"Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily..." ~ Lemony Snicket
Hello readers.
I am happy to state that the family's open house cum mini launch of Aracare went smoothly yesterday. With a few hiccups, we managed to sail through.
Such a blessed day yesterday was. No more open houses for the next 5 years Bonda and I say, although Airiel's atok is already silently planning for the next one, I know it! haha.
Thank you for the friends that took their time to attend. You guys are rock stars.
I know I have not written about any serious topics for a while, most recent blog posts are usually about travels, food and other reviews. So I think it's about time for one of those.
I realised that with time I am able to speak about angel Akif more casually without bursting into tears. But one of my triggers on what kills me (I am not sure how to explain it but the emotional distress does sometime feel and translate so much so that it feels like physical pain) are social events.
I look around and realise my family is NOT complete. That whilst I was preparing and breezing through the day before and during the event that my angel Akif should be here with me and Airiel. That he would have been 3 and a half. That he should be with me but he just isn't. That there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.
That he is not with me.
That he is not here.
That he is gone.
That he should be with me but he isn't.
I saw a post on grief by Patton Oswalt that struck me. His wife died in her sleep, shocking him and daughter. He said:-
"Thanks for making depression look like the buzzing little bully it always was. Depression is the tallest kid in the 4th grade, dinging rubber bands off the back of your head and feeling safe on the playground, knowing that no teacher is coming to help you.
But grief? Grief is Jason Statham holding that 4th grade bully's head in a toilet and then fu**ing the teacher you've got a crush on in front of the class. Grief makes depression cower behind you and apologize for being such a di**.
If you spend 102 days completely focused on ONE thing you can achieve miracles. Make a film, write a novel, get MMA ripped, kick heroin, learn a language, travel around the world. Fall in love with someone. Get 'em to love you back.
But 102 days at the mercy of grief and loss feels like 102 years and you have sh** to show for it. You will not be physically healthier. You will not feel "wiser." You will not have 'closure.' You will not have 'perspective' or 'resilience' or 'a new sense of self.' You WILL have solid knowledge of fear, exhaustion and a new appreciation for the randomness and horror of the universe. And you'll also realize that 102 days is nothing but a warm-up for things to come."
And his ending words about him getting up everyday and moving on:-
And I'm going to start telling jokes again soon. And writing
. And acting in stuff and making things I like and working with friends on projects and do all the stuff I was always so privileged to get to do before the air caught fire around me and the sun died. It's all I knew how to do before I met Michelle. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do now without her.
The link to Patton's article is here.
I realise while I can function normally on most days, when the grief hits once in a while, it is absolutely devastating. It is a crippling and an all consuming pain. I cannot eat, I cannot breathe, I cannot sleep, I cannot stay still, I cannot move, I cannot do anything. I curve myself up into a little ball and wait for the stabbing sensations to subside and yes, it takes a while.
Does that mean I am not grateful for my life? Hell no. On the contrary I appreciate every single little thing and detail more and more. That beautiful ray of sunshine, the fluffy cloulds, airiel's laughter, my favourite bowl of vietnamese noodles. I am alive, I am breathing, I survived.
There he is. Xoxo kid...
And if I can do it, all of you out there can do it too. This is the purpose of me sharing what I share. So that we can all continue to fight battles no one knows about, and yet not feel so alone while doing it.
Everyday is a battle. But it is a battle we can overcome.
The ones that have been taken from us are forever gone, never to return. Let us be the best person we can ever be in their memory and continue their legacy.
Much love from Airiel and I.
Peace and love to everyone.
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