Aidiladha - From now onwards

"I try to live life so that I can live with myself" - John Green

Reminiscing a year or 2 ago, I would never have thought that my life would turn out the way it did. What was Aidiladha to me 2 years ago? Honestly I cannot remember much of the past. 

But it was mostly filled with laughter, with family. I would always dress Airiel up for raya. There would have been a picture taken of my little family. That was the routine. That was the norm.

With Akif's passing, I have a new routine every raya. A new norm. A new normal. I must visit him the first day of Raya, be it Aidilfitri or Aidiladha. I do not have Airiel with me for most festive seasons and I am happy he goes back to his kampung in Kelantan as he would have the company of his cousins. But I miss him terribly, not used to not having him around me even for a day. 

The graveyard was packed to the brim today. Business was booming as people were selling flowers, water, even umbrellas. 

I do not feel as lonely when I visit Akif during festive season as I would see other parents visit their angel children. They are like me. I am not alone. And neither are they. They hurt as much as I do. Their tears flow just like mine. As they walk away, they would pause, turn their head around and give one last look at the graveyard specially reserved for children, forlorn, with longing, holding back the tears. It gives me an idea of how I must look like when I do exactly the same every week.

Will it ever get easier I wonder?

Sabda Rasullulah ketika mengalirkan airmata setelah kematian anaknya, Ibrahim - "Sesungguhnya mata itu menangis, hati pula bersedih, kami tidak mengatakan kecuali apa yang diredhakan oleh Tuhan kami, dan kami semua disebabkan perpisahan dengan kamu ini, Ya Ibrahim (anak Nabi SAW) teramatlah sedih” (HSR Bukhari No. Hadis 1220) ‪#‎inmemoryofakif‬

I don't know the answer to whether it would get easier.

I hope it would.

Salam Aidiladha readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.