Missing Akif

"Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart" - Yann Martel

There are good days, some days are bad. And there are those terrible days. Today is one of those terrible days I guess.

You just wake up and realise that something is missing, something you have lost no matter what you do.

I run around and try to keep myself busy so I can stop thinking about it. And yes, when I am busy I do not think, but I still FEEL it. I feel that void all the time. That knife which is permanently stuck in me, twisting and twisting around in my gut.

I see pictures of babies on facebook and that knife just goes in deeper and deeper until I can't breathe and my vision dims because of my tears...I blink them away. Does that make sense?

Driving and being stuck in a jam is the worst. A lot of free time ends up with an idle mind and then I start thinking. What else do we humans think about than about the things that we do not or cannot have? 

I know Akif is in a better place, I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I know that.

I just wish I could hug him, cuddle him. I wish I could kiss him.. I wish I could scold him when he is naughty. I wish I could see him crawl, hear him say his first word, see his first steps. I would I could perpetually worry about him like I worry about his big brother Airiel...but some things are just not meant to be...

It is a daily struggle for me. A struggle I know all mothers who have lost a child go through.

Akif, you are not with Mama here but you are in Mama's heart, all the time...

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...