember Airiel, in life there is always a choice. So choose...
Choose iman
Choose prayer
Choose faith
Choose hope
Choose courage
Choose heart
Choose soul
Choose forgiveness
Choose love
They say I am supposed to teach you things Airiel, but you have taught me more about life and love in these 5 years than I could ever think possible.
For that, I will always be grateful.
Remember what I told you Airiel. Always remember that you are braver than what you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think...
Happy Birthday, Airiel.
I love you. Remember that. No one can take it.
Forever yours,
Mama
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